1. Do not under any circumstances refer to a pregnant woman as anything other than "cute" or "glowing." The following words should never cross your lips when speaking with an expectant mom: Tubby, Whale, Huge, Orca, Hippo, Fatass or Rotund.
2. "Wow you must be ready to pop any day now!" Well no... I have 4 months to go... but thanks...
3. "You look small, are you sure you're getting enough nutrients to that baby?" Well I was trying to starve him but I guess I won't anymore.... Now I'm confused since about 20 minutes ago, someone just told me I looked ready to pop...
4. "Are you sure there is only one in there?" Sooooo not funny... and now I'm really confused since about 20 minutes ago someone told me I looked too small...
5. "Oh you look just like I did when I was pregnant!" If you are a normal healthy person, go ahead and say this as much as you want. If you are more than 75 lbs overweight, avoid this one....
6. "You're not getting a C-section? Why would you want to push that baby out?" I dunno.... I hear its fun...
7. "You're getting a C-section again? You're just scared of giving birth." Well that and the medical doctor said it was safest for my baby.... but you're right, I must be less of a woman for putting my child's safety ahead of my vaginal pride...
8. "You need to have a home birth, its the only safe alternative" or "You need to give birth at the hospital, its the only safe alternative" How about I just wing it and see what happens?
9. "So, what's your birth plan?" Uh.... I plan on having a baby?
10. "You realize that you HAVE to breastfeed, or the baby will never bond with you" Settle down lactivists... settle down. Pretty sure the kid will find some way to relate to me regardless....
11. "Well I couldn't breastfeed. First my nipples started bleeding and then... " STOP! Please, for the love of god and all that is holey... stop.
12. "When is your due date?" Please don't remind me how long I have left.....
13. "You're taking your mat leave already? You're going to be so bored! Why would you do that?" I dunno... maybe because I am exhausted and crying all the time, or my lady parts are doing things they shouldn't and Doctor says its time.... you pick
14. "Well when I had my babies I worked right up until I gave birth. Back then we didn't have the luxury of taking so much time off..." Again... thank you for making me feel like less of a woman.
15. "Your working that long!? When I had my babies I stopped working as soon as I hit 6 months, I wasn't risking anything!" Well then can you go talk to that crazy bitch over there? Because 20 minutes ago she told me I had to work right up until I start pushing...
16. "Your going to eat that?" This is all I can keep down at the moment... back away or you may lose some flesh in a minute...
17. "Well when I gave birth I didn't need any drugs..." Well la-de-frickin-da...
18. "When I gave birth it was so horrible, first the doctor cut..." STOP! REALLY!... Stop right there.... I don't want to hear any of your horror stories... LA LA LA LA LA LA....
19. "So what are you going to name the baby" only to be shortly followed by "UGGG! You're naming your baby that!?!"
and finally...
20. "Can I touch your belly!?" If I know who you are, no problem... If you are a random old man I have never met before.... yuck.....
Did I miss any?
