This is my life now....
I find myself uttering that phrase every once in a while. A deep sigh, releasing the tension from my shoulders as I exhale and say confidently "yes, this is my life now." I have found being the mom of a 2 year old and a 2 month old, it is far better for me to keep a mindset of "this is my life now" rather than "what the $%&# is going on!!!????!!!!" It is way easier for everyone involved if I just relinquish control and "go with the flow" as they say. To let go of the vision I had for parenthood and to instead just breathe deep and try to find the humour in whatever moment I'm currently in, to accept what is, to enjoy it even. These are my top 30 "yes, this is my life now" moments.
1. Standing in line at the bank with my then roughly one and a half year old. I looked away from her for a moment to talk to the teller and find my bank card. When I looked back she was almost completely naked except for her diaper... shoes and all....
2. Watching my toddler, in the middle of DQ, rip off her coat, kick off her shoes, and ROLL around on the floor kicking and screaming at the top of her lungs. Like "stop, drop and roll" type of rolling.
3. Watching my daughter thoroughly enjoy riding one of the loonie machine rides at the mall one week, only to have her, two weeks later, scream bloody murder at the top of her lungs when I tried to "treat" her and put her on the EXACT same ride she loved the crap out of 2 weeks earlier. Like, "OMG this psycho lady is trying to kidnap me" type of screaming... actually the same type of screaming that was seen in the DQ during the "stop drop and roll" performance.
4. When my then 16 month old walked up to me and lovingly laid her head on my lap and smiled up at me like a cherub... then, three seconds later, bit me hard enough on my thigh to leave a bruise. When I explained to her that "that hurt mummy!" she began to laugh like the hyenas from the Lion King.
5. Stepping out of the shower and towelling off, only to be interrupted by my toddler, who ran into the room and pointed up at my belly button ring. I put my hand over it defensively, knowing that she would most likely try to rip it out. I forgot that the 2 year old is smarter than me and the belly ring pointing was just part of her plan to distract me from her true motives. Her true motives became clear however, when she reached up and, instead of ripping out my belly ring that I had now protected, she instead ripped out a chunk of my pubic hair. As I dropped to the ground, unable to breathe, it became clear to me: she knows I took the epidural and is now trying to inflict as much physical pain as possible to make up for it....
6. Finding my toddler's pyjamas in the oven drawer...
7. Opening the fridge to get stuff to make dinner and then watching as my toddler began to lick the tops of all the condiment bottles.
8. Opening the dishwasher to unload the clean dishes and watching as my daughter started to lick everything.... kind of like she was "motorboating" the dishes, but with her tongue.
9. The 27th time watching Sophia the First.
10. Walking into my toddlers room one morning, only to discover that she had figured out how to get her diaper off..... at some point during the night, and had peed everywhere. That was the end of putting her to bed in a nightgown with no bottoms!
11. Walking into my toddlers room several days later, to discover that, despite the addition of bottoms to her nightgown, she had managed to Hoodini the poop out of her diaper without actually taking her diaper off. If I wasn't so grossed out in the moment I probably could have appreciated her artistic talent for finger painting.
12. Having to walk away from the computer just now to take a full can of ginger ale away from my toddler because she was using it as a soccer ball.
13. Feeling pride when my daughter decided to use her big girl potty to go pee, all by herself. Feeling less pride however when she decided to empty her potty into the big potty all by herself. It wouldn't have been so bad if she would have lifted the lid first....
14. Trying to make dinner as my toddler took every pot and pan out of the drawer and screamed at me when I tried to use them in order to make dinner. She then followed this up with taking the saran wrap out of the drawer and unraveling it, as well as taking every single ziploch bag out of every box. I pushed through and attempted to make dinner in what was an obstacle course instead of a kitchen.
15. When I say to my husband "Hey, she needs her nose wiped" and he looks at me, shrugs, and replies with "every toddler needs their nose wiped..."
16. Leaving the house knowing I am covered in about 4 different bodily fluids, none of which are my own.
17. One word... Thrush
18. Finding out that whenever my baby sneezes, she sprays a little poop....("little" ha ha ha).... I find this out of course, during a diaper change. Just how does one clean poop out of the seat of a rocking chair? The clothes, bedding and wall I have handled... I suppose I will have to break out the steam cleaner....
19. Leaning over my toddler to kiss her when she was a newborn. Finding out that she could projectile vomit... while I was leaning over her with an open mouth...
20. The 234th time listening to the #$%@&*^ Sophia the First CD in the car...
21. Having my toddler throw her hands around my neck for a big bear hug... only to smell a strong poop scent.
22. Pulling my daughter's poop covered hands out of my hair....
23. Walking around the side of the couch where my toddler was just sitting out of sight. See that, not only did she Hoodini poop out of her diaper again, not only did she come and hug me and bury her poop-covered hands in my hair, but she also got a hold of my purse.... and all the contents inside my purse....
24. Deciding to make "cloud dough" after seeing it on Pinterest. Deciding that I am going to be "mommy of the year" and get my daughter involved in a "sensory" activity instead of just sitting playing a game on the ipad.... I left my daughter alone in her high chair with the home made cloud dough (which has the consistency of sand) while I went to change the baby's diaper. Foolishly I thought that all would be well since I put down a table cloth under the high chair to catch the mess. I returned moments later to discover that the entire upstairs of my house looked like a trip to the beach, as the toddler had been THROWING the @#$%&^* cloud dough/sand crap as far as she could as well as eating it. Toddler was now a sandy, sticky mess along with entire upstairs of my home. Stripped toddler, and left her on my bed with a snack and the ipad while I cleaned up the god forsaken mess....
25. Walking back into my bedroom after cleaning up the Pinterest/cloud dough fiasco and discovering that my toddler had managed to get the lid of her sippy cup and make a puddle in the middle of my bed... not a wet spot, but a puddle.... but she had been using my duvet cover as a kleenex all week so really, it needed to be washed again anyway....
26. Consistently, for about a week straight, going into my toddler's room at all hours of the night and finding her, standing up in her crib, completely naked, having peed everywhere. This only ended when we stopped putting her in footie pyjamas.... I have no idea what she has against them, but by god you can NOT put that kid in footie pyjamas.
27. When I emptied the diaper pail and about an hour later my toddler walked up to me holding a very wet pee diaper.... but her diaper was still on.... and there were no old diapers in the diaper pail.... so at some point, she started hiding diapers somewhere and I can't find them....
28. When someone poops in the bath....
29. The 890th time watching Sophia the @#$%&*^ First
30. When the baby smiles at me. Or when my toddler laughs... my god.... Or when my toddler kisses the baby and says "heart"..... dear god thank you. The smell from the tops of their little heads.... sigh... Or when the baby coos at me while she nurses.... swoon.... Tiny hands that I can't stop holding, tiny mouths that I can't stop kissing... Dear god, for all my bitching and moaning, thank you. This is my life now, and I thank you.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
A letter to my daughter about rape.
I wrote this tonight. Wasn't sure if I should share it or not, then thought "what the hell...."
Hey sweetie. As I type this you are asleep in your crib, in 4 days you will be 18 months old. Maybe this is too early to be thinking these types of thoughts but they are in my head and none the less, need a place to go. I wonder, when should I give you this letter? I was thinking maybe when you turn 13 but who knows, maybe I will need to give it to you when you are 10 or 11, as it seems every generation is doing things younger and younger.
Honey, I need to tell you a couple of things. Basically, I need to tell you how unfair and shitty the world is. Yes, I'm sure by now you have heard me swear more than a few times (hopefully not too many) so the swears in this letter shouldn't be much of a shock. I need you to go out into the world and be informed. You can go and make whatever choices you want, I will support you whatever you decide, but I need you to be informed about those decisions. Here goes....
Firstly, you will probably experiment with alcohol at some point in your life, probably well before you are legal drinking age. Here is what I want you to know. What you deserve is to have the people you are partying with look out for you, make sure that you don't drink too much and hold your hair back as you puke in a toilet somewhere, or on the neighbour's lawn. Worst case scenario, you deserve to go out to a party with your friends, drink too much and then wake up a few hours later passed out on a couch with a penis drawn on your forehead in permanent marker. My dear, that is what you deserve. You deserve to go out, make a few mistakes and a few memories along the way, with little harm done. What I hate to tell you is that I can make absolutely ZERO guarantee that life will give you what you deserve. That's the shitty part. If you decide to drink at a party with friends, something that I'm sure will be common in your teens and twenties, the world offers you ZERO guarantee that you will be treated the way you deserve. Even if you go to a party or out to a bar and decide not to drink, the world will still give you ZERO guarantee that you will be treated the way you deserve. And believe me, I hate that fact as much if not more than you do.
Believe it or not, growing up your mother was something of a feminist (and still is to a large degree!) So for me to sit here and type that you have to act differently or think differently simply because you are a girl pisses me off more than you could ever know. You deserve to go out of this house, wherever you want, whenever you want, wearing whatever you want and do whatever you want to do (provided it doesn't harm yourself or anyone else!). You deserve that. You deserve to go freely and remain unharmed. But honey, I just can't guarantee you that it's safe to do so. That's the shitty part of all of this. You can make whatever decisions that you want to make, but I have to tell you that some are going to be safer decisions than others.
There are going to be some obvious scenarios that I hope you will avoid. Things like walking home alone at 2am through downtown Red Deer, running alone along the trail system (please always go with a buddy) and deciding to meet up with strangers that you met online. The ones that will be harder to navigate will inevitably be the ones involving alcohol (or drugs!) If you go out and drink too much, someone or several people could take advantage of the fact that you are passed out drunk. Someone could even take advantage of the fact that you went to the bathroom and left your drink on the counter by slipping something in it. It could be people that you would never expect. It could be friends of yours from school or your best friend's older brother. It seems that everyone thinks a rapist is some stranger in an alley somewhere. I hate to tell you this honey, but more often than not it is someone you know. I'm not saying that every guy you know will rape you or hurt you if given the chance, there are plenty of awesome guys out there. The problem is that they don't have signs on their foreheads telling you who is who.
Now don't get me wrong, if someone hurts you and does not treat you the way you deserve, that is in no way your fault. There are several things that I sincerely hope never happen to you, but if something does, know that it is the shitty world that failed, not you. If something does one day happen to you, please PLEASE tell me so that I can help you through it. The only thing worse for a girl when she is treated so horribly is the aftermath that follows. There have been so many news articles lately about girls who were assaulted by boys that they knew from school. Not only was it bad enough that these girls were assaulted by multiple people, but they were photographed when it happened and bullied on the internet afterwards. This is the kind of crap that I have to warn you about honey. The world is such a shitty, horrible place sometimes and I need you to not be blind to it. At the same time, I need you to understand that there is so, so much more to you than what is between your legs. If something horrible ever does happen to you, as hard as it is, I need you to remember that and I will help you to remember that. You are only 18 months but your spirit is so strong, I feel it already.
It's really scary for me as your mom. To know that I have this beautiful daughter whom I love more than my life, and to also know that I now have to let you go out into the shitty, horrible world. So why do it? Why bring a child into this world if it is so horrible? Because honey, I believe that we all need to leave this world a little bit better than we found it. For me, it is having you. I believe the world is better because you are in it. I really do. I know you are only 18 months but I believe you will do great things with your life and the world will need amazing young people like you.
I know we will probably clash often as you get older and become a teenager. You will want to wear things that I don't want you to wear, and go places that I don't want you to go. You will want to hang out with people I don't want you hanging out with, the list will be endless I'm sure. What I need you to understand is that it's not you that is the problem, it's what could be out there waiting for you. I don't want to shelter you to the point that you will be naive, but I can't be a good mom and let you go out the door everyday to do what ever you want and have you thinking that you are perfectly safe and that nothing bad will ever happen to you. If I tell you no, it's because I don't trust the situation. I am hoping that as you grow up we will work together and compromise on some "calculated" risks. Please go easy on me. There will be times that you hate me for telling you no but please know that if I do it's because I am trying to find a happy medium between "sheltered" and "high-risk."
As you get older, please set an example for others. Be wary when you hear gossip about a girl being a "slut" or a "whore." Be wary of people who post mean things or cruel photos of other people on the internet, particularly when they deal with sexual matters. First of all, if a girl is a slut for sleeping with a guy, then that guy is a slut too (really, what other people do with their bodies is no body's business so long as they are not hurting anyone). Please please please do not ever partake in this kind of gossip. Better yet, speak up when you hear other people gossiping and tell them that the double standard for girls is bullshit, and you have more important things to talk about than who someone is sleeping with. If you are ever in a situation where you think that an assault may have happened, is happening, or is about to happen to someone, please report it to an adult immediately. You can call me, tell a teacher at school, even call the cops if you need to. Not every girl is going to get warned about how crappy the world is, so you need to help look out for them. Please, look out for your friends and choose REAL friends who will look out for you. True friends are hard to come by, if you are lucky enough to find some, please never ditch them for ones that are more fun, pretty, popular....(insert adjective of your choice).
Above all please be a good friend to yourself. Take care of yourself, look out for yourself. Trust your instinct. If you feel that something isn't right and feel like you need to remove yourself from a situation then TRUST YOUR GUT! If you ever need to call me to come get you, no matter what time of day or night, no matter if you are somewhere that you shouldn't be, if you call me and tell me that you don't feel safe where you are I will come and get you and you will get a free pass. Yes, A FREE PASS! That means that if you are drunk as a skunk at a party at 2am you can call me to come get you and you will NOT get in trouble. Believe me, I will need to talk to you about it, but you won't suffer any consequences.
Please talk to me about any of this if you need to. Know that I love you, your father loves you, and we are here for you whenever you need us.
xo Mom.
Hey sweetie. As I type this you are asleep in your crib, in 4 days you will be 18 months old. Maybe this is too early to be thinking these types of thoughts but they are in my head and none the less, need a place to go. I wonder, when should I give you this letter? I was thinking maybe when you turn 13 but who knows, maybe I will need to give it to you when you are 10 or 11, as it seems every generation is doing things younger and younger.
Honey, I need to tell you a couple of things. Basically, I need to tell you how unfair and shitty the world is. Yes, I'm sure by now you have heard me swear more than a few times (hopefully not too many) so the swears in this letter shouldn't be much of a shock. I need you to go out into the world and be informed. You can go and make whatever choices you want, I will support you whatever you decide, but I need you to be informed about those decisions. Here goes....
Firstly, you will probably experiment with alcohol at some point in your life, probably well before you are legal drinking age. Here is what I want you to know. What you deserve is to have the people you are partying with look out for you, make sure that you don't drink too much and hold your hair back as you puke in a toilet somewhere, or on the neighbour's lawn. Worst case scenario, you deserve to go out to a party with your friends, drink too much and then wake up a few hours later passed out on a couch with a penis drawn on your forehead in permanent marker. My dear, that is what you deserve. You deserve to go out, make a few mistakes and a few memories along the way, with little harm done. What I hate to tell you is that I can make absolutely ZERO guarantee that life will give you what you deserve. That's the shitty part. If you decide to drink at a party with friends, something that I'm sure will be common in your teens and twenties, the world offers you ZERO guarantee that you will be treated the way you deserve. Even if you go to a party or out to a bar and decide not to drink, the world will still give you ZERO guarantee that you will be treated the way you deserve. And believe me, I hate that fact as much if not more than you do.
Believe it or not, growing up your mother was something of a feminist (and still is to a large degree!) So for me to sit here and type that you have to act differently or think differently simply because you are a girl pisses me off more than you could ever know. You deserve to go out of this house, wherever you want, whenever you want, wearing whatever you want and do whatever you want to do (provided it doesn't harm yourself or anyone else!). You deserve that. You deserve to go freely and remain unharmed. But honey, I just can't guarantee you that it's safe to do so. That's the shitty part of all of this. You can make whatever decisions that you want to make, but I have to tell you that some are going to be safer decisions than others.
There are going to be some obvious scenarios that I hope you will avoid. Things like walking home alone at 2am through downtown Red Deer, running alone along the trail system (please always go with a buddy) and deciding to meet up with strangers that you met online. The ones that will be harder to navigate will inevitably be the ones involving alcohol (or drugs!) If you go out and drink too much, someone or several people could take advantage of the fact that you are passed out drunk. Someone could even take advantage of the fact that you went to the bathroom and left your drink on the counter by slipping something in it. It could be people that you would never expect. It could be friends of yours from school or your best friend's older brother. It seems that everyone thinks a rapist is some stranger in an alley somewhere. I hate to tell you this honey, but more often than not it is someone you know. I'm not saying that every guy you know will rape you or hurt you if given the chance, there are plenty of awesome guys out there. The problem is that they don't have signs on their foreheads telling you who is who.
Now don't get me wrong, if someone hurts you and does not treat you the way you deserve, that is in no way your fault. There are several things that I sincerely hope never happen to you, but if something does, know that it is the shitty world that failed, not you. If something does one day happen to you, please PLEASE tell me so that I can help you through it. The only thing worse for a girl when she is treated so horribly is the aftermath that follows. There have been so many news articles lately about girls who were assaulted by boys that they knew from school. Not only was it bad enough that these girls were assaulted by multiple people, but they were photographed when it happened and bullied on the internet afterwards. This is the kind of crap that I have to warn you about honey. The world is such a shitty, horrible place sometimes and I need you to not be blind to it. At the same time, I need you to understand that there is so, so much more to you than what is between your legs. If something horrible ever does happen to you, as hard as it is, I need you to remember that and I will help you to remember that. You are only 18 months but your spirit is so strong, I feel it already.
It's really scary for me as your mom. To know that I have this beautiful daughter whom I love more than my life, and to also know that I now have to let you go out into the shitty, horrible world. So why do it? Why bring a child into this world if it is so horrible? Because honey, I believe that we all need to leave this world a little bit better than we found it. For me, it is having you. I believe the world is better because you are in it. I really do. I know you are only 18 months but I believe you will do great things with your life and the world will need amazing young people like you.
I know we will probably clash often as you get older and become a teenager. You will want to wear things that I don't want you to wear, and go places that I don't want you to go. You will want to hang out with people I don't want you hanging out with, the list will be endless I'm sure. What I need you to understand is that it's not you that is the problem, it's what could be out there waiting for you. I don't want to shelter you to the point that you will be naive, but I can't be a good mom and let you go out the door everyday to do what ever you want and have you thinking that you are perfectly safe and that nothing bad will ever happen to you. If I tell you no, it's because I don't trust the situation. I am hoping that as you grow up we will work together and compromise on some "calculated" risks. Please go easy on me. There will be times that you hate me for telling you no but please know that if I do it's because I am trying to find a happy medium between "sheltered" and "high-risk."
As you get older, please set an example for others. Be wary when you hear gossip about a girl being a "slut" or a "whore." Be wary of people who post mean things or cruel photos of other people on the internet, particularly when they deal with sexual matters. First of all, if a girl is a slut for sleeping with a guy, then that guy is a slut too (really, what other people do with their bodies is no body's business so long as they are not hurting anyone). Please please please do not ever partake in this kind of gossip. Better yet, speak up when you hear other people gossiping and tell them that the double standard for girls is bullshit, and you have more important things to talk about than who someone is sleeping with. If you are ever in a situation where you think that an assault may have happened, is happening, or is about to happen to someone, please report it to an adult immediately. You can call me, tell a teacher at school, even call the cops if you need to. Not every girl is going to get warned about how crappy the world is, so you need to help look out for them. Please, look out for your friends and choose REAL friends who will look out for you. True friends are hard to come by, if you are lucky enough to find some, please never ditch them for ones that are more fun, pretty, popular....(insert adjective of your choice).
Above all please be a good friend to yourself. Take care of yourself, look out for yourself. Trust your instinct. If you feel that something isn't right and feel like you need to remove yourself from a situation then TRUST YOUR GUT! If you ever need to call me to come get you, no matter what time of day or night, no matter if you are somewhere that you shouldn't be, if you call me and tell me that you don't feel safe where you are I will come and get you and you will get a free pass. Yes, A FREE PASS! That means that if you are drunk as a skunk at a party at 2am you can call me to come get you and you will NOT get in trouble. Believe me, I will need to talk to you about it, but you won't suffer any consequences.
Please talk to me about any of this if you need to. Know that I love you, your father loves you, and we are here for you whenever you need us.
xo Mom.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Fitted Sheets and YOLO.....
Today, I finally figured out how to fold a $%*#ing fitted sheet! Yes, that is correct. After years of trying, I have mastered folding the fitted sheet. It looks neat, pretty, and lines up in the drawer with the top sheet and pillowcases. Upon looking at my masterpiece I felt an incredible sense of accomplishment, followed by a feeling of contentment, followed by a feeling of pride that I can find joy in something so small and insignificant, followed shortly thereafter by a feeling of panic, that all it takes now for me to be happy is to learn how to fold a #@&%ing fitted sheet? .... followed next by the inevitable question: Is this what my life has come to?
I'm me, the same girl who swore to myself as a teenager that I wouldn't "settle" for being a mere housewife. The same girl who took off at 18 and traveled the world on a cruise ship. The same girl who went white water rafting in Costa Rica, rode a camel to the top of a volcano in Lanzarote, who saw Giselle danced onstage at the Alexandrinsky Theater by the St. Petersburg Ballet.... I road a God Damn gondola in Venice for frick sakes..... and now I am content to fold sheets? (not just any sheet... a perfectly folded fitted sheet!)
I am the same girl who left a crappy relationship at age 22 and struck out on my own. The same girl who decided to go back to school, earn a degree and make something of herself. The same girl who, when I started dating my husband, told him very matter-of-factly that I had a plan for my life, and that plan included a PhD before any children..... and that he was welcome to come along for the ride if he so chose to.... (but I would be in the drivers seat!)
So what has changed? How did I get from camels and gondolas and PhD's to fitted sheets? I thought about this for a bit this morning after little bean went down for her nap. It didn't take me long to come up with the answer.
The thing is, the older you get (not that 31 is terribly old in the grand scheme of life), the more you realize just how short life really is, and it is so important to spend your life doing what makes you happy. Life is too damn short to be unhappy all the time. It is really easy to get caught up in what we think SHOULD make us happy... it's even easier to get caught up in what we know will sound really impressive to others...
Sure, I remember being introduced to people at parties and having interesting stories to share. Stories about traveling, trips I have taken.... stories about the research I was doing at school and what my plans were for my future.... how I planned on making a difference.... Now when I meet people, the conversation inevitably turns to my kid and how I marvel at how right Louis CK was: No one tells you, when you become the parent of a baby girl, just how much time you will spend cleaning poop out of a tiny vagina....
I am that person at parties that no one wants to talk to, because all I talk about is my kid and how much I love being a mom. I don't impress anyone anymore... I BORE people. I have a pretty mundane life by a lot of people's standards. My husband and I are middle class, planning to grow our family. We have a dog and a cat and hope to have 2 or 3 kids. We have a nice (though not massive or impressive to many) home that I love to clean. (Yes... you read that correctly, I love to clean it! I love having a home to clean!!!!). My husband works for an oilfield company and I stay at home with our daughter, teaching at a dance studio part time. Our dream is to save up enough money to take our young family to Disneyland within the next 10 years.
Pretty mundane, pretty boring. But here's the thing.... I have never been happier or more grateful in my entire freaking life. That's the thing that you don't think about when you are young and trying to make something of yourself, happiness. And I'm not talking about "sweet I got a whole bunch of shots bought for me this weekend, now I can put more money away for my trip to Thiland!" happiness.... I'm talking about being content with your life, day after day, year after year. I'm talking about laying your head down on your pillow at night and not being able to imagine your life any better. This is not something that I take lightly. For a long time, I wasn't sure I was ever going to get to this point. To lay down at night, happy and content, not worried that I was somehow missing out on the life I was SUPPOSED to be living. The fact that I can feel this way at only 31 years of age makes me want to cry for how very blessed I am. The only thing that could make this life of mine any better would be another tiny, poopy bum to clean....
A great thing happens when you decide to stop doing what you think is SUPPOSED to make you happy, and you instead just go and do what makes you happy. When you stop worrying about what others will think of you, or what sounds impressive to some 23 year old at a party....
Contentment is a highly underrated feeling. I am grateful that it only took me to my late 20's to find that which makes me feel content and whole... and today, I am finding it in a perfectly folded fitted sheet.... So carpé diem my friends, go and do that which makes you happy and brings you contentment, whatever that my be... Or is it YOLO? Yes, yes I think that's what the kids are calling it these days.... I'm going to go and fold some more laundry now because YOLO....
I'm me, the same girl who swore to myself as a teenager that I wouldn't "settle" for being a mere housewife. The same girl who took off at 18 and traveled the world on a cruise ship. The same girl who went white water rafting in Costa Rica, rode a camel to the top of a volcano in Lanzarote, who saw Giselle danced onstage at the Alexandrinsky Theater by the St. Petersburg Ballet.... I road a God Damn gondola in Venice for frick sakes..... and now I am content to fold sheets? (not just any sheet... a perfectly folded fitted sheet!)
I am the same girl who left a crappy relationship at age 22 and struck out on my own. The same girl who decided to go back to school, earn a degree and make something of herself. The same girl who, when I started dating my husband, told him very matter-of-factly that I had a plan for my life, and that plan included a PhD before any children..... and that he was welcome to come along for the ride if he so chose to.... (but I would be in the drivers seat!)
So what has changed? How did I get from camels and gondolas and PhD's to fitted sheets? I thought about this for a bit this morning after little bean went down for her nap. It didn't take me long to come up with the answer.
The thing is, the older you get (not that 31 is terribly old in the grand scheme of life), the more you realize just how short life really is, and it is so important to spend your life doing what makes you happy. Life is too damn short to be unhappy all the time. It is really easy to get caught up in what we think SHOULD make us happy... it's even easier to get caught up in what we know will sound really impressive to others...
Sure, I remember being introduced to people at parties and having interesting stories to share. Stories about traveling, trips I have taken.... stories about the research I was doing at school and what my plans were for my future.... how I planned on making a difference.... Now when I meet people, the conversation inevitably turns to my kid and how I marvel at how right Louis CK was: No one tells you, when you become the parent of a baby girl, just how much time you will spend cleaning poop out of a tiny vagina....
I am that person at parties that no one wants to talk to, because all I talk about is my kid and how much I love being a mom. I don't impress anyone anymore... I BORE people. I have a pretty mundane life by a lot of people's standards. My husband and I are middle class, planning to grow our family. We have a dog and a cat and hope to have 2 or 3 kids. We have a nice (though not massive or impressive to many) home that I love to clean. (Yes... you read that correctly, I love to clean it! I love having a home to clean!!!!). My husband works for an oilfield company and I stay at home with our daughter, teaching at a dance studio part time. Our dream is to save up enough money to take our young family to Disneyland within the next 10 years.
Pretty mundane, pretty boring. But here's the thing.... I have never been happier or more grateful in my entire freaking life. That's the thing that you don't think about when you are young and trying to make something of yourself, happiness. And I'm not talking about "sweet I got a whole bunch of shots bought for me this weekend, now I can put more money away for my trip to Thiland!" happiness.... I'm talking about being content with your life, day after day, year after year. I'm talking about laying your head down on your pillow at night and not being able to imagine your life any better. This is not something that I take lightly. For a long time, I wasn't sure I was ever going to get to this point. To lay down at night, happy and content, not worried that I was somehow missing out on the life I was SUPPOSED to be living. The fact that I can feel this way at only 31 years of age makes me want to cry for how very blessed I am. The only thing that could make this life of mine any better would be another tiny, poopy bum to clean....
A great thing happens when you decide to stop doing what you think is SUPPOSED to make you happy, and you instead just go and do what makes you happy. When you stop worrying about what others will think of you, or what sounds impressive to some 23 year old at a party....
Contentment is a highly underrated feeling. I am grateful that it only took me to my late 20's to find that which makes me feel content and whole... and today, I am finding it in a perfectly folded fitted sheet.... So carpé diem my friends, go and do that which makes you happy and brings you contentment, whatever that my be... Or is it YOLO? Yes, yes I think that's what the kids are calling it these days.... I'm going to go and fold some more laundry now because YOLO....
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