Hey sweetie. As I type this you are asleep in your crib, in 4 days you will be 18 months old. Maybe this is too early to be thinking these types of thoughts but they are in my head and none the less, need a place to go. I wonder, when should I give you this letter? I was thinking maybe when you turn 13 but who knows, maybe I will need to give it to you when you are 10 or 11, as it seems every generation is doing things younger and younger.
Honey, I need to tell you a couple of things. Basically, I need to tell you how unfair and shitty the world is. Yes, I'm sure by now you have heard me swear more than a few times (hopefully not too many) so the swears in this letter shouldn't be much of a shock. I need you to go out into the world and be informed. You can go and make whatever choices you want, I will support you whatever you decide, but I need you to be informed about those decisions. Here goes....
Firstly, you will probably experiment with alcohol at some point in your life, probably well before you are legal drinking age. Here is what I want you to know. What you deserve is to have the people you are partying with look out for you, make sure that you don't drink too much and hold your hair back as you puke in a toilet somewhere, or on the neighbour's lawn. Worst case scenario, you deserve to go out to a party with your friends, drink too much and then wake up a few hours later passed out on a couch with a penis drawn on your forehead in permanent marker. My dear, that is what you deserve. You deserve to go out, make a few mistakes and a few memories along the way, with little harm done. What I hate to tell you is that I can make absolutely ZERO guarantee that life will give you what you deserve. That's the shitty part. If you decide to drink at a party with friends, something that I'm sure will be common in your teens and twenties, the world offers you ZERO guarantee that you will be treated the way you deserve. Even if you go to a party or out to a bar and decide not to drink, the world will still give you ZERO guarantee that you will be treated the way you deserve. And believe me, I hate that fact as much if not more than you do.
Believe it or not, growing up your mother was something of a feminist (and still is to a large degree!) So for me to sit here and type that you have to act differently or think differently simply because you are a girl pisses me off more than you could ever know. You deserve to go out of this house, wherever you want, whenever you want, wearing whatever you want and do whatever you want to do (provided it doesn't harm yourself or anyone else!). You deserve that. You deserve to go freely and remain unharmed. But honey, I just can't guarantee you that it's safe to do so. That's the shitty part of all of this. You can make whatever decisions that you want to make, but I have to tell you that some are going to be safer decisions than others.
There are going to be some obvious scenarios that I hope you will avoid. Things like walking home alone at 2am through downtown Red Deer, running alone along the trail system (please always go with a buddy) and deciding to meet up with strangers that you met online. The ones that will be harder to navigate will inevitably be the ones involving alcohol (or drugs!) If you go out and drink too much, someone or several people could take advantage of the fact that you are passed out drunk. Someone could even take advantage of the fact that you went to the bathroom and left your drink on the counter by slipping something in it. It could be people that you would never expect. It could be friends of yours from school or your best friend's older brother. It seems that everyone thinks a rapist is some stranger in an alley somewhere. I hate to tell you this honey, but more often than not it is someone you know. I'm not saying that every guy you know will rape you or hurt you if given the chance, there are plenty of awesome guys out there. The problem is that they don't have signs on their foreheads telling you who is who.
Now don't get me wrong, if someone hurts you and does not treat you the way you deserve, that is in no way your fault. There are several things that I sincerely hope never happen to you, but if something does, know that it is the shitty world that failed, not you. If something does one day happen to you, please PLEASE tell me so that I can help you through it. The only thing worse for a girl when she is treated so horribly is the aftermath that follows. There have been so many news articles lately about girls who were assaulted by boys that they knew from school. Not only was it bad enough that these girls were assaulted by multiple people, but they were photographed when it happened and bullied on the internet afterwards. This is the kind of crap that I have to warn you about honey. The world is such a shitty, horrible place sometimes and I need you to not be blind to it. At the same time, I need you to understand that there is so, so much more to you than what is between your legs. If something horrible ever does happen to you, as hard as it is, I need you to remember that and I will help you to remember that. You are only 18 months but your spirit is so strong, I feel it already.
It's really scary for me as your mom. To know that I have this beautiful daughter whom I love more than my life, and to also know that I now have to let you go out into the shitty, horrible world. So why do it? Why bring a child into this world if it is so horrible? Because honey, I believe that we all need to leave this world a little bit better than we found it. For me, it is having you. I believe the world is better because you are in it. I really do. I know you are only 18 months but I believe you will do great things with your life and the world will need amazing young people like you.
I know we will probably clash often as you get older and become a teenager. You will want to wear things that I don't want you to wear, and go places that I don't want you to go. You will want to hang out with people I don't want you hanging out with, the list will be endless I'm sure. What I need you to understand is that it's not you that is the problem, it's what could be out there waiting for you. I don't want to shelter you to the point that you will be naive, but I can't be a good mom and let you go out the door everyday to do what ever you want and have you thinking that you are perfectly safe and that nothing bad will ever happen to you. If I tell you no, it's because I don't trust the situation. I am hoping that as you grow up we will work together and compromise on some "calculated" risks. Please go easy on me. There will be times that you hate me for telling you no but please know that if I do it's because I am trying to find a happy medium between "sheltered" and "high-risk."
As you get older, please set an example for others. Be wary when you hear gossip about a girl being a "slut" or a "whore." Be wary of people who post mean things or cruel photos of other people on the internet, particularly when they deal with sexual matters. First of all, if a girl is a slut for sleeping with a guy, then that guy is a slut too (really, what other people do with their bodies is no body's business so long as they are not hurting anyone). Please please please do not ever partake in this kind of gossip. Better yet, speak up when you hear other people gossiping and tell them that the double standard for girls is bullshit, and you have more important things to talk about than who someone is sleeping with. If you are ever in a situation where you think that an assault may have happened, is happening, or is about to happen to someone, please report it to an adult immediately. You can call me, tell a teacher at school, even call the cops if you need to. Not every girl is going to get warned about how crappy the world is, so you need to help look out for them. Please, look out for your friends and choose REAL friends who will look out for you. True friends are hard to come by, if you are lucky enough to find some, please never ditch them for ones that are more fun, pretty, popular....(insert adjective of your choice).
Above all please be a good friend to yourself. Take care of yourself, look out for yourself. Trust your instinct. If you feel that something isn't right and feel like you need to remove yourself from a situation then TRUST YOUR GUT! If you ever need to call me to come get you, no matter what time of day or night, no matter if you are somewhere that you shouldn't be, if you call me and tell me that you don't feel safe where you are I will come and get you and you will get a free pass. Yes, A FREE PASS! That means that if you are drunk as a skunk at a party at 2am you can call me to come get you and you will NOT get in trouble. Believe me, I will need to talk to you about it, but you won't suffer any consequences.
Please talk to me about any of this if you need to. Know that I love you, your father loves you, and we are here for you whenever you need us.
xo Mom.
