This is my life now....
I find myself uttering that phrase every once in a while. A deep sigh, releasing the tension from my shoulders as I exhale and say confidently "yes, this is my life now." I have found being the mom of a 2 year old and a 2 month old, it is far better for me to keep a mindset of "this is my life now" rather than "what the $%&# is going on!!!????!!!!" It is way easier for everyone involved if I just relinquish control and "go with the flow" as they say. To let go of the vision I had for parenthood and to instead just breathe deep and try to find the humour in whatever moment I'm currently in, to accept what is, to enjoy it even. These are my top 30 "yes, this is my life now" moments.
1. Standing in line at the bank with my then roughly one and a half year old. I looked away from her for a moment to talk to the teller and find my bank card. When I looked back she was almost completely naked except for her diaper... shoes and all....
2. Watching my toddler, in the middle of DQ, rip off her coat, kick off her shoes, and ROLL around on the floor kicking and screaming at the top of her lungs. Like "stop, drop and roll" type of rolling.
3. Watching my daughter thoroughly enjoy riding one of the loonie machine rides at the mall one week, only to have her, two weeks later, scream bloody murder at the top of her lungs when I tried to "treat" her and put her on the EXACT same ride she loved the crap out of 2 weeks earlier. Like, "OMG this psycho lady is trying to kidnap me" type of screaming... actually the same type of screaming that was seen in the DQ during the "stop drop and roll" performance.
4. When my then 16 month old walked up to me and lovingly laid her head on my lap and smiled up at me like a cherub... then, three seconds later, bit me hard enough on my thigh to leave a bruise. When I explained to her that "that hurt mummy!" she began to laugh like the hyenas from the Lion King.
5. Stepping out of the shower and towelling off, only to be interrupted by my toddler, who ran into the room and pointed up at my belly button ring. I put my hand over it defensively, knowing that she would most likely try to rip it out. I forgot that the 2 year old is smarter than me and the belly ring pointing was just part of her plan to distract me from her true motives. Her true motives became clear however, when she reached up and, instead of ripping out my belly ring that I had now protected, she instead ripped out a chunk of my pubic hair. As I dropped to the ground, unable to breathe, it became clear to me: she knows I took the epidural and is now trying to inflict as much physical pain as possible to make up for it....
6. Finding my toddler's pyjamas in the oven drawer...
7. Opening the fridge to get stuff to make dinner and then watching as my toddler began to lick the tops of all the condiment bottles.
8. Opening the dishwasher to unload the clean dishes and watching as my daughter started to lick everything.... kind of like she was "motorboating" the dishes, but with her tongue.
9. The 27th time watching Sophia the First.
10. Walking into my toddlers room one morning, only to discover that she had figured out how to get her diaper off..... at some point during the night, and had peed everywhere. That was the end of putting her to bed in a nightgown with no bottoms!
11. Walking into my toddlers room several days later, to discover that, despite the addition of bottoms to her nightgown, she had managed to Hoodini the poop out of her diaper without actually taking her diaper off. If I wasn't so grossed out in the moment I probably could have appreciated her artistic talent for finger painting.
12. Having to walk away from the computer just now to take a full can of ginger ale away from my toddler because she was using it as a soccer ball.
13. Feeling pride when my daughter decided to use her big girl potty to go pee, all by herself. Feeling less pride however when she decided to empty her potty into the big potty all by herself. It wouldn't have been so bad if she would have lifted the lid first....
14. Trying to make dinner as my toddler took every pot and pan out of the drawer and screamed at me when I tried to use them in order to make dinner. She then followed this up with taking the saran wrap out of the drawer and unraveling it, as well as taking every single ziploch bag out of every box. I pushed through and attempted to make dinner in what was an obstacle course instead of a kitchen.
15. When I say to my husband "Hey, she needs her nose wiped" and he looks at me, shrugs, and replies with "every toddler needs their nose wiped..."
16. Leaving the house knowing I am covered in about 4 different bodily fluids, none of which are my own.
17. One word... Thrush
18. Finding out that whenever my baby sneezes, she sprays a little poop....("little" ha ha ha).... I find this out of course, during a diaper change. Just how does one clean poop out of the seat of a rocking chair? The clothes, bedding and wall I have handled... I suppose I will have to break out the steam cleaner....
19. Leaning over my toddler to kiss her when she was a newborn. Finding out that she could projectile vomit... while I was leaning over her with an open mouth...
20. The 234th time listening to the #$%@&*^ Sophia the First CD in the car...
21. Having my toddler throw her hands around my neck for a big bear hug... only to smell a strong poop scent.
22. Pulling my daughter's poop covered hands out of my hair....
23. Walking around the side of the couch where my toddler was just sitting out of sight. See that, not only did she Hoodini poop out of her diaper again, not only did she come and hug me and bury her poop-covered hands in my hair, but she also got a hold of my purse.... and all the contents inside my purse....
24. Deciding to make "cloud dough" after seeing it on Pinterest. Deciding that I am going to be "mommy of the year" and get my daughter involved in a "sensory" activity instead of just sitting playing a game on the ipad.... I left my daughter alone in her high chair with the home made cloud dough (which has the consistency of sand) while I went to change the baby's diaper. Foolishly I thought that all would be well since I put down a table cloth under the high chair to catch the mess. I returned moments later to discover that the entire upstairs of my house looked like a trip to the beach, as the toddler had been THROWING the @#$%&^* cloud dough/sand crap as far as she could as well as eating it. Toddler was now a sandy, sticky mess along with entire upstairs of my home. Stripped toddler, and left her on my bed with a snack and the ipad while I cleaned up the god forsaken mess....
25. Walking back into my bedroom after cleaning up the Pinterest/cloud dough fiasco and discovering that my toddler had managed to get the lid of her sippy cup and make a puddle in the middle of my bed... not a wet spot, but a puddle.... but she had been using my duvet cover as a kleenex all week so really, it needed to be washed again anyway....
26. Consistently, for about a week straight, going into my toddler's room at all hours of the night and finding her, standing up in her crib, completely naked, having peed everywhere. This only ended when we stopped putting her in footie pyjamas.... I have no idea what she has against them, but by god you can NOT put that kid in footie pyjamas.
27. When I emptied the diaper pail and about an hour later my toddler walked up to me holding a very wet pee diaper.... but her diaper was still on.... and there were no old diapers in the diaper pail.... so at some point, she started hiding diapers somewhere and I can't find them....
28. When someone poops in the bath....
29. The 890th time watching Sophia the @#$%&*^ First
30. When the baby smiles at me. Or when my toddler laughs... my god.... Or when my toddler kisses the baby and says "heart"..... dear god thank you. The smell from the tops of their little heads.... sigh... Or when the baby coos at me while she nurses.... swoon.... Tiny hands that I can't stop holding, tiny mouths that I can't stop kissing... Dear god, for all my bitching and moaning, thank you. This is my life now, and I thank you.
