This is my life now....
I find myself uttering that phrase every once in a while. A deep sigh, releasing the tension from my shoulders as I exhale and say confidently "yes, this is my life now." I have found being the mom of a 2 year old and a 2 month old, it is far better for me to keep a mindset of "this is my life now" rather than "what the $%&# is going on!!!????!!!!" It is way easier for everyone involved if I just relinquish control and "go with the flow" as they say. To let go of the vision I had for parenthood and to instead just breathe deep and try to find the humour in whatever moment I'm currently in, to accept what is, to enjoy it even. These are my top 30 "yes, this is my life now" moments.
1. Standing in line at the bank with my then roughly one and a half year old. I looked away from her for a moment to talk to the teller and find my bank card. When I looked back she was almost completely naked except for her diaper... shoes and all....
2. Watching my toddler, in the middle of DQ, rip off her coat, kick off her shoes, and ROLL around on the floor kicking and screaming at the top of her lungs. Like "stop, drop and roll" type of rolling.
3. Watching my daughter thoroughly enjoy riding one of the loonie machine rides at the mall one week, only to have her, two weeks later, scream bloody murder at the top of her lungs when I tried to "treat" her and put her on the EXACT same ride she loved the crap out of 2 weeks earlier. Like, "OMG this psycho lady is trying to kidnap me" type of screaming... actually the same type of screaming that was seen in the DQ during the "stop drop and roll" performance.
4. When my then 16 month old walked up to me and lovingly laid her head on my lap and smiled up at me like a cherub... then, three seconds later, bit me hard enough on my thigh to leave a bruise. When I explained to her that "that hurt mummy!" she began to laugh like the hyenas from the Lion King.
5. Stepping out of the shower and towelling off, only to be interrupted by my toddler, who ran into the room and pointed up at my belly button ring. I put my hand over it defensively, knowing that she would most likely try to rip it out. I forgot that the 2 year old is smarter than me and the belly ring pointing was just part of her plan to distract me from her true motives. Her true motives became clear however, when she reached up and, instead of ripping out my belly ring that I had now protected, she instead ripped out a chunk of my pubic hair. As I dropped to the ground, unable to breathe, it became clear to me: she knows I took the epidural and is now trying to inflict as much physical pain as possible to make up for it....
6. Finding my toddler's pyjamas in the oven drawer...
7. Opening the fridge to get stuff to make dinner and then watching as my toddler began to lick the tops of all the condiment bottles.
8. Opening the dishwasher to unload the clean dishes and watching as my daughter started to lick everything.... kind of like she was "motorboating" the dishes, but with her tongue.
9. The 27th time watching Sophia the First.
10. Walking into my toddlers room one morning, only to discover that she had figured out how to get her diaper off..... at some point during the night, and had peed everywhere. That was the end of putting her to bed in a nightgown with no bottoms!
11. Walking into my toddlers room several days later, to discover that, despite the addition of bottoms to her nightgown, she had managed to Hoodini the poop out of her diaper without actually taking her diaper off. If I wasn't so grossed out in the moment I probably could have appreciated her artistic talent for finger painting.
12. Having to walk away from the computer just now to take a full can of ginger ale away from my toddler because she was using it as a soccer ball.
13. Feeling pride when my daughter decided to use her big girl potty to go pee, all by herself. Feeling less pride however when she decided to empty her potty into the big potty all by herself. It wouldn't have been so bad if she would have lifted the lid first....
14. Trying to make dinner as my toddler took every pot and pan out of the drawer and screamed at me when I tried to use them in order to make dinner. She then followed this up with taking the saran wrap out of the drawer and unraveling it, as well as taking every single ziploch bag out of every box. I pushed through and attempted to make dinner in what was an obstacle course instead of a kitchen.
15. When I say to my husband "Hey, she needs her nose wiped" and he looks at me, shrugs, and replies with "every toddler needs their nose wiped..."
16. Leaving the house knowing I am covered in about 4 different bodily fluids, none of which are my own.
17. One word... Thrush
18. Finding out that whenever my baby sneezes, she sprays a little poop....("little" ha ha ha).... I find this out of course, during a diaper change. Just how does one clean poop out of the seat of a rocking chair? The clothes, bedding and wall I have handled... I suppose I will have to break out the steam cleaner....
19. Leaning over my toddler to kiss her when she was a newborn. Finding out that she could projectile vomit... while I was leaning over her with an open mouth...
20. The 234th time listening to the #$%@&*^ Sophia the First CD in the car...
21. Having my toddler throw her hands around my neck for a big bear hug... only to smell a strong poop scent.
22. Pulling my daughter's poop covered hands out of my hair....
23. Walking around the side of the couch where my toddler was just sitting out of sight. See that, not only did she Hoodini poop out of her diaper again, not only did she come and hug me and bury her poop-covered hands in my hair, but she also got a hold of my purse.... and all the contents inside my purse....
24. Deciding to make "cloud dough" after seeing it on Pinterest. Deciding that I am going to be "mommy of the year" and get my daughter involved in a "sensory" activity instead of just sitting playing a game on the ipad.... I left my daughter alone in her high chair with the home made cloud dough (which has the consistency of sand) while I went to change the baby's diaper. Foolishly I thought that all would be well since I put down a table cloth under the high chair to catch the mess. I returned moments later to discover that the entire upstairs of my house looked like a trip to the beach, as the toddler had been THROWING the @#$%&^* cloud dough/sand crap as far as she could as well as eating it. Toddler was now a sandy, sticky mess along with entire upstairs of my home. Stripped toddler, and left her on my bed with a snack and the ipad while I cleaned up the god forsaken mess....
25. Walking back into my bedroom after cleaning up the Pinterest/cloud dough fiasco and discovering that my toddler had managed to get the lid of her sippy cup and make a puddle in the middle of my bed... not a wet spot, but a puddle.... but she had been using my duvet cover as a kleenex all week so really, it needed to be washed again anyway....
26. Consistently, for about a week straight, going into my toddler's room at all hours of the night and finding her, standing up in her crib, completely naked, having peed everywhere. This only ended when we stopped putting her in footie pyjamas.... I have no idea what she has against them, but by god you can NOT put that kid in footie pyjamas.
27. When I emptied the diaper pail and about an hour later my toddler walked up to me holding a very wet pee diaper.... but her diaper was still on.... and there were no old diapers in the diaper pail.... so at some point, she started hiding diapers somewhere and I can't find them....
28. When someone poops in the bath....
29. The 890th time watching Sophia the @#$%&*^ First
30. When the baby smiles at me. Or when my toddler laughs... my god.... Or when my toddler kisses the baby and says "heart"..... dear god thank you. The smell from the tops of their little heads.... sigh... Or when the baby coos at me while she nurses.... swoon.... Tiny hands that I can't stop holding, tiny mouths that I can't stop kissing... Dear god, for all my bitching and moaning, thank you. This is my life now, and I thank you.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
A letter to my daughter about rape.
I wrote this tonight. Wasn't sure if I should share it or not, then thought "what the hell...."
Hey sweetie. As I type this you are asleep in your crib, in 4 days you will be 18 months old. Maybe this is too early to be thinking these types of thoughts but they are in my head and none the less, need a place to go. I wonder, when should I give you this letter? I was thinking maybe when you turn 13 but who knows, maybe I will need to give it to you when you are 10 or 11, as it seems every generation is doing things younger and younger.
Honey, I need to tell you a couple of things. Basically, I need to tell you how unfair and shitty the world is. Yes, I'm sure by now you have heard me swear more than a few times (hopefully not too many) so the swears in this letter shouldn't be much of a shock. I need you to go out into the world and be informed. You can go and make whatever choices you want, I will support you whatever you decide, but I need you to be informed about those decisions. Here goes....
Firstly, you will probably experiment with alcohol at some point in your life, probably well before you are legal drinking age. Here is what I want you to know. What you deserve is to have the people you are partying with look out for you, make sure that you don't drink too much and hold your hair back as you puke in a toilet somewhere, or on the neighbour's lawn. Worst case scenario, you deserve to go out to a party with your friends, drink too much and then wake up a few hours later passed out on a couch with a penis drawn on your forehead in permanent marker. My dear, that is what you deserve. You deserve to go out, make a few mistakes and a few memories along the way, with little harm done. What I hate to tell you is that I can make absolutely ZERO guarantee that life will give you what you deserve. That's the shitty part. If you decide to drink at a party with friends, something that I'm sure will be common in your teens and twenties, the world offers you ZERO guarantee that you will be treated the way you deserve. Even if you go to a party or out to a bar and decide not to drink, the world will still give you ZERO guarantee that you will be treated the way you deserve. And believe me, I hate that fact as much if not more than you do.
Believe it or not, growing up your mother was something of a feminist (and still is to a large degree!) So for me to sit here and type that you have to act differently or think differently simply because you are a girl pisses me off more than you could ever know. You deserve to go out of this house, wherever you want, whenever you want, wearing whatever you want and do whatever you want to do (provided it doesn't harm yourself or anyone else!). You deserve that. You deserve to go freely and remain unharmed. But honey, I just can't guarantee you that it's safe to do so. That's the shitty part of all of this. You can make whatever decisions that you want to make, but I have to tell you that some are going to be safer decisions than others.
There are going to be some obvious scenarios that I hope you will avoid. Things like walking home alone at 2am through downtown Red Deer, running alone along the trail system (please always go with a buddy) and deciding to meet up with strangers that you met online. The ones that will be harder to navigate will inevitably be the ones involving alcohol (or drugs!) If you go out and drink too much, someone or several people could take advantage of the fact that you are passed out drunk. Someone could even take advantage of the fact that you went to the bathroom and left your drink on the counter by slipping something in it. It could be people that you would never expect. It could be friends of yours from school or your best friend's older brother. It seems that everyone thinks a rapist is some stranger in an alley somewhere. I hate to tell you this honey, but more often than not it is someone you know. I'm not saying that every guy you know will rape you or hurt you if given the chance, there are plenty of awesome guys out there. The problem is that they don't have signs on their foreheads telling you who is who.
Now don't get me wrong, if someone hurts you and does not treat you the way you deserve, that is in no way your fault. There are several things that I sincerely hope never happen to you, but if something does, know that it is the shitty world that failed, not you. If something does one day happen to you, please PLEASE tell me so that I can help you through it. The only thing worse for a girl when she is treated so horribly is the aftermath that follows. There have been so many news articles lately about girls who were assaulted by boys that they knew from school. Not only was it bad enough that these girls were assaulted by multiple people, but they were photographed when it happened and bullied on the internet afterwards. This is the kind of crap that I have to warn you about honey. The world is such a shitty, horrible place sometimes and I need you to not be blind to it. At the same time, I need you to understand that there is so, so much more to you than what is between your legs. If something horrible ever does happen to you, as hard as it is, I need you to remember that and I will help you to remember that. You are only 18 months but your spirit is so strong, I feel it already.
It's really scary for me as your mom. To know that I have this beautiful daughter whom I love more than my life, and to also know that I now have to let you go out into the shitty, horrible world. So why do it? Why bring a child into this world if it is so horrible? Because honey, I believe that we all need to leave this world a little bit better than we found it. For me, it is having you. I believe the world is better because you are in it. I really do. I know you are only 18 months but I believe you will do great things with your life and the world will need amazing young people like you.
I know we will probably clash often as you get older and become a teenager. You will want to wear things that I don't want you to wear, and go places that I don't want you to go. You will want to hang out with people I don't want you hanging out with, the list will be endless I'm sure. What I need you to understand is that it's not you that is the problem, it's what could be out there waiting for you. I don't want to shelter you to the point that you will be naive, but I can't be a good mom and let you go out the door everyday to do what ever you want and have you thinking that you are perfectly safe and that nothing bad will ever happen to you. If I tell you no, it's because I don't trust the situation. I am hoping that as you grow up we will work together and compromise on some "calculated" risks. Please go easy on me. There will be times that you hate me for telling you no but please know that if I do it's because I am trying to find a happy medium between "sheltered" and "high-risk."
As you get older, please set an example for others. Be wary when you hear gossip about a girl being a "slut" or a "whore." Be wary of people who post mean things or cruel photos of other people on the internet, particularly when they deal with sexual matters. First of all, if a girl is a slut for sleeping with a guy, then that guy is a slut too (really, what other people do with their bodies is no body's business so long as they are not hurting anyone). Please please please do not ever partake in this kind of gossip. Better yet, speak up when you hear other people gossiping and tell them that the double standard for girls is bullshit, and you have more important things to talk about than who someone is sleeping with. If you are ever in a situation where you think that an assault may have happened, is happening, or is about to happen to someone, please report it to an adult immediately. You can call me, tell a teacher at school, even call the cops if you need to. Not every girl is going to get warned about how crappy the world is, so you need to help look out for them. Please, look out for your friends and choose REAL friends who will look out for you. True friends are hard to come by, if you are lucky enough to find some, please never ditch them for ones that are more fun, pretty, popular....(insert adjective of your choice).
Above all please be a good friend to yourself. Take care of yourself, look out for yourself. Trust your instinct. If you feel that something isn't right and feel like you need to remove yourself from a situation then TRUST YOUR GUT! If you ever need to call me to come get you, no matter what time of day or night, no matter if you are somewhere that you shouldn't be, if you call me and tell me that you don't feel safe where you are I will come and get you and you will get a free pass. Yes, A FREE PASS! That means that if you are drunk as a skunk at a party at 2am you can call me to come get you and you will NOT get in trouble. Believe me, I will need to talk to you about it, but you won't suffer any consequences.
Please talk to me about any of this if you need to. Know that I love you, your father loves you, and we are here for you whenever you need us.
xo Mom.
Hey sweetie. As I type this you are asleep in your crib, in 4 days you will be 18 months old. Maybe this is too early to be thinking these types of thoughts but they are in my head and none the less, need a place to go. I wonder, when should I give you this letter? I was thinking maybe when you turn 13 but who knows, maybe I will need to give it to you when you are 10 or 11, as it seems every generation is doing things younger and younger.
Honey, I need to tell you a couple of things. Basically, I need to tell you how unfair and shitty the world is. Yes, I'm sure by now you have heard me swear more than a few times (hopefully not too many) so the swears in this letter shouldn't be much of a shock. I need you to go out into the world and be informed. You can go and make whatever choices you want, I will support you whatever you decide, but I need you to be informed about those decisions. Here goes....
Firstly, you will probably experiment with alcohol at some point in your life, probably well before you are legal drinking age. Here is what I want you to know. What you deserve is to have the people you are partying with look out for you, make sure that you don't drink too much and hold your hair back as you puke in a toilet somewhere, or on the neighbour's lawn. Worst case scenario, you deserve to go out to a party with your friends, drink too much and then wake up a few hours later passed out on a couch with a penis drawn on your forehead in permanent marker. My dear, that is what you deserve. You deserve to go out, make a few mistakes and a few memories along the way, with little harm done. What I hate to tell you is that I can make absolutely ZERO guarantee that life will give you what you deserve. That's the shitty part. If you decide to drink at a party with friends, something that I'm sure will be common in your teens and twenties, the world offers you ZERO guarantee that you will be treated the way you deserve. Even if you go to a party or out to a bar and decide not to drink, the world will still give you ZERO guarantee that you will be treated the way you deserve. And believe me, I hate that fact as much if not more than you do.
Believe it or not, growing up your mother was something of a feminist (and still is to a large degree!) So for me to sit here and type that you have to act differently or think differently simply because you are a girl pisses me off more than you could ever know. You deserve to go out of this house, wherever you want, whenever you want, wearing whatever you want and do whatever you want to do (provided it doesn't harm yourself or anyone else!). You deserve that. You deserve to go freely and remain unharmed. But honey, I just can't guarantee you that it's safe to do so. That's the shitty part of all of this. You can make whatever decisions that you want to make, but I have to tell you that some are going to be safer decisions than others.
There are going to be some obvious scenarios that I hope you will avoid. Things like walking home alone at 2am through downtown Red Deer, running alone along the trail system (please always go with a buddy) and deciding to meet up with strangers that you met online. The ones that will be harder to navigate will inevitably be the ones involving alcohol (or drugs!) If you go out and drink too much, someone or several people could take advantage of the fact that you are passed out drunk. Someone could even take advantage of the fact that you went to the bathroom and left your drink on the counter by slipping something in it. It could be people that you would never expect. It could be friends of yours from school or your best friend's older brother. It seems that everyone thinks a rapist is some stranger in an alley somewhere. I hate to tell you this honey, but more often than not it is someone you know. I'm not saying that every guy you know will rape you or hurt you if given the chance, there are plenty of awesome guys out there. The problem is that they don't have signs on their foreheads telling you who is who.
Now don't get me wrong, if someone hurts you and does not treat you the way you deserve, that is in no way your fault. There are several things that I sincerely hope never happen to you, but if something does, know that it is the shitty world that failed, not you. If something does one day happen to you, please PLEASE tell me so that I can help you through it. The only thing worse for a girl when she is treated so horribly is the aftermath that follows. There have been so many news articles lately about girls who were assaulted by boys that they knew from school. Not only was it bad enough that these girls were assaulted by multiple people, but they were photographed when it happened and bullied on the internet afterwards. This is the kind of crap that I have to warn you about honey. The world is such a shitty, horrible place sometimes and I need you to not be blind to it. At the same time, I need you to understand that there is so, so much more to you than what is between your legs. If something horrible ever does happen to you, as hard as it is, I need you to remember that and I will help you to remember that. You are only 18 months but your spirit is so strong, I feel it already.
It's really scary for me as your mom. To know that I have this beautiful daughter whom I love more than my life, and to also know that I now have to let you go out into the shitty, horrible world. So why do it? Why bring a child into this world if it is so horrible? Because honey, I believe that we all need to leave this world a little bit better than we found it. For me, it is having you. I believe the world is better because you are in it. I really do. I know you are only 18 months but I believe you will do great things with your life and the world will need amazing young people like you.
I know we will probably clash often as you get older and become a teenager. You will want to wear things that I don't want you to wear, and go places that I don't want you to go. You will want to hang out with people I don't want you hanging out with, the list will be endless I'm sure. What I need you to understand is that it's not you that is the problem, it's what could be out there waiting for you. I don't want to shelter you to the point that you will be naive, but I can't be a good mom and let you go out the door everyday to do what ever you want and have you thinking that you are perfectly safe and that nothing bad will ever happen to you. If I tell you no, it's because I don't trust the situation. I am hoping that as you grow up we will work together and compromise on some "calculated" risks. Please go easy on me. There will be times that you hate me for telling you no but please know that if I do it's because I am trying to find a happy medium between "sheltered" and "high-risk."
As you get older, please set an example for others. Be wary when you hear gossip about a girl being a "slut" or a "whore." Be wary of people who post mean things or cruel photos of other people on the internet, particularly when they deal with sexual matters. First of all, if a girl is a slut for sleeping with a guy, then that guy is a slut too (really, what other people do with their bodies is no body's business so long as they are not hurting anyone). Please please please do not ever partake in this kind of gossip. Better yet, speak up when you hear other people gossiping and tell them that the double standard for girls is bullshit, and you have more important things to talk about than who someone is sleeping with. If you are ever in a situation where you think that an assault may have happened, is happening, or is about to happen to someone, please report it to an adult immediately. You can call me, tell a teacher at school, even call the cops if you need to. Not every girl is going to get warned about how crappy the world is, so you need to help look out for them. Please, look out for your friends and choose REAL friends who will look out for you. True friends are hard to come by, if you are lucky enough to find some, please never ditch them for ones that are more fun, pretty, popular....(insert adjective of your choice).
Above all please be a good friend to yourself. Take care of yourself, look out for yourself. Trust your instinct. If you feel that something isn't right and feel like you need to remove yourself from a situation then TRUST YOUR GUT! If you ever need to call me to come get you, no matter what time of day or night, no matter if you are somewhere that you shouldn't be, if you call me and tell me that you don't feel safe where you are I will come and get you and you will get a free pass. Yes, A FREE PASS! That means that if you are drunk as a skunk at a party at 2am you can call me to come get you and you will NOT get in trouble. Believe me, I will need to talk to you about it, but you won't suffer any consequences.
Please talk to me about any of this if you need to. Know that I love you, your father loves you, and we are here for you whenever you need us.
xo Mom.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Fitted Sheets and YOLO.....
Today, I finally figured out how to fold a $%*#ing fitted sheet! Yes, that is correct. After years of trying, I have mastered folding the fitted sheet. It looks neat, pretty, and lines up in the drawer with the top sheet and pillowcases. Upon looking at my masterpiece I felt an incredible sense of accomplishment, followed by a feeling of contentment, followed by a feeling of pride that I can find joy in something so small and insignificant, followed shortly thereafter by a feeling of panic, that all it takes now for me to be happy is to learn how to fold a #@&%ing fitted sheet? .... followed next by the inevitable question: Is this what my life has come to?
I'm me, the same girl who swore to myself as a teenager that I wouldn't "settle" for being a mere housewife. The same girl who took off at 18 and traveled the world on a cruise ship. The same girl who went white water rafting in Costa Rica, rode a camel to the top of a volcano in Lanzarote, who saw Giselle danced onstage at the Alexandrinsky Theater by the St. Petersburg Ballet.... I road a God Damn gondola in Venice for frick sakes..... and now I am content to fold sheets? (not just any sheet... a perfectly folded fitted sheet!)
I am the same girl who left a crappy relationship at age 22 and struck out on my own. The same girl who decided to go back to school, earn a degree and make something of herself. The same girl who, when I started dating my husband, told him very matter-of-factly that I had a plan for my life, and that plan included a PhD before any children..... and that he was welcome to come along for the ride if he so chose to.... (but I would be in the drivers seat!)
So what has changed? How did I get from camels and gondolas and PhD's to fitted sheets? I thought about this for a bit this morning after little bean went down for her nap. It didn't take me long to come up with the answer.
The thing is, the older you get (not that 31 is terribly old in the grand scheme of life), the more you realize just how short life really is, and it is so important to spend your life doing what makes you happy. Life is too damn short to be unhappy all the time. It is really easy to get caught up in what we think SHOULD make us happy... it's even easier to get caught up in what we know will sound really impressive to others...
Sure, I remember being introduced to people at parties and having interesting stories to share. Stories about traveling, trips I have taken.... stories about the research I was doing at school and what my plans were for my future.... how I planned on making a difference.... Now when I meet people, the conversation inevitably turns to my kid and how I marvel at how right Louis CK was: No one tells you, when you become the parent of a baby girl, just how much time you will spend cleaning poop out of a tiny vagina....
I am that person at parties that no one wants to talk to, because all I talk about is my kid and how much I love being a mom. I don't impress anyone anymore... I BORE people. I have a pretty mundane life by a lot of people's standards. My husband and I are middle class, planning to grow our family. We have a dog and a cat and hope to have 2 or 3 kids. We have a nice (though not massive or impressive to many) home that I love to clean. (Yes... you read that correctly, I love to clean it! I love having a home to clean!!!!). My husband works for an oilfield company and I stay at home with our daughter, teaching at a dance studio part time. Our dream is to save up enough money to take our young family to Disneyland within the next 10 years.
Pretty mundane, pretty boring. But here's the thing.... I have never been happier or more grateful in my entire freaking life. That's the thing that you don't think about when you are young and trying to make something of yourself, happiness. And I'm not talking about "sweet I got a whole bunch of shots bought for me this weekend, now I can put more money away for my trip to Thiland!" happiness.... I'm talking about being content with your life, day after day, year after year. I'm talking about laying your head down on your pillow at night and not being able to imagine your life any better. This is not something that I take lightly. For a long time, I wasn't sure I was ever going to get to this point. To lay down at night, happy and content, not worried that I was somehow missing out on the life I was SUPPOSED to be living. The fact that I can feel this way at only 31 years of age makes me want to cry for how very blessed I am. The only thing that could make this life of mine any better would be another tiny, poopy bum to clean....
A great thing happens when you decide to stop doing what you think is SUPPOSED to make you happy, and you instead just go and do what makes you happy. When you stop worrying about what others will think of you, or what sounds impressive to some 23 year old at a party....
Contentment is a highly underrated feeling. I am grateful that it only took me to my late 20's to find that which makes me feel content and whole... and today, I am finding it in a perfectly folded fitted sheet.... So carpé diem my friends, go and do that which makes you happy and brings you contentment, whatever that my be... Or is it YOLO? Yes, yes I think that's what the kids are calling it these days.... I'm going to go and fold some more laundry now because YOLO....
I'm me, the same girl who swore to myself as a teenager that I wouldn't "settle" for being a mere housewife. The same girl who took off at 18 and traveled the world on a cruise ship. The same girl who went white water rafting in Costa Rica, rode a camel to the top of a volcano in Lanzarote, who saw Giselle danced onstage at the Alexandrinsky Theater by the St. Petersburg Ballet.... I road a God Damn gondola in Venice for frick sakes..... and now I am content to fold sheets? (not just any sheet... a perfectly folded fitted sheet!)
I am the same girl who left a crappy relationship at age 22 and struck out on my own. The same girl who decided to go back to school, earn a degree and make something of herself. The same girl who, when I started dating my husband, told him very matter-of-factly that I had a plan for my life, and that plan included a PhD before any children..... and that he was welcome to come along for the ride if he so chose to.... (but I would be in the drivers seat!)
So what has changed? How did I get from camels and gondolas and PhD's to fitted sheets? I thought about this for a bit this morning after little bean went down for her nap. It didn't take me long to come up with the answer.
The thing is, the older you get (not that 31 is terribly old in the grand scheme of life), the more you realize just how short life really is, and it is so important to spend your life doing what makes you happy. Life is too damn short to be unhappy all the time. It is really easy to get caught up in what we think SHOULD make us happy... it's even easier to get caught up in what we know will sound really impressive to others...
Sure, I remember being introduced to people at parties and having interesting stories to share. Stories about traveling, trips I have taken.... stories about the research I was doing at school and what my plans were for my future.... how I planned on making a difference.... Now when I meet people, the conversation inevitably turns to my kid and how I marvel at how right Louis CK was: No one tells you, when you become the parent of a baby girl, just how much time you will spend cleaning poop out of a tiny vagina....
I am that person at parties that no one wants to talk to, because all I talk about is my kid and how much I love being a mom. I don't impress anyone anymore... I BORE people. I have a pretty mundane life by a lot of people's standards. My husband and I are middle class, planning to grow our family. We have a dog and a cat and hope to have 2 or 3 kids. We have a nice (though not massive or impressive to many) home that I love to clean. (Yes... you read that correctly, I love to clean it! I love having a home to clean!!!!). My husband works for an oilfield company and I stay at home with our daughter, teaching at a dance studio part time. Our dream is to save up enough money to take our young family to Disneyland within the next 10 years.
Pretty mundane, pretty boring. But here's the thing.... I have never been happier or more grateful in my entire freaking life. That's the thing that you don't think about when you are young and trying to make something of yourself, happiness. And I'm not talking about "sweet I got a whole bunch of shots bought for me this weekend, now I can put more money away for my trip to Thiland!" happiness.... I'm talking about being content with your life, day after day, year after year. I'm talking about laying your head down on your pillow at night and not being able to imagine your life any better. This is not something that I take lightly. For a long time, I wasn't sure I was ever going to get to this point. To lay down at night, happy and content, not worried that I was somehow missing out on the life I was SUPPOSED to be living. The fact that I can feel this way at only 31 years of age makes me want to cry for how very blessed I am. The only thing that could make this life of mine any better would be another tiny, poopy bum to clean....
A great thing happens when you decide to stop doing what you think is SUPPOSED to make you happy, and you instead just go and do what makes you happy. When you stop worrying about what others will think of you, or what sounds impressive to some 23 year old at a party....
Contentment is a highly underrated feeling. I am grateful that it only took me to my late 20's to find that which makes me feel content and whole... and today, I am finding it in a perfectly folded fitted sheet.... So carpé diem my friends, go and do that which makes you happy and brings you contentment, whatever that my be... Or is it YOLO? Yes, yes I think that's what the kids are calling it these days.... I'm going to go and fold some more laundry now because YOLO....
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Complexity
I'm one of those people who likes to try to deal with things by using humor when I can. If you have read any of my other posts you will (hopefully) note a hint of sarcasm and wit from time to time. I'm afraid this post will probably provide none of those. None the less, I feel as though I am in a situation where I can provide some information, useful information for once, and so I feel compelled to share. I often feel as though I am on the cusp of adulthood. I mean real adulthood, not "I'm 18! I'm an adult!" adulthood. As I type this I am sitting beside a little girl eating rice crispies in her highchair. Every now and then she will lean over and wipe a sticky hand on my knee leaving tiny, sticky milk hand prints. After I finish my decafe coffee my day will be filled with online bill paying, laundry, diaper changes and such. But, just 4 short years ago, I was simultaneously balancing waitressing, drinking my face off on weekends, and finishing a degree. The only one I had to take care of was myself and my cat, and we lived in a basement suite that was about the size of my current livingroom. In my free time I would hang out with friends and discuss the problems of the world, theology, zombie attacks, the idiots we liked to date... you name it. Now in my free time I hang out with other mommies and their kids and we discuss how much we love our slow cookers.... You get the idea.
My point is this, I remember being single. I remember being kidless. It was only 4 short years ago and I remember how much I didn't know about this kind of life. It would piss me off when someone would say that their kid was 24 months instead of 2. When I saw a kid with one of those backpack leashes on, I judged the hell out of that parent. Now that I am immersed in it, I understand that I was making judgments on something that I knew nothing about. Little information + judgmental attitude = difficult time for all involved. The purpose of this post was to share a little information on something that I once had opinions on but no actual experience with. A touchy, little-talked about subject. Miscarriage.
If you are one of a few close friends and family who are reading this then you already know that, unfortunately, my husband and I lost a pregnancy about a week and a half ago. I was a couple months in. It was a pretty typical experience, something was probably off on a chromosomal level, my body knew this and thus, nature took its course. There was nothing my husband or I could have done to prevent it, it is just a part of life for many families. Statistics tell us that about 1 in 5 known pregnancies will end in a miscarriage, usually in the first 3 months. If you are reading this and are a woman with 2 or more kids then, chances are, you probably experienced at least one miscarriage at some point in your life.
If you have no experience on this subject, please help yourself to some of mine. I often feel as though my daughter has made me a much better person, as she has taught me so much in only 14 months. I am humbled when I realize that, though the little one that grew in my tummy for 8 weeks was only around for a short time, he/she has managed to do the same. Because of that pregnancy and that experience, I learned a lot and am a better person. Here is what that little bean in my belly taught me:
1. There is no right way to deal with the loss of a pregnancy. Some women will feel relief that their body knew something was wrong and acted accordingly, other women will tearfully recall a miscarriage that occurred 40 years ago. Neither of these is wrong, nor is any reaction on the spectrum in between the two. Every woman is different. Some start buying baby things and begin celebrating the moment they see those 2 pink lines on the home pregnancy test, others don't feel any attachment until the baby is placed in their arms after birth. Don't assume that your experience or your partner's experience will be the same as everyone else's. It will be what it is.
2. If someone is grieving a miscarriage, try not to judge it. Try not to judge how and why they should grieve, or how long they should grieve. Miscarriages are a complicated experience for a lot of women. Usually, when someone you love dies, it is very socially acceptable to grieve. Other people also have memories or even photos and videos of the two of you together. If you mother or brother dies, you grieve the person that you lost and you grieve all the future memories you will no longer make. In a miscarriage, you are grieving someone that you have not even met. You are grieving the possibility of that person, of the life and all the memories that were to come. It is difficult because no one else even met that person, not even you. There are no pictures, no videos, not even any memories. Just the endless possibilities that are no longer there. Imagine trying to grieve the loss of someone dear to you, someone that no one else even knows existed. Complicated....
3. Going along with #2, be sensitive to the fact that for a lot of women, even though they hadn't yet met that baby, they loved him/her. When you love someone, you grieve the loss of that individual. Simple as that. You wouldn't be insensitive to someone that just lost a family member, and for many women, they count that pregnancy as a family member. Not all women, but some do. Again, there is no right or wrong way to deal with a miscarriage, you can only take it as it comes.
4. "Not Viable" is a term that gets passed around a lot. In the case of mine, it was not a viable pregnancy. Again, this is a hard one to hear. Keep in mind that, for many women, just because the baby was not viable to survive in this world, does not mean that he/she is not viable to live in our hearts. Unless you are a medical doctor, avoid using this term.
5. "You'll have more children".... again, avoid saying this. It is good to be positive, but it may not be something that the woman wants to hear right away. Besides the fact that sometimes a miscarriage can do a number on a woman's body, sometimes leaving them unable to have more children, it trivializes the current situation. Without knowing the woman's full past, present and future medical information (which no one except big guns upstairs has access to), avoid this one. No one knows what the future holds, and she will only know how she feels right now. Many women have avoided trying to have more children after a miscarriage, as the experience was just too painful.
6. "You can always adopt..." Again, not something you want to hear after just experiencing a miscarriage. I am all for adoption, but I also understand that I can't just walk into an adoption center tomorrow and leave with a baby. Understand that adoption often takes years and can cost thousands of dollars. Being blasé about the whole thing and flippantly telling them to just adopt is not helping an already sensitive situation.
7. "Well, at least you have your other kid(s)"... ouch.... This is such a double edged sword. I do fully believe that my daughter has helped me through this experience, more so than anyone else. I am grateful everyday that I have her. I had an ultrasound the day before my miscarriage and found that there was no heartbeat, and would inevitably lose the pregnancy soon. I came home to a smiling 14 month old, sitting in her high chair eating breakfast with dad. I can't imagine coming home to a silent house. It would have been unbearable. My heart aches for the women who try for years to get pregnant and then have a miscarriage. In saying that, I have a friend with 4 children who experienced a miscarriage during her 5th pregnancy. I can honestly say that she experienced just as much pain as I did, if not more. No matter how many children you may or may not have, if you want a baby.... then YOU WANT THAT BABY. If you have other children, doesn't make that baby any less loved or any less wanted. Try to keep that in mind. It's really easy to make comments about "fate" or the "overpopulation of society" or how certain people "just shouldn't have kids" when it's not you.
8. "I guess it just wasn't meant to be..." Do. Not. Say. This. Ever.
9. Hormones. Dear god the hormones. Your body is a physiological mess for a little bit, it feels like it doesn't know if its pregnant or not (which is really, exactly what's happening). If a family member or coworker or some one you know has experienced a miscarriage recently, go easy on them. They may calmly talk about the experience in detail with someone one minute, and then burst into tears 20 minutes later when someone walks up and says hello to them. If they are acting like a crazy person, well... it's because they probably feel like a crazy person. The experience of a miscarriage can range from mild to extreme, both emotionally and physiologically. Again, never assume that you know what someone is going through.
10. In a conversation I had the other day with one of the ministers at my church, he said something that made a lot of sense to me. He told me that the two most spiritually powerful experiences that an individual can experience is the birth of a new life and the death of a life. Miscarriage/Stillbirth is the only time you simultaneously experience both of those. A new life is over before it has had the chance to really begin. Again, keep this in mind if someone you know is going through this experience. If they seem like a crazy person who is having life-changing epiphanies every 10 minutes, followed by 2 days of weeping... well, its because they are going through a lot. That and the hormones....
So Cristina, what the hell do I say? The best thing? Just saying "I wish I knew what to say." For me, there is something incredibly comforting in knowing that someone understands the gravity of the situation, they don't want to trivialize anything, they just want to comfort me but can't. I know that sounds complicated, but it's just about knowing that people care about you, they care about what you are going through, and they aren't going to spit out some token advice and then move on. They recognize that they can't do a thing to help you, even though they want to. It's actually a lot like what a miscarriage feels like emotionally, knowing that there is not a thing you can do to save the pregnancy, even though you want to. You just have to let time take over and take it day by day. The other thing that helped a lot was hugs from other women, various ages, who simply said "I understand." No judgments from them, no comparison about whose miscarriage was worse and who handled it better, just a simple hug and an "I understand." It also helped me just to talk about it with other women. To hear all of our collective experiences and how we've all dealt with it differently. That approach may not work for everyone, but it really made a difference for me.
So, if you are a kidless person by choice or someone with kids who just has never experienced this and who didn't quite understand the complexity of a miscarriage, my hope is that I shed a little light on it for you. And if you are a women who knows what I am talking about, if you need it, here is my Hug and my "I understand." xo
My point is this, I remember being single. I remember being kidless. It was only 4 short years ago and I remember how much I didn't know about this kind of life. It would piss me off when someone would say that their kid was 24 months instead of 2. When I saw a kid with one of those backpack leashes on, I judged the hell out of that parent. Now that I am immersed in it, I understand that I was making judgments on something that I knew nothing about. Little information + judgmental attitude = difficult time for all involved. The purpose of this post was to share a little information on something that I once had opinions on but no actual experience with. A touchy, little-talked about subject. Miscarriage.
If you are one of a few close friends and family who are reading this then you already know that, unfortunately, my husband and I lost a pregnancy about a week and a half ago. I was a couple months in. It was a pretty typical experience, something was probably off on a chromosomal level, my body knew this and thus, nature took its course. There was nothing my husband or I could have done to prevent it, it is just a part of life for many families. Statistics tell us that about 1 in 5 known pregnancies will end in a miscarriage, usually in the first 3 months. If you are reading this and are a woman with 2 or more kids then, chances are, you probably experienced at least one miscarriage at some point in your life.
If you have no experience on this subject, please help yourself to some of mine. I often feel as though my daughter has made me a much better person, as she has taught me so much in only 14 months. I am humbled when I realize that, though the little one that grew in my tummy for 8 weeks was only around for a short time, he/she has managed to do the same. Because of that pregnancy and that experience, I learned a lot and am a better person. Here is what that little bean in my belly taught me:
1. There is no right way to deal with the loss of a pregnancy. Some women will feel relief that their body knew something was wrong and acted accordingly, other women will tearfully recall a miscarriage that occurred 40 years ago. Neither of these is wrong, nor is any reaction on the spectrum in between the two. Every woman is different. Some start buying baby things and begin celebrating the moment they see those 2 pink lines on the home pregnancy test, others don't feel any attachment until the baby is placed in their arms after birth. Don't assume that your experience or your partner's experience will be the same as everyone else's. It will be what it is.
2. If someone is grieving a miscarriage, try not to judge it. Try not to judge how and why they should grieve, or how long they should grieve. Miscarriages are a complicated experience for a lot of women. Usually, when someone you love dies, it is very socially acceptable to grieve. Other people also have memories or even photos and videos of the two of you together. If you mother or brother dies, you grieve the person that you lost and you grieve all the future memories you will no longer make. In a miscarriage, you are grieving someone that you have not even met. You are grieving the possibility of that person, of the life and all the memories that were to come. It is difficult because no one else even met that person, not even you. There are no pictures, no videos, not even any memories. Just the endless possibilities that are no longer there. Imagine trying to grieve the loss of someone dear to you, someone that no one else even knows existed. Complicated....
3. Going along with #2, be sensitive to the fact that for a lot of women, even though they hadn't yet met that baby, they loved him/her. When you love someone, you grieve the loss of that individual. Simple as that. You wouldn't be insensitive to someone that just lost a family member, and for many women, they count that pregnancy as a family member. Not all women, but some do. Again, there is no right or wrong way to deal with a miscarriage, you can only take it as it comes.
4. "Not Viable" is a term that gets passed around a lot. In the case of mine, it was not a viable pregnancy. Again, this is a hard one to hear. Keep in mind that, for many women, just because the baby was not viable to survive in this world, does not mean that he/she is not viable to live in our hearts. Unless you are a medical doctor, avoid using this term.
5. "You'll have more children".... again, avoid saying this. It is good to be positive, but it may not be something that the woman wants to hear right away. Besides the fact that sometimes a miscarriage can do a number on a woman's body, sometimes leaving them unable to have more children, it trivializes the current situation. Without knowing the woman's full past, present and future medical information (which no one except big guns upstairs has access to), avoid this one. No one knows what the future holds, and she will only know how she feels right now. Many women have avoided trying to have more children after a miscarriage, as the experience was just too painful.
6. "You can always adopt..." Again, not something you want to hear after just experiencing a miscarriage. I am all for adoption, but I also understand that I can't just walk into an adoption center tomorrow and leave with a baby. Understand that adoption often takes years and can cost thousands of dollars. Being blasé about the whole thing and flippantly telling them to just adopt is not helping an already sensitive situation.
7. "Well, at least you have your other kid(s)"... ouch.... This is such a double edged sword. I do fully believe that my daughter has helped me through this experience, more so than anyone else. I am grateful everyday that I have her. I had an ultrasound the day before my miscarriage and found that there was no heartbeat, and would inevitably lose the pregnancy soon. I came home to a smiling 14 month old, sitting in her high chair eating breakfast with dad. I can't imagine coming home to a silent house. It would have been unbearable. My heart aches for the women who try for years to get pregnant and then have a miscarriage. In saying that, I have a friend with 4 children who experienced a miscarriage during her 5th pregnancy. I can honestly say that she experienced just as much pain as I did, if not more. No matter how many children you may or may not have, if you want a baby.... then YOU WANT THAT BABY. If you have other children, doesn't make that baby any less loved or any less wanted. Try to keep that in mind. It's really easy to make comments about "fate" or the "overpopulation of society" or how certain people "just shouldn't have kids" when it's not you.
8. "I guess it just wasn't meant to be..." Do. Not. Say. This. Ever.
9. Hormones. Dear god the hormones. Your body is a physiological mess for a little bit, it feels like it doesn't know if its pregnant or not (which is really, exactly what's happening). If a family member or coworker or some one you know has experienced a miscarriage recently, go easy on them. They may calmly talk about the experience in detail with someone one minute, and then burst into tears 20 minutes later when someone walks up and says hello to them. If they are acting like a crazy person, well... it's because they probably feel like a crazy person. The experience of a miscarriage can range from mild to extreme, both emotionally and physiologically. Again, never assume that you know what someone is going through.
10. In a conversation I had the other day with one of the ministers at my church, he said something that made a lot of sense to me. He told me that the two most spiritually powerful experiences that an individual can experience is the birth of a new life and the death of a life. Miscarriage/Stillbirth is the only time you simultaneously experience both of those. A new life is over before it has had the chance to really begin. Again, keep this in mind if someone you know is going through this experience. If they seem like a crazy person who is having life-changing epiphanies every 10 minutes, followed by 2 days of weeping... well, its because they are going through a lot. That and the hormones....
So Cristina, what the hell do I say? The best thing? Just saying "I wish I knew what to say." For me, there is something incredibly comforting in knowing that someone understands the gravity of the situation, they don't want to trivialize anything, they just want to comfort me but can't. I know that sounds complicated, but it's just about knowing that people care about you, they care about what you are going through, and they aren't going to spit out some token advice and then move on. They recognize that they can't do a thing to help you, even though they want to. It's actually a lot like what a miscarriage feels like emotionally, knowing that there is not a thing you can do to save the pregnancy, even though you want to. You just have to let time take over and take it day by day. The other thing that helped a lot was hugs from other women, various ages, who simply said "I understand." No judgments from them, no comparison about whose miscarriage was worse and who handled it better, just a simple hug and an "I understand." It also helped me just to talk about it with other women. To hear all of our collective experiences and how we've all dealt with it differently. That approach may not work for everyone, but it really made a difference for me.
So, if you are a kidless person by choice or someone with kids who just has never experienced this and who didn't quite understand the complexity of a miscarriage, my hope is that I shed a little light on it for you. And if you are a women who knows what I am talking about, if you need it, here is my Hug and my "I understand." xo
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Bullies... and Balls....
A really hot topic in the news right now is bullying. It seems that everyone everywhere is against it and countless celebrities are speaking out against it. An amazing video of a news anchor went viral after she stood up against a hurtful email written by a viewer who criticized her body size.(watch the video here, I highly suggest you do! http://www.upworthy.com/bully-calls-news-anchor-fat-news-anchor-destroys-him-on-live-tv ) Some people feel that bullying is a part of growing up and we are turning our kids into softies if we try to keep them from ever being bullied. I for one believe that you can grow into a perfectly fine, motivated, driven person without ever having been bullied, but that's another post...
What I think is more of a concern is why do kids bully in the first place? If you could (hypothetically) put a bunch of small children (think 2 years old) alone on a deserted island (assuming they could take care of themselves)... would they, without any influence from anyone, begin to bully each other as they grew up? If they all had the exact same life experiences, no one who bullied because they had a "difficult home life" or who were "insecure".... would they naturally begin to bully each other? It is an interesting thought. Though I know we are naturally inclined to have a certain amount of competitiveness, I for one believe that bullying is taught. I don't believe that kids naturally want to treat each other cruelly. If the behavior was not modeled for them, then they wouldn't learn how to do it. (I also believe that the same "learning through modeling" theory is true for girls learning to dislike their physical appearance, but that again is another post and probably a dissertation) I digress....
A few things have been in the news lately that have really caught my attention. Both Lady Ga Ga and Christina Aguilera have been dragged through the muck because of their weight gain. Keep in mind that neither of these ladies could possibly qualify as overweight by a doctor's standards, nor has their weight gain affected their singing ability. But apparently you need to be a size 0 to sing well... be sure to tell that to Aretha Franklin. What really impressed me was that Lady Ga Ga decided to not only stand up for herself and speak out on her experiences with disordered eating, but she posted photos of herself in her underwear as a way to encourage others to "embrace their flaws." The woman freakin' posed in her underwear after being criticized for gaining weight... whatever your feelings on Ga Ga, one thing can be certain... she's got balls.
(see photos here http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/09/26/ralph-lauren-plus-size-model-robyn-lawley-i-m-proud-of-my-body.html )
What makes me somewhat sad is that I for one think that Ga Ga looks beautiful in these photos, not overweight at all! She may not be a size 0, but I think her body looks rockin! So there in lies the problem, if this woman, looking like this, is being criticized for how she looks, what chance do I have? Every time I hear someone criticize a celebrity or even a regular person for how they look, a small part of me panics. Mentally I look at the body being criticized and immediately compare it to my own. The inner dialogue kicks in: "am I smaller or bigger than her? Do I have more cellulite than her? Oh no, I have lots of cellulite and she doesn't have any! I better never let anyone see me naked. Oh god you think she has big thighs!? I can't even imagine what you say about my thighs when I'm not around... I really should start running... " etc.....
And this really is the problem. Little girls grow up hearing the women in their lives talk about how much they hate their own bodies. Little girls hear women nit pick about their cellulite and their baby weight, then they go on to hear about how some celebrity gained 70lbs during pregnancy and can't get it off. Teenagers watch a show with their mom and hear their mother make comments about how a certain actress can't get away with wearing a certain style of dress because they have gotten too "hippy"... then they go grocery shopping and watch mom or grandma buy the magazines with headlines like "Hollywood's 10 worst bikini bodies".....
Bullying really is taught. Especially for us girls. We are taught how to bully ourselves and how to bully others. It becomes so easy that it is like second nature for us to judge others and hate our own appearance. And so, in an attempt to be as ballsy as Ga Ga.....
Yup, here I am in a bikini. My daughter is turning a year old on Sunday and you know what? Even two years ago I never would have had the guts to do something like this. But something about becoming a mommy has made me a little more feisty than before...
So here it is, my body, in all its imperfectness. Thighs too big to be considered TV worthy. Cellulite from butt cheek to ankles, and even some creeping up on the backs of my arms. Stretch marks from my teenage growth spurt, and little scars on my stomach from a gallbladder surgery. A little hint of a tummy where a 6 pack once was. Pale legs and torso from lack of sun and tanning beds... Boobs too small to be considered for the cover of Maxim... etc... etc.. etc... I could go on, and I'm sure many other people could as well.
But here's the thing... none of that really matters. No, really! As much as I panic every time I hear someone criticizing someone else's body, as much as I panic and wonder what they must then think of MY body... my physical
faults really don't matter.
Here is what does...
My thighs may be "too big" and covered in cellulite, but I have a brother who has been wheelchair bound since birth and I'm sure he would gladly trade legs with me any day. My arms may have cellulite on them, but they pick up a smiling baby from her crib every morning and hug her father often.
That little bit of a tummy and lack of 6 pack is the place where that baby grew for nearly 10 months before coming into this world and forever changing my life.
My skin is pale in places because I don't have time to lounge out in the sun anymore, I'm busy keeping a home and raising a human. And tanning beds? Well, skin cancer doesn't seem so fun anymore...
And those boobs have been able to feed a beautiful, healthy baby for the last year. They may not be impressive to a lot of people, but my baby thinks they are the greatest things ever!
So there it is. Keep in mind that every BODY has a story. Every BODY has been through things, good and bad. When you reduce people to their mere physical appearance, or pick apart how they look, you are ignoring the STORY that is their life. Yes, even celebrities are real people who have gone through life and had experiences. Since you don't know every single detail of a stranger's, friend's or celebrity's life... maybe you should think twice before commenting on their body. You have no way of knowing what that BODY has been through.
So there it is, my rant for the day. My husband is reminding me that this is ironic since I made a comment on facebook today about "Whores" at Halloween and their lack of clothing. So I guess here I am, just in time for Halloween, with my complete lack of clothing.
Though I never criticize their body size, only their lack of clothing, I may need to re-think my views of certain girls at Halloween. If I don't want to be bullied for my clothing size, I best not bully anyone else for their taste in Halloween costumes. Does it really make a difference to me if someone wants to wear a headband as a skirt? Is there a difference between someone wearing a bra out to the bar and me posting a photo of myself in a bikini? More food for thought I guess.... One thing is for sure, my daughter will never, ever find a magazine in this house with a headline discussing a celebrity's weight. Nor will she ever hear me lament on my baby weight... that little tummy means that I have a little person in my life, blessed am I :)
What I think is more of a concern is why do kids bully in the first place? If you could (hypothetically) put a bunch of small children (think 2 years old) alone on a deserted island (assuming they could take care of themselves)... would they, without any influence from anyone, begin to bully each other as they grew up? If they all had the exact same life experiences, no one who bullied because they had a "difficult home life" or who were "insecure".... would they naturally begin to bully each other? It is an interesting thought. Though I know we are naturally inclined to have a certain amount of competitiveness, I for one believe that bullying is taught. I don't believe that kids naturally want to treat each other cruelly. If the behavior was not modeled for them, then they wouldn't learn how to do it. (I also believe that the same "learning through modeling" theory is true for girls learning to dislike their physical appearance, but that again is another post and probably a dissertation) I digress....
A few things have been in the news lately that have really caught my attention. Both Lady Ga Ga and Christina Aguilera have been dragged through the muck because of their weight gain. Keep in mind that neither of these ladies could possibly qualify as overweight by a doctor's standards, nor has their weight gain affected their singing ability. But apparently you need to be a size 0 to sing well... be sure to tell that to Aretha Franklin. What really impressed me was that Lady Ga Ga decided to not only stand up for herself and speak out on her experiences with disordered eating, but she posted photos of herself in her underwear as a way to encourage others to "embrace their flaws." The woman freakin' posed in her underwear after being criticized for gaining weight... whatever your feelings on Ga Ga, one thing can be certain... she's got balls.
(see photos here http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/09/26/ralph-lauren-plus-size-model-robyn-lawley-i-m-proud-of-my-body.html )
What makes me somewhat sad is that I for one think that Ga Ga looks beautiful in these photos, not overweight at all! She may not be a size 0, but I think her body looks rockin! So there in lies the problem, if this woman, looking like this, is being criticized for how she looks, what chance do I have? Every time I hear someone criticize a celebrity or even a regular person for how they look, a small part of me panics. Mentally I look at the body being criticized and immediately compare it to my own. The inner dialogue kicks in: "am I smaller or bigger than her? Do I have more cellulite than her? Oh no, I have lots of cellulite and she doesn't have any! I better never let anyone see me naked. Oh god you think she has big thighs!? I can't even imagine what you say about my thighs when I'm not around... I really should start running... " etc.....
And this really is the problem. Little girls grow up hearing the women in their lives talk about how much they hate their own bodies. Little girls hear women nit pick about their cellulite and their baby weight, then they go on to hear about how some celebrity gained 70lbs during pregnancy and can't get it off. Teenagers watch a show with their mom and hear their mother make comments about how a certain actress can't get away with wearing a certain style of dress because they have gotten too "hippy"... then they go grocery shopping and watch mom or grandma buy the magazines with headlines like "Hollywood's 10 worst bikini bodies".....
Bullying really is taught. Especially for us girls. We are taught how to bully ourselves and how to bully others. It becomes so easy that it is like second nature for us to judge others and hate our own appearance. And so, in an attempt to be as ballsy as Ga Ga.....
So here it is, my body, in all its imperfectness. Thighs too big to be considered TV worthy. Cellulite from butt cheek to ankles, and even some creeping up on the backs of my arms. Stretch marks from my teenage growth spurt, and little scars on my stomach from a gallbladder surgery. A little hint of a tummy where a 6 pack once was. Pale legs and torso from lack of sun and tanning beds... Boobs too small to be considered for the cover of Maxim... etc... etc.. etc... I could go on, and I'm sure many other people could as well.
But here's the thing... none of that really matters. No, really! As much as I panic every time I hear someone criticizing someone else's body, as much as I panic and wonder what they must then think of MY body... my physical
faults really don't matter.Here is what does...
My thighs may be "too big" and covered in cellulite, but I have a brother who has been wheelchair bound since birth and I'm sure he would gladly trade legs with me any day. My arms may have cellulite on them, but they pick up a smiling baby from her crib every morning and hug her father often.
That little bit of a tummy and lack of 6 pack is the place where that baby grew for nearly 10 months before coming into this world and forever changing my life.
My skin is pale in places because I don't have time to lounge out in the sun anymore, I'm busy keeping a home and raising a human. And tanning beds? Well, skin cancer doesn't seem so fun anymore...
And those boobs have been able to feed a beautiful, healthy baby for the last year. They may not be impressive to a lot of people, but my baby thinks they are the greatest things ever!
So there it is, my rant for the day. My husband is reminding me that this is ironic since I made a comment on facebook today about "Whores" at Halloween and their lack of clothing. So I guess here I am, just in time for Halloween, with my complete lack of clothing.
Though I never criticize their body size, only their lack of clothing, I may need to re-think my views of certain girls at Halloween. If I don't want to be bullied for my clothing size, I best not bully anyone else for their taste in Halloween costumes. Does it really make a difference to me if someone wants to wear a headband as a skirt? Is there a difference between someone wearing a bra out to the bar and me posting a photo of myself in a bikini? More food for thought I guess.... One thing is for sure, my daughter will never, ever find a magazine in this house with a headline discussing a celebrity's weight. Nor will she ever hear me lament on my baby weight... that little tummy means that I have a little person in my life, blessed am I :)
Monday, September 10, 2012
Kairos....
Just after I had my little bean a friend on facebook posted a wonderful article published on the Canadian Huffington Post website. It was a beautiful article, written by a mother of three young children, in which the author encourages fellow mothers of young children to not "carpe diem" as they are often told to do by well meaning older mothers with grown children. Instead, she encourages fellow mothers to take pleasure in those few, quiet moments during the day where one can truly appreciate motherhood, moments called "kairos time." below is the link for the article and I strongly suggest reading it:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html
In the article she explains the difference between chronological time and kairos time. Chronological time is the time that we live by. It is in chronological time that I wake with baby around 3 am and then again at 7am and sleepily breastfeed her before getting out of bed. It is in chronological time that I know I need to get the bed made and the dishwasher unloaded first thing, or it doesn't get done at all that day. In chrono time I know that if the baby goes down for a morning nap any later than 10:30, I am assured a meltdown. It is in chrono time that I know if I don't get that shower in while she naps, I won't get one at all. Chrono time tells me what time Sesame Street comes on, what time hubby gets home for lunch, what time the library, costco, bank, etc... closes. Chrono time tells me when I need to put baby down for her afternoon nap and how many hours/minutes I have to get my errands done so that I don't end up in the checkout line at walmart with a screaming baby. Chrono time tells me when I need to start supper, put in laundry, clean the floors before bed, etc... (and yes, thanks to a baby that likes to chase the pets, pull out their fur and throw her food around, I get to sweep, swiffer and mop the floors each and every night). Chrono time tells me when my mat leave is done and when I need to return to work. It is in chrono time that I hear "oh she isn't sleeping through the night yet?" and "aren't you worried she isn't crawling?" Chrono time is also the one that tells me I am constantly late and behind in all that I do.... As you can imagine, I am not such a fan of Chrono time.
I used to experience kairos time, but not nearly as often as I do now. For me, motherhood has made me much more appreciative and grateful. Kairos time is often referred to as God's time, a time when something special happens, time freezes, and the moments stretch out....
For me, kairos time often happens when I breastfeed little bean before her naps and before bed. And yes, sometimes it even happens at 3am. As much as I try to fit on my "To Do" list during the day (clean the garage, make an amazing 3 course meal for supper, take little bean on a 3 hour nature hike...etc...ha ha ha), when I breastfeed I am forced to sit alone with my baby in a quiet, dark room for at least a good 15mins while I put her down to sleep. After feeding and cleaning and crying and teething and playing and diaper changing.... all at once we are still and I get to just look down at her. I get to stare at her and really study her face, her father's long beautiful eyelashes, her tiny mouth, she has my little nose. I look down at her tiny hand wrapped around my thumb. She lets out a contented little sigh as my milk lets down and time freezes..... This tiny little being, growing bigger by the day... I look down and my heart bubbles over. She is all of the good in me and none of the bad. Every kind thing I have ever said, every compassionate act, every positive thought. So tiny and so small and wanting nothing but to love and be loved. Pure, simple... just love.
I stay in that moment for a while. 5 mins? 10 mins? maybe even 20? I don't know and it doesn't matter. Sometimes I force myself to put her in her crib and return to my To Do list, to chrono time. But, more often than not, I stay there, in kairos time. Yes sometimes I stay as long as 20 minutes, just sitting there, staring at her. Once I even stayed in blessed kairos time for over 45 minutes (I don't even know how long I was there) it was wonderful. Kairos time is my favorite.On days when I stay in kairo too long (whatever "too" long is), chrono bullies me. Toilets don't get cleaned, supper becomes nachos and dip, laundry doesn't get folded. Chrono scolds me but I fight back. "Toilets will always need cleaning!" I snap, "baby will not always need rocking."
I used to feel guilty when the To Do list didn't get done, when chrono time kicked my butt. I used to let it bother me. But, now with little bean almost a year old and my mat leave soon to be over, I regret nothing. I revelled in it this last year. I had a ton of kairos time and I loved every single moment of it. I feel guilty for nothing. Every mother should be so lucky as to spend the amount of time in kairos as I did during this last year. That's the thing to remember when you become a parent, you may not love every single moment of the day (and most of those moments will overwhelm you) but those blessed kairos moments will make it all worth while. I know my kairos moments will be harder to come by. Chrono says that I will return to work, probably get pregnant and have a second baby, making my To Do list even longer and more demanding. Kairos moments may be harder to come by and may not last nearly as long but I will treasure them, just as much as I do now. Here's hoping you get some kairos of your own today.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html
In the article she explains the difference between chronological time and kairos time. Chronological time is the time that we live by. It is in chronological time that I wake with baby around 3 am and then again at 7am and sleepily breastfeed her before getting out of bed. It is in chronological time that I know I need to get the bed made and the dishwasher unloaded first thing, or it doesn't get done at all that day. In chrono time I know that if the baby goes down for a morning nap any later than 10:30, I am assured a meltdown. It is in chrono time that I know if I don't get that shower in while she naps, I won't get one at all. Chrono time tells me what time Sesame Street comes on, what time hubby gets home for lunch, what time the library, costco, bank, etc... closes. Chrono time tells me when I need to put baby down for her afternoon nap and how many hours/minutes I have to get my errands done so that I don't end up in the checkout line at walmart with a screaming baby. Chrono time tells me when I need to start supper, put in laundry, clean the floors before bed, etc... (and yes, thanks to a baby that likes to chase the pets, pull out their fur and throw her food around, I get to sweep, swiffer and mop the floors each and every night). Chrono time tells me when my mat leave is done and when I need to return to work. It is in chrono time that I hear "oh she isn't sleeping through the night yet?" and "aren't you worried she isn't crawling?" Chrono time is also the one that tells me I am constantly late and behind in all that I do.... As you can imagine, I am not such a fan of Chrono time.
I used to experience kairos time, but not nearly as often as I do now. For me, motherhood has made me much more appreciative and grateful. Kairos time is often referred to as God's time, a time when something special happens, time freezes, and the moments stretch out....
For me, kairos time often happens when I breastfeed little bean before her naps and before bed. And yes, sometimes it even happens at 3am. As much as I try to fit on my "To Do" list during the day (clean the garage, make an amazing 3 course meal for supper, take little bean on a 3 hour nature hike...etc...ha ha ha), when I breastfeed I am forced to sit alone with my baby in a quiet, dark room for at least a good 15mins while I put her down to sleep. After feeding and cleaning and crying and teething and playing and diaper changing.... all at once we are still and I get to just look down at her. I get to stare at her and really study her face, her father's long beautiful eyelashes, her tiny mouth, she has my little nose. I look down at her tiny hand wrapped around my thumb. She lets out a contented little sigh as my milk lets down and time freezes..... This tiny little being, growing bigger by the day... I look down and my heart bubbles over. She is all of the good in me and none of the bad. Every kind thing I have ever said, every compassionate act, every positive thought. So tiny and so small and wanting nothing but to love and be loved. Pure, simple... just love.
I stay in that moment for a while. 5 mins? 10 mins? maybe even 20? I don't know and it doesn't matter. Sometimes I force myself to put her in her crib and return to my To Do list, to chrono time. But, more often than not, I stay there, in kairos time. Yes sometimes I stay as long as 20 minutes, just sitting there, staring at her. Once I even stayed in blessed kairos time for over 45 minutes (I don't even know how long I was there) it was wonderful. Kairos time is my favorite.On days when I stay in kairo too long (whatever "too" long is), chrono bullies me. Toilets don't get cleaned, supper becomes nachos and dip, laundry doesn't get folded. Chrono scolds me but I fight back. "Toilets will always need cleaning!" I snap, "baby will not always need rocking."
I used to feel guilty when the To Do list didn't get done, when chrono time kicked my butt. I used to let it bother me. But, now with little bean almost a year old and my mat leave soon to be over, I regret nothing. I revelled in it this last year. I had a ton of kairos time and I loved every single moment of it. I feel guilty for nothing. Every mother should be so lucky as to spend the amount of time in kairos as I did during this last year. That's the thing to remember when you become a parent, you may not love every single moment of the day (and most of those moments will overwhelm you) but those blessed kairos moments will make it all worth while. I know my kairos moments will be harder to come by. Chrono says that I will return to work, probably get pregnant and have a second baby, making my To Do list even longer and more demanding. Kairos moments may be harder to come by and may not last nearly as long but I will treasure them, just as much as I do now. Here's hoping you get some kairos of your own today.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
The more you know...
Becoming a wife and then a mother was everything I thought it would be... and a little more. Well, to be honest, a LOT more lol! Just a fun, lighthearted little note about some of the things that I now know that I didn't before becoming a mom:
1. Your boobs may be attached to your body, but they are no longer your own. In fact, your husband and baby will have fights over who gets to spend the most time with them. The baby will always win, and the husband will complain of biased officiating.
2. You no longer sleep. You will foolishly think that you will be able to handle it no problem since you survived many a midterms or finals week with little or no sleep. You foolishly forgot that midterms and finals do come to an end.... parenthood does not.
3. You will do more laundry than you ever thought humanly possible. Seriously.... unheard of amounts of laundry.
4. You will buy all sizes of batteries in bulk at Costco often. And you will swear profusely each and every time you attempt to change the batteries in a toy or gadget. Seriously, babies can't work screwdrivers.... so why the hell do they have to make it so difficult to get into those things and change the batteries!!!
5. You will wake up and immediately go over your to do list for the day. It will include such things as: shower, blowdry hair, feed baby, put baby down for naps, eat breakfast, clean kitchen, buy groceries, see grandma, walk the dog, and make dinner. You will then pick 3 or 4 items from the list and spend the entire day trying to get them done. *note, it is not an option to not pick the feeding baby or putting baby down for naps.
6. Putting baby down for naps and at bedtime will take anywhere from 10 minutes to 2 hours. Plan accordingly.
7. You will attempt to talk about things other than your baby when you go out in public or have people over. You will fail miserably.
8. Everyone everywhere you go will tell you, in great detail, what they think you're doing wrong.
9. Old people love babies. Like, seriously. Any one over the age of 70 is crazy about a baby, as long as its not crying...
10. You can dress your daughter head to toe in pink ruffles... people will still ask you if she's a girl or boy.
11. You will, from time to time, be asked when the next one is due. You will have to contain yourself to keep from punching people occasionally.
12. You re-discover children's books, and it feels like coming home after a very long, long journey.
13. You no longer have to figure out what your priorities are.
14. You realize just how awesome sesame street really is, and sometimes find yourself watching it even after they have gone down for a nap.
and finally....
15. You look down at their tiny chest rise and fall as they are sleeping and realize you had absolutely no idea what love was until now.
1. Your boobs may be attached to your body, but they are no longer your own. In fact, your husband and baby will have fights over who gets to spend the most time with them. The baby will always win, and the husband will complain of biased officiating.
2. You no longer sleep. You will foolishly think that you will be able to handle it no problem since you survived many a midterms or finals week with little or no sleep. You foolishly forgot that midterms and finals do come to an end.... parenthood does not.
3. You will do more laundry than you ever thought humanly possible. Seriously.... unheard of amounts of laundry.
4. You will buy all sizes of batteries in bulk at Costco often. And you will swear profusely each and every time you attempt to change the batteries in a toy or gadget. Seriously, babies can't work screwdrivers.... so why the hell do they have to make it so difficult to get into those things and change the batteries!!!
5. You will wake up and immediately go over your to do list for the day. It will include such things as: shower, blowdry hair, feed baby, put baby down for naps, eat breakfast, clean kitchen, buy groceries, see grandma, walk the dog, and make dinner. You will then pick 3 or 4 items from the list and spend the entire day trying to get them done. *note, it is not an option to not pick the feeding baby or putting baby down for naps.
6. Putting baby down for naps and at bedtime will take anywhere from 10 minutes to 2 hours. Plan accordingly.
7. You will attempt to talk about things other than your baby when you go out in public or have people over. You will fail miserably.
8. Everyone everywhere you go will tell you, in great detail, what they think you're doing wrong.
9. Old people love babies. Like, seriously. Any one over the age of 70 is crazy about a baby, as long as its not crying...
10. You can dress your daughter head to toe in pink ruffles... people will still ask you if she's a girl or boy.
11. You will, from time to time, be asked when the next one is due. You will have to contain yourself to keep from punching people occasionally.
12. You re-discover children's books, and it feels like coming home after a very long, long journey.
13. You no longer have to figure out what your priorities are.
14. You realize just how awesome sesame street really is, and sometimes find yourself watching it even after they have gone down for a nap.
and finally....
15. You look down at their tiny chest rise and fall as they are sleeping and realize you had absolutely no idea what love was until now.
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