Kairos....

Just after I had my little bean a friend on facebook posted a wonderful article published on the Canadian Huffington Post website. It was a beautiful article, written by a mother of three young children, in which the author encourages fellow mothers of young children to not "carpe diem" as they are often told to do by well meaning older mothers with grown children. Instead, she encourages fellow mothers to take pleasure in those few, quiet moments during the day where one can truly appreciate motherhood, moments called "kairos time." below is the link for the article and I strongly suggest reading it:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html

In the article she explains the difference between chronological time and kairos time. Chronological time is the time that we live by. It is in chronological time that I wake with baby around 3 am and then again at 7am and sleepily breastfeed her before getting out of bed. It is in chronological time that I know I need to get the bed made and the dishwasher unloaded first thing, or it doesn't get done at all that day. In chrono time I know that if the baby goes down for a morning nap any later than 10:30, I am assured a meltdown. It is in chrono time that I know if I don't get that shower in while she naps, I won't get one at all. Chrono time tells me what time Sesame Street comes on, what time hubby gets home for lunch, what time the library, costco, bank, etc... closes. Chrono time tells me when I need to put baby down for her afternoon nap and how many hours/minutes I have to get my errands done so that I don't end up in the checkout line at walmart with a screaming baby. Chrono time tells me when I need to start supper, put in laundry, clean the floors before bed, etc... (and yes, thanks to a baby that likes to chase the pets, pull out their fur and throw her food around, I get to sweep, swiffer and mop the floors each and every night). Chrono time tells me when my mat leave is done and when I need to return to work. It is in chrono time that I hear "oh she isn't sleeping through the night yet?" and "aren't you worried she isn't crawling?" Chrono time is also the one that tells me I am constantly late and behind in all that I do....  As you can imagine, I am not such a fan of Chrono time.

I used to experience kairos time, but not nearly as often as I do now. For me, motherhood has made me much more appreciative and grateful. Kairos time is often referred to as God's time, a time when something special happens, time freezes, and the moments stretch out....

For me, kairos time often happens when I breastfeed little bean before her naps and before bed. And yes, sometimes it even happens at 3am. As much as I try to fit on my "To Do" list during the day (clean the garage, make an amazing 3 course meal for supper, take little bean on a 3 hour nature hike...etc...ha ha ha), when I breastfeed I am forced to sit alone with my baby in a quiet, dark room for at least a good 15mins while I put her down to sleep. After feeding and cleaning and crying and teething and playing and diaper changing.... all at once we are still and I get to just look down at her. I get to stare at her and really study her face, her father's long beautiful eyelashes, her tiny mouth, she has my little nose. I look down at her tiny hand wrapped around my thumb. She lets out a contented little sigh as my milk lets down and time freezes..... This tiny little being, growing bigger by the day... I look down and my heart bubbles over. She is all of the good in me and none of the bad. Every kind thing I have ever said, every compassionate act, every positive thought. So tiny and so small and wanting nothing but to love and be loved. Pure, simple... just love.

I stay in that moment for a while. 5 mins? 10 mins? maybe even 20? I don't know and it doesn't matter. Sometimes I force myself to put her in her crib and return to my To Do list, to chrono time. But, more often than not, I stay there, in kairos time. Yes sometimes I stay as long as 20 minutes, just sitting there, staring at her. Once I even stayed in blessed kairos time for over 45 minutes (I don't even know how long I was there) it was wonderful. Kairos time is my favorite.On days when I stay in kairo too long (whatever "too" long is), chrono bullies me. Toilets don't get cleaned, supper becomes nachos and dip, laundry doesn't get folded. Chrono scolds me but I fight back. "Toilets will always need cleaning!" I snap, "baby will not always need rocking."

I used to feel guilty when the To Do list didn't get done, when chrono time kicked my butt. I used to let it bother me. But, now with little bean almost a year old and my mat leave soon to be over, I regret nothing. I revelled in it this last year. I had a ton of kairos time and I loved every single moment of it. I feel guilty for nothing. Every mother should be so lucky as to spend the amount of time in kairos as I did during this last year. That's the thing to remember when you become a parent, you may not love every single moment of the day (and most of those moments will overwhelm you) but those blessed kairos moments will make it all worth while. I know my kairos moments will be harder to come by. Chrono says that I will return to work, probably get pregnant and have a second baby, making my To Do list even longer and more demanding. Kairos moments may be harder to come by and may not last nearly as long but I will treasure them, just as much as I do now. Here's hoping you get some kairos of your own today.