Kairos....

Just after I had my little bean a friend on facebook posted a wonderful article published on the Canadian Huffington Post website. It was a beautiful article, written by a mother of three young children, in which the author encourages fellow mothers of young children to not "carpe diem" as they are often told to do by well meaning older mothers with grown children. Instead, she encourages fellow mothers to take pleasure in those few, quiet moments during the day where one can truly appreciate motherhood, moments called "kairos time." below is the link for the article and I strongly suggest reading it:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html

In the article she explains the difference between chronological time and kairos time. Chronological time is the time that we live by. It is in chronological time that I wake with baby around 3 am and then again at 7am and sleepily breastfeed her before getting out of bed. It is in chronological time that I know I need to get the bed made and the dishwasher unloaded first thing, or it doesn't get done at all that day. In chrono time I know that if the baby goes down for a morning nap any later than 10:30, I am assured a meltdown. It is in chrono time that I know if I don't get that shower in while she naps, I won't get one at all. Chrono time tells me what time Sesame Street comes on, what time hubby gets home for lunch, what time the library, costco, bank, etc... closes. Chrono time tells me when I need to put baby down for her afternoon nap and how many hours/minutes I have to get my errands done so that I don't end up in the checkout line at walmart with a screaming baby. Chrono time tells me when I need to start supper, put in laundry, clean the floors before bed, etc... (and yes, thanks to a baby that likes to chase the pets, pull out their fur and throw her food around, I get to sweep, swiffer and mop the floors each and every night). Chrono time tells me when my mat leave is done and when I need to return to work. It is in chrono time that I hear "oh she isn't sleeping through the night yet?" and "aren't you worried she isn't crawling?" Chrono time is also the one that tells me I am constantly late and behind in all that I do....  As you can imagine, I am not such a fan of Chrono time.

I used to experience kairos time, but not nearly as often as I do now. For me, motherhood has made me much more appreciative and grateful. Kairos time is often referred to as God's time, a time when something special happens, time freezes, and the moments stretch out....

For me, kairos time often happens when I breastfeed little bean before her naps and before bed. And yes, sometimes it even happens at 3am. As much as I try to fit on my "To Do" list during the day (clean the garage, make an amazing 3 course meal for supper, take little bean on a 3 hour nature hike...etc...ha ha ha), when I breastfeed I am forced to sit alone with my baby in a quiet, dark room for at least a good 15mins while I put her down to sleep. After feeding and cleaning and crying and teething and playing and diaper changing.... all at once we are still and I get to just look down at her. I get to stare at her and really study her face, her father's long beautiful eyelashes, her tiny mouth, she has my little nose. I look down at her tiny hand wrapped around my thumb. She lets out a contented little sigh as my milk lets down and time freezes..... This tiny little being, growing bigger by the day... I look down and my heart bubbles over. She is all of the good in me and none of the bad. Every kind thing I have ever said, every compassionate act, every positive thought. So tiny and so small and wanting nothing but to love and be loved. Pure, simple... just love.

I stay in that moment for a while. 5 mins? 10 mins? maybe even 20? I don't know and it doesn't matter. Sometimes I force myself to put her in her crib and return to my To Do list, to chrono time. But, more often than not, I stay there, in kairos time. Yes sometimes I stay as long as 20 minutes, just sitting there, staring at her. Once I even stayed in blessed kairos time for over 45 minutes (I don't even know how long I was there) it was wonderful. Kairos time is my favorite.On days when I stay in kairo too long (whatever "too" long is), chrono bullies me. Toilets don't get cleaned, supper becomes nachos and dip, laundry doesn't get folded. Chrono scolds me but I fight back. "Toilets will always need cleaning!" I snap, "baby will not always need rocking."

I used to feel guilty when the To Do list didn't get done, when chrono time kicked my butt. I used to let it bother me. But, now with little bean almost a year old and my mat leave soon to be over, I regret nothing. I revelled in it this last year. I had a ton of kairos time and I loved every single moment of it. I feel guilty for nothing. Every mother should be so lucky as to spend the amount of time in kairos as I did during this last year. That's the thing to remember when you become a parent, you may not love every single moment of the day (and most of those moments will overwhelm you) but those blessed kairos moments will make it all worth while. I know my kairos moments will be harder to come by. Chrono says that I will return to work, probably get pregnant and have a second baby, making my To Do list even longer and more demanding. Kairos moments may be harder to come by and may not last nearly as long but I will treasure them, just as much as I do now. Here's hoping you get some kairos of your own today.

The more you know...

Becoming a wife and then a mother was everything I thought it would be... and a little more. Well, to be honest, a LOT more lol! Just a fun, lighthearted little note about some of the things that I now know that I didn't before becoming a mom:

1. Your boobs may be attached to your body, but they are no longer your own. In fact, your husband and baby will have fights over who gets to spend the most time with them. The baby will always win, and the husband will complain of biased officiating.

2. You no longer sleep. You will foolishly think that you will be able to handle it no problem since you survived many a midterms or finals week with little or no sleep. You foolishly forgot that midterms and finals do come to an end.... parenthood does not.

3. You will do more laundry than you ever thought humanly possible. Seriously.... unheard of amounts of laundry.

4. You will buy all sizes of batteries in bulk at Costco often. And you will swear profusely each and every time you attempt to change the batteries in a toy or gadget. Seriously, babies can't work screwdrivers.... so why the hell do they have to make it so difficult to get into those things and change the batteries!!!

5. You will wake up and immediately go over your to do list for the day. It will include such things as: shower, blowdry hair, feed baby, put baby down for naps, eat breakfast, clean kitchen, buy groceries, see grandma, walk the dog, and make dinner. You will then pick 3 or 4 items from the list and spend the entire day trying to get them done. *note, it is not an option to not pick the feeding baby or putting baby down for naps.

6. Putting baby down for naps and at bedtime will take anywhere from 10 minutes to 2 hours. Plan accordingly.

7. You will attempt to talk about things other than your baby when you go out in public or have people over. You will fail miserably.

8. Everyone everywhere you go will tell you, in great detail, what they think you're doing wrong.

9. Old people love babies. Like, seriously. Any one over the age of 70 is crazy about a baby, as long as its not crying...

10. You can dress your daughter head to toe in pink ruffles... people will still ask you if she's a girl or boy.

11. You will, from time to time, be asked when the next one is due. You will have to contain yourself to keep from punching people occasionally.

12. You re-discover children's books, and it feels like coming home after a very long, long journey.

13. You no longer have to figure out what your priorities are.

14. You realize just how awesome sesame street really is, and sometimes find yourself watching it even after they have gone down for a nap.

and finally....

15. You look down at their tiny chest rise and fall as they are sleeping and realize you had absolutely no idea what love was until now.

10 Things...

10 Things I Want to Teach my Daughter Before she Turns 10....

I recently saw a couple of these, and enjoyed them very much, links below
http://blogs.babble.com/toddler-times/2012/07/18/10-things-i-want-my-daughter-to-know/?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=babbleeditors&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=post#i-will-always-be-there-for-you-no-matter-what
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lindsey-mead-russell/ten-things-ten-years-olds-should-know_b_1553134.html
I felt inspired to write one of my own. Below is my list of the top 10 things I hope my daughter learns by the time she turns 10....

1. You are absolutely beautiful. Exquisite. There has never been anyone before who looks exactly like you and there never will be again.

2. Ignore anyone or anything that tries to tell you differently. Be proud of your body and who you are in your own skin. Relish that you look the way you do and don't compare yourself to anyone else. If anyone ever tries making you feel badly about the curve of your leg or the crook of your nose, ditch them. Ditch them fast. Never waste your time with anyone who wants to make you feel badly about your god-given appearance.

3. Please please please don't hurry into wearing make-up and short skirts. You are about to enter junior high and it is a whole different world than the one you will be used to. Please don't ever try to compete with older girls. I know it is incredibly intoxicating to begin to get attention from boys but please, there is so much more to your life than that. Trust me, you will one day get more than enough attention, don't be in a hurry to start getting it as soon as you can.

4. I know you will start to become restless and want to grow up as fast as you can but try as hard as you can  to live and enjoy the now. I know you will feel ugly and awkward and foolish from time to time, but growing up fast won't make you feel any more pretty, graceful or smart... trust me. Childhood is far to short, and you will soon find yourself 23 years old and wishing for the wistful days when you were just 11.... 


5. You are at a magical age right now, please appreciate it. You are old enough and smart enough to begin developing your own opinions and ideals without yet being jaded or tarnished by outside crap (boys, society, your parents, etc...). Hold on to these ideals as long as you possibly can, preferably forever. 


6. Write down all of your ideas and aspirations. Always write. Pour your heart into a journal. Write down every thought, idea, opinion and ideal you have in your head. One day you will enjoy reading these. 


7. You are old enough and smart enough to know what is right and wrong in most situations. Always trust your gut. If something doesn't feel right to you, or you think something is wrong, have the confidence to stick to your beliefs and act accordingly. Don't be afraid to stand up to anyone, even if they are an adult. If you really can't decide what to do in a certain situation, or if you need help dealing with something, please know that you can come to me. I may fail from time to time, but I promise I will try my absolute hardest not to pass judgments or jump to conclusions if you come to me with a problem. I will treasure that you feel you can open up to me.

8. Know that I understand you are human, just as I am. You will make mistakes from time to time, its part of growing up. I may sometimes be hurt, angry, or disappointed in your actions, but it will never change the way I feel about you. 


9. Compassion and empathy are everything. As often as you can, try to widen your viewpoint and consider things from someone else's point of view. You don't need to be a doormat for people, but being open to other points of view is a skill that will take you far in this world. 


10. I will always, without question, be there for you. I am proud to have you as my daughter and nothing will ever change that. The day I gave birth to you was, without question, the greatest day of my life. Please know that you can never screw anything up so badly that I would turn away from you. I love you without limitations or stipulations. As long as there is a breath in my body I will love you and be there for you, no matter what. So please, please never feel that you are unloved or un-loveable, because frankly my dear, you are already loved more than you can possibly imagine. 

Happiness is....

My mornings usually go something like this: little bean wakes up in the early morning hours and I bring her into our bed to feed her and coax her into a couple more hours of sleep. My husband is not such a fan of this, as by the time we wake up, little bean has turned sideways, snuggling her face into mine (though sometimes she pulls my hair!) and placing one or both feet directly onto my husband's throat and face. She kicks in her sleep, you get the idea... One time he even woke up to her grabbing his lower lip with both hands and very enthusiastically pulling down with all her might. But she sighs and snores in her sleep making the sweetest little sounds I have ever heard, so I feel all should be forgiven. Sometime in the night the dog and the cat both make their way onto the bed as well. We must feel generous in our sleep because both the husband and myself end up contorting ourselves into some weird "S" shape while we sleep in order to accommodate both of our fur babies at the bottom of the bed. Occasionally we will wake up and it will dawn on us, "Hey, this is OUR bed!" and make them go and use the two pet beds we have, only to wake up an hour later back at square one. And so it goes, we wake up, contorted into "S" shapes, being kicked in the throat and having our already thinning hair being pulled out. And I love it.... To me, happiness is waking up to a completely overcrowded bed each morning.

Many people think I am crazy. Some are probably horrified that I bring our baby into bed with us, especially with our pets. Everyone is allowed their opinion, and this happens to be mine. There is something wonderful about a family bed, something that doesn't happen during the business of the day, something that I can only really appreciate in the still, quiet hours of the day. 

 Sometimes I get so busy during the day that I forget to appreciate that all of these wonderful beings are HERE! They are here with me, everyday. How lucky am I, that I have all 4 of them. For a long time (well, really only about 7 years) I began to think that I wouldn't have this in my life. A series of failed relationships in my 20's had me convinced that the "family" life was something unattainable for me, and I best devote my time and energy to other things. I began to focus on school and career, thinking if I became successful enough I would be able to adopt one day and build the life that had eluded me. As it often happens, God had other plans for me while I was busy making my plans, and delivered to me everything I had ever dreamed of laying alone at night in a spacious bed, just me and my cat. 

So in the early morning hours, when I wake up because a cat or dog has just perched himself on my feet, or a little baby has rolled over and nuzzled in looking for my breast, or my husband starts snoring.... I smile. I smile and say a little prayer of gratitude that I am this lucky. "You should get a King bed!" I often hear people say, "We should get a California King!" my husband will say... not a chance... :)

Crazy New Mommies...

Something that has been on my mind since my daughter was born is the fact that my husband and I decided not to put her name or face on Facebook. Well, that hasn't really been on my mind so much as the reaction that we got. We have a few photos of her up, none where you can get a really good look at her face, but there are a couple that are side profile. There are enough on our pages that friends and family we don't see often can tell we've had a kid, which we thought was well enough. For some however, it's not. Reactions have ranged from "I think its nice that you don't have a ton of photos up!" to "Why can't I see her face!" to my favorite, rumors of a possible disability or facial deformity. What bothered me was that some people thought the only reason I wouldn't plaster photos of my daughter all over Facebook was because I was ashamed of her in some way. For the record, I love my baby, and if I was into putting pictures of her all over Facebook, no almond-shaped eye or cleft-palate would keep me from doing so. I think its wonderful to see photos of all kinds of blessed little creatures, we just decided to keep our one blessed little creature off Facebook for our own reasons. Because this has been on my mind from time to time (and has been questioned of me from time to time as well), I began to really notice other people's kids on Facebook a lot more. Some kids I started seeing A LOT more..... and so I began to wonder if there is a test one can do to establish whether or not one has become a "Crazy New Mommy."  And by "Crazy New Mommy" I am referring to the obviously clinical diagnosis of pushing one's children on others using the social medium that is Facebook. Below is my best, most official shot at a questionnaire for just such an occasion. Answer yes or no to the following questions and then tally your score.

1. Do your status updates frequently include both size and color of bowel movements? Yes or No

2. Do you think that you are the only woman that has ever given birth? Yes or No

3. Do you believe that your baby is, without question, the smartest child that has ever existed? Yes or No

4. Do you often list your child's developmental milestones as your Facebook status, careful to point out that your child is weeks ahead of the timeline laid out for you by the health nurse? Yes or No

5. Do you feel the need to point out to other parents how obviously behind their child is developmentally in comparison to yours? Yes or No

6. Do you often feel the need to explain to other parents how to get their child to sleep through the night, as yours has been doing it since birth? Yes or No

7. Is your child the most beautiful creature that has ever existed? Yes or No

8. Is it your duty to take as many photos of said beautiful creature as humanly possible?  Yes or No

9. If your child is less than 3 months old, do you have more than 200 photos of said child on your Facebook profile? Yes or No

10. If your child is between 3 months and 5 years, do you have more than 1000 photos of said child on your  Facebook profile? Yes or No

11. Do the photo explanations on your Facebook albums include things such as "first time walking on pavement" and "finding a piece of lint on the carpet?" Yes or No

12. Do you often criticize the parenting style of anyone who has chosen a different parenting style than the one you have chosen?  Yes or No

13. Do you often make these criticisms publicly over Facebook or some other form of social media? Yes or No

14. Do you have one child less than 12 months but often impart your vast knowledge of child-raising on anyone with 3 or more children of various ages? Yes or No

15. Are you currently disagreeing with this post and most of the items in this list? Yes or No

If you answered Yes to 6 or more questions, chances are you could be a crazy new mommy..... I myself squeaked in at 5.... Whew!

Shorty shorts to Mom Jeans... The Journey Continues

While out on date night a while ago I was taken aback by a pretty young girl wearing shorts that were short enough she could have caught herpes if she sat down in the wrong place. I made the mistake of saying to Hubby "I wonder if I would wear shorts like that if I had the legs," to which he replied... "don't kid yourself... of course you would!" While I realize he's probably right, if it wasn't for my collection of spider veins and cellulite I would probably still be dressing a little inappropriate, I hope that the "I'm someone's mother" inner voice would over-ride it. Anyone who knew me in my late teens and early twenties may remember, among other outfits, the gold, skin-tight tiger print dress I used to wear on formal nights on the ships or the day I wore a handkerchief as a shirt in grade 12 (yes, you read that correctly). I have to say though that the normal bit of weight gain that comes with getting older and having a baby has changed how I dress, but I am hoping so too has the realization that I am 30 and can in NO WAY get away with wearing what my 16-year-old self would wear. When I started really thinking about it, I guess that most of the changes to my wardrobe have been slowly creeping up on me:

- I buy clothes at Costco now, I'm not too sure when this happened, but I love them. 16-year-old me would be disgusted by this... 

- I am one set of pleats away from mom jeans. The other day I bought a pair of jean capris at Costco and was delighted when I brought them home and found that they fit perfectly, just how I wanted them to. I was less delighted however, when I saw the tag that said "tummy control." What does that really mean anyway? Since when does my tummy need controlling? My temper maybe, but not my tummy....

- The first time I saw the commercial for Pajama Jeans I immediately thought "what a great idea!"

- I routinely argue with my husband that Jeggings are not Pajama jeans... He thinks I'm in denial, I think he needs a smack.

-If I can't breastfeed while wearing it, I don't wear it. It's too much work, especially when your boobs change size hourly. (seriously not an exaggeration)

- I used to have "bar" cleavage and "normal" cleavage.... Now I have "normal" cleavage and "church" cleavage. (it is funny, how after years of pushing and stuffing those puppies up, you find yourself trying to strap down some outta control nursing boobies...)

- I used to stuff my bra with everything from sweat socks to "chicken cutlets".... Now I stuff them with little pads of absorbent material. I basically walk around with maxi pads or panty liners in my bra at all times.... nursing is fun. 

-I used to just have sweatpants. Now I separate them into regular, wear-around-the-house sweatpants and nice, wear-to-Costco sweatpants (otherwise known as Lululemons) 

-I used to buy my underwear at stores that only sold undergarments, and they would nicely wrap the pretty, lacey things in tissue paper. Now I buy my underwear in the same store I can buy motor oil... and the plastic package of 5 white ones and 5 beige ones is a thing of beauty. If I'm feeling REALLY sassy then I'll get the package of black ones... 

- When reminded and sometimes encouraged by my husband to wear some of the clothes I used to wear just 3 or 4 years ago, I find myself replying with "I can't wear that now! I'm someone's MOTHER!!!" 

The "Baby Weight" Conversation

Tonight I come to you a particularly distressed mommy. It's not because my little bean seems to be crying more than usual (though she is) and it's not because I have an ungodly amount of laundry to do (though I do)... it's because of a particularly distressing article that I ended up seeing and unfortunately reading on the yahoo website. After a long day and a lot of  baby crying, I decided to sit down at the computer with a bevy after finally getting little bean to sleep. A sort of "mommy recharge time" if you will. I happened upon an article and once I read it, I found myself stunned, angry, sad, and confused. For anyone interested, here is the article in question:
http://ca.omg.yahoo.com/blogs/celebrity-broods/bollywood-star-aishwarya-rai-blasted-not-losing-baby-165259898.html

Words cannot express my feelings right now. As someone who had always felt less than confident with my physical appearance, pregnancy and motherhood has been a sort of safe-haven for me, or at least... it was. Pregnancy and breastfeeding allowed me to have a perspective on my body that I had never had before. Not only was I able to grow a beloved little person inside of me, but I could also bring her into this world and then feed her. I never knew how amazing my body was before and I started to appreciate it like never before. That and I suddenly had an amazing rack. My perfectionist mindset also changed a lot. My inner dialogue was NICE for a change, actually, it was nice for the first time ever. The pressure was finally off. No matter how I looked in comparison to other girls it didn't matter because "I just had a baby!"

And now a garbage article on some website somewhere has me questioning my new-found confidence. So I questioned this, why, WHY is some stupid article getting to me? The more I thought about it the more it dawned on me, I hear this conversation every day. How many times have you heard your mother, your sister, your friend, your mother-in-law etc.... make a comment about another woman's post-baby appearance? Probably pretty often. The truth is, the conversation that is going on in the article is one that happens in our everyday lives too, not just in Hollywood. How many times have you heard someone make comments about their own or someone else's appearance after they have had a baby? We notice (and all too often make comments to others) when someone gains more (or less) than the "standard" 25 to 30lbs during pregnancy. We notice how quickly or slowly those extra pounds come off.... we most certainly notice if they stay indefinitely. We notice when bra size changes and when excess "baby tummy" goes away. If someone looses the weight quickly we tout them as some kind of super mommy and want to know their secret. If someone doesn't loose the weight quickly or at all there is a kind of "join the club" mentality. An attitude of "ha ha silly girl... did you think you were going to look cute forever? Give up! Your a mommy now!" And if you gain quite a lot of weight and are failing to loose it quickly, god help you. You must be a lazy person, content to sit on the couch watching your baby jump away in the jolly jumper.

What is it that makes us put so much importance on a woman's appearance? Now not only do you have to be a superwoman, with a clean house and a clean, happy baby (impossible). Not only do you need to squeeze into those lululemons and cart your baby off to mommy and me yoga 2 days after giving birth, you have to look good doing it. No no no... you can't do mommy and me yoga and loose the weight eventually, you have to SHOW UP starting the class looking good. You should pretty much be able to walk out of the hospital wearing your pre-baby jeans. If not, you must have failed as a woman.

I guess the point of this rant was just to get us all thinking. To at least question why we have these conversations and hopefully, to question if we want to continue them. I for one will be defending the next woman I hear being criticized for not "loosing the baby weight fast enough." Friend, family or celebrity it doesn't matter. When you stand up for one new mommy and halt the conversation, you stand up for us all. And if anyone needs back up, it's us sleep-deprived new mommies....