I'm one of those people who likes to try to deal with things by using humor when I can. If you have read any of my other posts you will (hopefully) note a hint of sarcasm and wit from time to time. I'm afraid this post will probably provide none of those. None the less, I feel as though I am in a situation where I can provide some information, useful information for once, and so I feel compelled to share. I often feel as though I am on the cusp of adulthood. I mean real adulthood, not "I'm 18! I'm an adult!" adulthood. As I type this I am sitting beside a little girl eating rice crispies in her highchair. Every now and then she will lean over and wipe a sticky hand on my knee leaving tiny, sticky milk hand prints. After I finish my decafe coffee my day will be filled with online bill paying, laundry, diaper changes and such. But, just 4 short years ago, I was simultaneously balancing waitressing, drinking my face off on weekends, and finishing a degree. The only one I had to take care of was myself and my cat, and we lived in a basement suite that was about the size of my current livingroom. In my free time I would hang out with friends and discuss the problems of the world, theology, zombie attacks, the idiots we liked to date... you name it. Now in my free time I hang out with other mommies and their kids and we discuss how much we love our slow cookers.... You get the idea.
My point is this, I remember being single. I remember being kidless. It was only 4 short years ago and I remember how much I didn't know about this kind of life. It would piss me off when someone would say that their kid was 24 months instead of 2. When I saw a kid with one of those backpack leashes on, I judged the hell out of that parent. Now that I am immersed in it, I understand that I was making judgments on something that I knew nothing about. Little information + judgmental attitude = difficult time for all involved. The purpose of this post was to share a little information on something that I once had opinions on but no actual experience with. A touchy, little-talked about subject. Miscarriage.
If you are one of a few close friends and family who are reading this then you already know that, unfortunately, my husband and I lost a pregnancy about a week and a half ago. I was a couple months in. It was a pretty typical experience, something was probably off on a chromosomal level, my body knew this and thus, nature took its course. There was nothing my husband or I could have done to prevent it, it is just a part of life for many families. Statistics tell us that about 1 in 5 known pregnancies will end in a miscarriage, usually in the first 3 months. If you are reading this and are a woman with 2 or more kids then, chances are, you probably experienced at least one miscarriage at some point in your life.
If you have no experience on this subject, please help yourself to some of mine. I often feel as though my daughter has made me a much better person, as she has taught me so much in only 14 months. I am humbled when I realize that, though the little one that grew in my tummy for 8 weeks was only around for a short time, he/she has managed to do the same. Because of that pregnancy and that experience, I learned a lot and am a better person. Here is what that little bean in my belly taught me:
1. There is no right way to deal with the loss of a pregnancy. Some women will feel relief that their body knew something was wrong and acted accordingly, other women will tearfully recall a miscarriage that occurred 40 years ago. Neither of these is wrong, nor is any reaction on the spectrum in between the two. Every woman is different. Some start buying baby things and begin celebrating the moment they see those 2 pink lines on the home pregnancy test, others don't feel any attachment until the baby is placed in their arms after birth. Don't assume that your experience or your partner's experience will be the same as everyone else's. It will be what it is.
2. If someone is grieving a miscarriage, try not to judge it. Try not to judge how and why they should grieve, or how long they should grieve. Miscarriages are a complicated experience for a lot of women. Usually, when someone you love dies, it is very socially acceptable to grieve. Other people also have memories or even photos and videos of the two of you together. If you mother or brother dies, you grieve the person that you lost and you grieve all the future memories you will no longer make. In a miscarriage, you are grieving someone that you have not even met. You are grieving the possibility of that person, of the life and all the memories that were to come. It is difficult because no one else even met that person, not even you. There are no pictures, no videos, not even any memories. Just the endless possibilities that are no longer there. Imagine trying to grieve the loss of someone dear to you, someone that no one else even knows existed. Complicated....
3. Going along with #2, be sensitive to the fact that for a lot of women, even though they hadn't yet met that baby, they loved him/her. When you love someone, you grieve the loss of that individual. Simple as that. You wouldn't be insensitive to someone that just lost a family member, and for many women, they count that pregnancy as a family member. Not all women, but some do. Again, there is no right or wrong way to deal with a miscarriage, you can only take it as it comes.
4. "Not Viable" is a term that gets passed around a lot. In the case of mine, it was not a viable pregnancy. Again, this is a hard one to hear. Keep in mind that, for many women, just because the baby was not viable to survive in this world, does not mean that he/she is not viable to live in our hearts. Unless you are a medical doctor, avoid using this term.
5. "You'll have more children".... again, avoid saying this. It is good to be positive, but it may not be something that the woman wants to hear right away. Besides the fact that sometimes a miscarriage can do a number on a woman's body, sometimes leaving them unable to have more children, it trivializes the current situation. Without knowing the woman's full past, present and future medical information (which no one except big guns upstairs has access to), avoid this one. No one knows what the future holds, and she will only know how she feels right now. Many women have avoided trying to have more children after a miscarriage, as the experience was just too painful.
6. "You can always adopt..." Again, not something you want to hear after just experiencing a miscarriage. I am all for adoption, but I also understand that I can't just walk into an adoption center tomorrow and leave with a baby. Understand that adoption often takes years and can cost thousands of dollars. Being blasé about the whole thing and flippantly telling them to just adopt is not helping an already sensitive situation.
7. "Well, at least you have your other kid(s)"... ouch.... This is such a double edged sword. I do fully believe that my daughter has helped me through this experience, more so than anyone else. I am grateful everyday that I have her. I had an ultrasound the day before my miscarriage and found that there was no heartbeat, and would inevitably lose the pregnancy soon. I came home to a smiling 14 month old, sitting in her high chair eating breakfast with dad. I can't imagine coming home to a silent house. It would have been unbearable. My heart aches for the women who try for years to get pregnant and then have a miscarriage. In saying that, I have a friend with 4 children who experienced a miscarriage during her 5th pregnancy. I can honestly say that she experienced just as much pain as I did, if not more. No matter how many children you may or may not have, if you want a baby.... then YOU WANT THAT BABY. If you have other children, doesn't make that baby any less loved or any less wanted. Try to keep that in mind. It's really easy to make comments about "fate" or the "overpopulation of society" or how certain people "just shouldn't have kids" when it's not you.
8. "I guess it just wasn't meant to be..." Do. Not. Say. This. Ever.
9. Hormones. Dear god the hormones. Your body is a physiological mess for a little bit, it feels like it doesn't know if its pregnant or not (which is really, exactly what's happening). If a family member or coworker or some one you know has experienced a miscarriage recently, go easy on them. They may calmly talk about the experience in detail with someone one minute, and then burst into tears 20 minutes later when someone walks up and says hello to them. If they are acting like a crazy person, well... it's because they probably feel like a crazy person. The experience of a miscarriage can range from mild to extreme, both emotionally and physiologically. Again, never assume that you know what someone is going through.
10. In a conversation I had the other day with one of the ministers at my church, he said something that made a lot of sense to me. He told me that the two most spiritually powerful experiences that an individual can experience is the birth of a new life and the death of a life. Miscarriage/Stillbirth is the only time you simultaneously experience both of those. A new life is over before it has had the chance to really begin. Again, keep this in mind if someone you know is going through this experience. If they seem like a crazy person who is having life-changing epiphanies every 10 minutes, followed by 2 days of weeping... well, its because they are going through a lot. That and the hormones....
So Cristina, what the hell do I say? The best thing? Just saying "I wish I knew what to say." For me, there is something incredibly comforting in knowing that someone understands the gravity of the situation, they don't want to trivialize anything, they just want to comfort me but can't. I know that sounds complicated, but it's just about knowing that people care about you, they care about what you are going through, and they aren't going to spit out some token advice and then move on. They recognize that they can't do a thing to help you, even though they want to. It's actually a lot like what a miscarriage feels like emotionally, knowing that there is not a thing you can do to save the pregnancy, even though you want to. You just have to let time take over and take it day by day. The other thing that helped a lot was hugs from other women, various ages, who simply said "I understand." No judgments from them, no comparison about whose miscarriage was worse and who handled it better, just a simple hug and an "I understand." It also helped me just to talk about it with other women. To hear all of our collective experiences and how we've all dealt with it differently. That approach may not work for everyone, but it really made a difference for me.
So, if you are a kidless person by choice or someone with kids who just has never experienced this and who didn't quite understand the complexity of a miscarriage, my hope is that I shed a little light on it for you. And if you are a women who knows what I am talking about, if you need it, here is my Hug and my "I understand." xo
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Bullies... and Balls....
A really hot topic in the news right now is bullying. It seems that everyone everywhere is against it and countless celebrities are speaking out against it. An amazing video of a news anchor went viral after she stood up against a hurtful email written by a viewer who criticized her body size.(watch the video here, I highly suggest you do! http://www.upworthy.com/bully-calls-news-anchor-fat-news-anchor-destroys-him-on-live-tv ) Some people feel that bullying is a part of growing up and we are turning our kids into softies if we try to keep them from ever being bullied. I for one believe that you can grow into a perfectly fine, motivated, driven person without ever having been bullied, but that's another post...
What I think is more of a concern is why do kids bully in the first place? If you could (hypothetically) put a bunch of small children (think 2 years old) alone on a deserted island (assuming they could take care of themselves)... would they, without any influence from anyone, begin to bully each other as they grew up? If they all had the exact same life experiences, no one who bullied because they had a "difficult home life" or who were "insecure".... would they naturally begin to bully each other? It is an interesting thought. Though I know we are naturally inclined to have a certain amount of competitiveness, I for one believe that bullying is taught. I don't believe that kids naturally want to treat each other cruelly. If the behavior was not modeled for them, then they wouldn't learn how to do it. (I also believe that the same "learning through modeling" theory is true for girls learning to dislike their physical appearance, but that again is another post and probably a dissertation) I digress....
A few things have been in the news lately that have really caught my attention. Both Lady Ga Ga and Christina Aguilera have been dragged through the muck because of their weight gain. Keep in mind that neither of these ladies could possibly qualify as overweight by a doctor's standards, nor has their weight gain affected their singing ability. But apparently you need to be a size 0 to sing well... be sure to tell that to Aretha Franklin. What really impressed me was that Lady Ga Ga decided to not only stand up for herself and speak out on her experiences with disordered eating, but she posted photos of herself in her underwear as a way to encourage others to "embrace their flaws." The woman freakin' posed in her underwear after being criticized for gaining weight... whatever your feelings on Ga Ga, one thing can be certain... she's got balls.
(see photos here http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/09/26/ralph-lauren-plus-size-model-robyn-lawley-i-m-proud-of-my-body.html )
What makes me somewhat sad is that I for one think that Ga Ga looks beautiful in these photos, not overweight at all! She may not be a size 0, but I think her body looks rockin! So there in lies the problem, if this woman, looking like this, is being criticized for how she looks, what chance do I have? Every time I hear someone criticize a celebrity or even a regular person for how they look, a small part of me panics. Mentally I look at the body being criticized and immediately compare it to my own. The inner dialogue kicks in: "am I smaller or bigger than her? Do I have more cellulite than her? Oh no, I have lots of cellulite and she doesn't have any! I better never let anyone see me naked. Oh god you think she has big thighs!? I can't even imagine what you say about my thighs when I'm not around... I really should start running... " etc.....
And this really is the problem. Little girls grow up hearing the women in their lives talk about how much they hate their own bodies. Little girls hear women nit pick about their cellulite and their baby weight, then they go on to hear about how some celebrity gained 70lbs during pregnancy and can't get it off. Teenagers watch a show with their mom and hear their mother make comments about how a certain actress can't get away with wearing a certain style of dress because they have gotten too "hippy"... then they go grocery shopping and watch mom or grandma buy the magazines with headlines like "Hollywood's 10 worst bikini bodies".....
Bullying really is taught. Especially for us girls. We are taught how to bully ourselves and how to bully others. It becomes so easy that it is like second nature for us to judge others and hate our own appearance. And so, in an attempt to be as ballsy as Ga Ga.....
Yup, here I am in a bikini. My daughter is turning a year old on Sunday and you know what? Even two years ago I never would have had the guts to do something like this. But something about becoming a mommy has made me a little more feisty than before...
So here it is, my body, in all its imperfectness. Thighs too big to be considered TV worthy. Cellulite from butt cheek to ankles, and even some creeping up on the backs of my arms. Stretch marks from my teenage growth spurt, and little scars on my stomach from a gallbladder surgery. A little hint of a tummy where a 6 pack once was. Pale legs and torso from lack of sun and tanning beds... Boobs too small to be considered for the cover of Maxim... etc... etc.. etc... I could go on, and I'm sure many other people could as well.
But here's the thing... none of that really matters. No, really! As much as I panic every time I hear someone criticizing someone else's body, as much as I panic and wonder what they must then think of MY body... my physical
faults really don't matter.
Here is what does...
My thighs may be "too big" and covered in cellulite, but I have a brother who has been wheelchair bound since birth and I'm sure he would gladly trade legs with me any day. My arms may have cellulite on them, but they pick up a smiling baby from her crib every morning and hug her father often.
That little bit of a tummy and lack of 6 pack is the place where that baby grew for nearly 10 months before coming into this world and forever changing my life.
My skin is pale in places because I don't have time to lounge out in the sun anymore, I'm busy keeping a home and raising a human. And tanning beds? Well, skin cancer doesn't seem so fun anymore...
And those boobs have been able to feed a beautiful, healthy baby for the last year. They may not be impressive to a lot of people, but my baby thinks they are the greatest things ever!
So there it is. Keep in mind that every BODY has a story. Every BODY has been through things, good and bad. When you reduce people to their mere physical appearance, or pick apart how they look, you are ignoring the STORY that is their life. Yes, even celebrities are real people who have gone through life and had experiences. Since you don't know every single detail of a stranger's, friend's or celebrity's life... maybe you should think twice before commenting on their body. You have no way of knowing what that BODY has been through.
So there it is, my rant for the day. My husband is reminding me that this is ironic since I made a comment on facebook today about "Whores" at Halloween and their lack of clothing. So I guess here I am, just in time for Halloween, with my complete lack of clothing.
Though I never criticize their body size, only their lack of clothing, I may need to re-think my views of certain girls at Halloween. If I don't want to be bullied for my clothing size, I best not bully anyone else for their taste in Halloween costumes. Does it really make a difference to me if someone wants to wear a headband as a skirt? Is there a difference between someone wearing a bra out to the bar and me posting a photo of myself in a bikini? More food for thought I guess.... One thing is for sure, my daughter will never, ever find a magazine in this house with a headline discussing a celebrity's weight. Nor will she ever hear me lament on my baby weight... that little tummy means that I have a little person in my life, blessed am I :)
What I think is more of a concern is why do kids bully in the first place? If you could (hypothetically) put a bunch of small children (think 2 years old) alone on a deserted island (assuming they could take care of themselves)... would they, without any influence from anyone, begin to bully each other as they grew up? If they all had the exact same life experiences, no one who bullied because they had a "difficult home life" or who were "insecure".... would they naturally begin to bully each other? It is an interesting thought. Though I know we are naturally inclined to have a certain amount of competitiveness, I for one believe that bullying is taught. I don't believe that kids naturally want to treat each other cruelly. If the behavior was not modeled for them, then they wouldn't learn how to do it. (I also believe that the same "learning through modeling" theory is true for girls learning to dislike their physical appearance, but that again is another post and probably a dissertation) I digress....
A few things have been in the news lately that have really caught my attention. Both Lady Ga Ga and Christina Aguilera have been dragged through the muck because of their weight gain. Keep in mind that neither of these ladies could possibly qualify as overweight by a doctor's standards, nor has their weight gain affected their singing ability. But apparently you need to be a size 0 to sing well... be sure to tell that to Aretha Franklin. What really impressed me was that Lady Ga Ga decided to not only stand up for herself and speak out on her experiences with disordered eating, but she posted photos of herself in her underwear as a way to encourage others to "embrace their flaws." The woman freakin' posed in her underwear after being criticized for gaining weight... whatever your feelings on Ga Ga, one thing can be certain... she's got balls.
(see photos here http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/09/26/ralph-lauren-plus-size-model-robyn-lawley-i-m-proud-of-my-body.html )
What makes me somewhat sad is that I for one think that Ga Ga looks beautiful in these photos, not overweight at all! She may not be a size 0, but I think her body looks rockin! So there in lies the problem, if this woman, looking like this, is being criticized for how she looks, what chance do I have? Every time I hear someone criticize a celebrity or even a regular person for how they look, a small part of me panics. Mentally I look at the body being criticized and immediately compare it to my own. The inner dialogue kicks in: "am I smaller or bigger than her? Do I have more cellulite than her? Oh no, I have lots of cellulite and she doesn't have any! I better never let anyone see me naked. Oh god you think she has big thighs!? I can't even imagine what you say about my thighs when I'm not around... I really should start running... " etc.....
And this really is the problem. Little girls grow up hearing the women in their lives talk about how much they hate their own bodies. Little girls hear women nit pick about their cellulite and their baby weight, then they go on to hear about how some celebrity gained 70lbs during pregnancy and can't get it off. Teenagers watch a show with their mom and hear their mother make comments about how a certain actress can't get away with wearing a certain style of dress because they have gotten too "hippy"... then they go grocery shopping and watch mom or grandma buy the magazines with headlines like "Hollywood's 10 worst bikini bodies".....
Bullying really is taught. Especially for us girls. We are taught how to bully ourselves and how to bully others. It becomes so easy that it is like second nature for us to judge others and hate our own appearance. And so, in an attempt to be as ballsy as Ga Ga.....
So here it is, my body, in all its imperfectness. Thighs too big to be considered TV worthy. Cellulite from butt cheek to ankles, and even some creeping up on the backs of my arms. Stretch marks from my teenage growth spurt, and little scars on my stomach from a gallbladder surgery. A little hint of a tummy where a 6 pack once was. Pale legs and torso from lack of sun and tanning beds... Boobs too small to be considered for the cover of Maxim... etc... etc.. etc... I could go on, and I'm sure many other people could as well.
But here's the thing... none of that really matters. No, really! As much as I panic every time I hear someone criticizing someone else's body, as much as I panic and wonder what they must then think of MY body... my physical
faults really don't matter.Here is what does...
My thighs may be "too big" and covered in cellulite, but I have a brother who has been wheelchair bound since birth and I'm sure he would gladly trade legs with me any day. My arms may have cellulite on them, but they pick up a smiling baby from her crib every morning and hug her father often.
That little bit of a tummy and lack of 6 pack is the place where that baby grew for nearly 10 months before coming into this world and forever changing my life.
My skin is pale in places because I don't have time to lounge out in the sun anymore, I'm busy keeping a home and raising a human. And tanning beds? Well, skin cancer doesn't seem so fun anymore...
And those boobs have been able to feed a beautiful, healthy baby for the last year. They may not be impressive to a lot of people, but my baby thinks they are the greatest things ever!
So there it is, my rant for the day. My husband is reminding me that this is ironic since I made a comment on facebook today about "Whores" at Halloween and their lack of clothing. So I guess here I am, just in time for Halloween, with my complete lack of clothing.
Though I never criticize their body size, only their lack of clothing, I may need to re-think my views of certain girls at Halloween. If I don't want to be bullied for my clothing size, I best not bully anyone else for their taste in Halloween costumes. Does it really make a difference to me if someone wants to wear a headband as a skirt? Is there a difference between someone wearing a bra out to the bar and me posting a photo of myself in a bikini? More food for thought I guess.... One thing is for sure, my daughter will never, ever find a magazine in this house with a headline discussing a celebrity's weight. Nor will she ever hear me lament on my baby weight... that little tummy means that I have a little person in my life, blessed am I :)
Monday, September 10, 2012
Kairos....
Just after I had my little bean a friend on facebook posted a wonderful article published on the Canadian Huffington Post website. It was a beautiful article, written by a mother of three young children, in which the author encourages fellow mothers of young children to not "carpe diem" as they are often told to do by well meaning older mothers with grown children. Instead, she encourages fellow mothers to take pleasure in those few, quiet moments during the day where one can truly appreciate motherhood, moments called "kairos time." below is the link for the article and I strongly suggest reading it:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html
In the article she explains the difference between chronological time and kairos time. Chronological time is the time that we live by. It is in chronological time that I wake with baby around 3 am and then again at 7am and sleepily breastfeed her before getting out of bed. It is in chronological time that I know I need to get the bed made and the dishwasher unloaded first thing, or it doesn't get done at all that day. In chrono time I know that if the baby goes down for a morning nap any later than 10:30, I am assured a meltdown. It is in chrono time that I know if I don't get that shower in while she naps, I won't get one at all. Chrono time tells me what time Sesame Street comes on, what time hubby gets home for lunch, what time the library, costco, bank, etc... closes. Chrono time tells me when I need to put baby down for her afternoon nap and how many hours/minutes I have to get my errands done so that I don't end up in the checkout line at walmart with a screaming baby. Chrono time tells me when I need to start supper, put in laundry, clean the floors before bed, etc... (and yes, thanks to a baby that likes to chase the pets, pull out their fur and throw her food around, I get to sweep, swiffer and mop the floors each and every night). Chrono time tells me when my mat leave is done and when I need to return to work. It is in chrono time that I hear "oh she isn't sleeping through the night yet?" and "aren't you worried she isn't crawling?" Chrono time is also the one that tells me I am constantly late and behind in all that I do.... As you can imagine, I am not such a fan of Chrono time.
I used to experience kairos time, but not nearly as often as I do now. For me, motherhood has made me much more appreciative and grateful. Kairos time is often referred to as God's time, a time when something special happens, time freezes, and the moments stretch out....
For me, kairos time often happens when I breastfeed little bean before her naps and before bed. And yes, sometimes it even happens at 3am. As much as I try to fit on my "To Do" list during the day (clean the garage, make an amazing 3 course meal for supper, take little bean on a 3 hour nature hike...etc...ha ha ha), when I breastfeed I am forced to sit alone with my baby in a quiet, dark room for at least a good 15mins while I put her down to sleep. After feeding and cleaning and crying and teething and playing and diaper changing.... all at once we are still and I get to just look down at her. I get to stare at her and really study her face, her father's long beautiful eyelashes, her tiny mouth, she has my little nose. I look down at her tiny hand wrapped around my thumb. She lets out a contented little sigh as my milk lets down and time freezes..... This tiny little being, growing bigger by the day... I look down and my heart bubbles over. She is all of the good in me and none of the bad. Every kind thing I have ever said, every compassionate act, every positive thought. So tiny and so small and wanting nothing but to love and be loved. Pure, simple... just love.
I stay in that moment for a while. 5 mins? 10 mins? maybe even 20? I don't know and it doesn't matter. Sometimes I force myself to put her in her crib and return to my To Do list, to chrono time. But, more often than not, I stay there, in kairos time. Yes sometimes I stay as long as 20 minutes, just sitting there, staring at her. Once I even stayed in blessed kairos time for over 45 minutes (I don't even know how long I was there) it was wonderful. Kairos time is my favorite.On days when I stay in kairo too long (whatever "too" long is), chrono bullies me. Toilets don't get cleaned, supper becomes nachos and dip, laundry doesn't get folded. Chrono scolds me but I fight back. "Toilets will always need cleaning!" I snap, "baby will not always need rocking."
I used to feel guilty when the To Do list didn't get done, when chrono time kicked my butt. I used to let it bother me. But, now with little bean almost a year old and my mat leave soon to be over, I regret nothing. I revelled in it this last year. I had a ton of kairos time and I loved every single moment of it. I feel guilty for nothing. Every mother should be so lucky as to spend the amount of time in kairos as I did during this last year. That's the thing to remember when you become a parent, you may not love every single moment of the day (and most of those moments will overwhelm you) but those blessed kairos moments will make it all worth while. I know my kairos moments will be harder to come by. Chrono says that I will return to work, probably get pregnant and have a second baby, making my To Do list even longer and more demanding. Kairos moments may be harder to come by and may not last nearly as long but I will treasure them, just as much as I do now. Here's hoping you get some kairos of your own today.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html
In the article she explains the difference between chronological time and kairos time. Chronological time is the time that we live by. It is in chronological time that I wake with baby around 3 am and then again at 7am and sleepily breastfeed her before getting out of bed. It is in chronological time that I know I need to get the bed made and the dishwasher unloaded first thing, or it doesn't get done at all that day. In chrono time I know that if the baby goes down for a morning nap any later than 10:30, I am assured a meltdown. It is in chrono time that I know if I don't get that shower in while she naps, I won't get one at all. Chrono time tells me what time Sesame Street comes on, what time hubby gets home for lunch, what time the library, costco, bank, etc... closes. Chrono time tells me when I need to put baby down for her afternoon nap and how many hours/minutes I have to get my errands done so that I don't end up in the checkout line at walmart with a screaming baby. Chrono time tells me when I need to start supper, put in laundry, clean the floors before bed, etc... (and yes, thanks to a baby that likes to chase the pets, pull out their fur and throw her food around, I get to sweep, swiffer and mop the floors each and every night). Chrono time tells me when my mat leave is done and when I need to return to work. It is in chrono time that I hear "oh she isn't sleeping through the night yet?" and "aren't you worried she isn't crawling?" Chrono time is also the one that tells me I am constantly late and behind in all that I do.... As you can imagine, I am not such a fan of Chrono time.
I used to experience kairos time, but not nearly as often as I do now. For me, motherhood has made me much more appreciative and grateful. Kairos time is often referred to as God's time, a time when something special happens, time freezes, and the moments stretch out....
For me, kairos time often happens when I breastfeed little bean before her naps and before bed. And yes, sometimes it even happens at 3am. As much as I try to fit on my "To Do" list during the day (clean the garage, make an amazing 3 course meal for supper, take little bean on a 3 hour nature hike...etc...ha ha ha), when I breastfeed I am forced to sit alone with my baby in a quiet, dark room for at least a good 15mins while I put her down to sleep. After feeding and cleaning and crying and teething and playing and diaper changing.... all at once we are still and I get to just look down at her. I get to stare at her and really study her face, her father's long beautiful eyelashes, her tiny mouth, she has my little nose. I look down at her tiny hand wrapped around my thumb. She lets out a contented little sigh as my milk lets down and time freezes..... This tiny little being, growing bigger by the day... I look down and my heart bubbles over. She is all of the good in me and none of the bad. Every kind thing I have ever said, every compassionate act, every positive thought. So tiny and so small and wanting nothing but to love and be loved. Pure, simple... just love.
I stay in that moment for a while. 5 mins? 10 mins? maybe even 20? I don't know and it doesn't matter. Sometimes I force myself to put her in her crib and return to my To Do list, to chrono time. But, more often than not, I stay there, in kairos time. Yes sometimes I stay as long as 20 minutes, just sitting there, staring at her. Once I even stayed in blessed kairos time for over 45 minutes (I don't even know how long I was there) it was wonderful. Kairos time is my favorite.On days when I stay in kairo too long (whatever "too" long is), chrono bullies me. Toilets don't get cleaned, supper becomes nachos and dip, laundry doesn't get folded. Chrono scolds me but I fight back. "Toilets will always need cleaning!" I snap, "baby will not always need rocking."
I used to feel guilty when the To Do list didn't get done, when chrono time kicked my butt. I used to let it bother me. But, now with little bean almost a year old and my mat leave soon to be over, I regret nothing. I revelled in it this last year. I had a ton of kairos time and I loved every single moment of it. I feel guilty for nothing. Every mother should be so lucky as to spend the amount of time in kairos as I did during this last year. That's the thing to remember when you become a parent, you may not love every single moment of the day (and most of those moments will overwhelm you) but those blessed kairos moments will make it all worth while. I know my kairos moments will be harder to come by. Chrono says that I will return to work, probably get pregnant and have a second baby, making my To Do list even longer and more demanding. Kairos moments may be harder to come by and may not last nearly as long but I will treasure them, just as much as I do now. Here's hoping you get some kairos of your own today.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
The more you know...
Becoming a wife and then a mother was everything I thought it would be... and a little more. Well, to be honest, a LOT more lol! Just a fun, lighthearted little note about some of the things that I now know that I didn't before becoming a mom:
1. Your boobs may be attached to your body, but they are no longer your own. In fact, your husband and baby will have fights over who gets to spend the most time with them. The baby will always win, and the husband will complain of biased officiating.
2. You no longer sleep. You will foolishly think that you will be able to handle it no problem since you survived many a midterms or finals week with little or no sleep. You foolishly forgot that midterms and finals do come to an end.... parenthood does not.
3. You will do more laundry than you ever thought humanly possible. Seriously.... unheard of amounts of laundry.
4. You will buy all sizes of batteries in bulk at Costco often. And you will swear profusely each and every time you attempt to change the batteries in a toy or gadget. Seriously, babies can't work screwdrivers.... so why the hell do they have to make it so difficult to get into those things and change the batteries!!!
5. You will wake up and immediately go over your to do list for the day. It will include such things as: shower, blowdry hair, feed baby, put baby down for naps, eat breakfast, clean kitchen, buy groceries, see grandma, walk the dog, and make dinner. You will then pick 3 or 4 items from the list and spend the entire day trying to get them done. *note, it is not an option to not pick the feeding baby or putting baby down for naps.
6. Putting baby down for naps and at bedtime will take anywhere from 10 minutes to 2 hours. Plan accordingly.
7. You will attempt to talk about things other than your baby when you go out in public or have people over. You will fail miserably.
8. Everyone everywhere you go will tell you, in great detail, what they think you're doing wrong.
9. Old people love babies. Like, seriously. Any one over the age of 70 is crazy about a baby, as long as its not crying...
10. You can dress your daughter head to toe in pink ruffles... people will still ask you if she's a girl or boy.
11. You will, from time to time, be asked when the next one is due. You will have to contain yourself to keep from punching people occasionally.
12. You re-discover children's books, and it feels like coming home after a very long, long journey.
13. You no longer have to figure out what your priorities are.
14. You realize just how awesome sesame street really is, and sometimes find yourself watching it even after they have gone down for a nap.
and finally....
15. You look down at their tiny chest rise and fall as they are sleeping and realize you had absolutely no idea what love was until now.
1. Your boobs may be attached to your body, but they are no longer your own. In fact, your husband and baby will have fights over who gets to spend the most time with them. The baby will always win, and the husband will complain of biased officiating.
2. You no longer sleep. You will foolishly think that you will be able to handle it no problem since you survived many a midterms or finals week with little or no sleep. You foolishly forgot that midterms and finals do come to an end.... parenthood does not.
3. You will do more laundry than you ever thought humanly possible. Seriously.... unheard of amounts of laundry.
4. You will buy all sizes of batteries in bulk at Costco often. And you will swear profusely each and every time you attempt to change the batteries in a toy or gadget. Seriously, babies can't work screwdrivers.... so why the hell do they have to make it so difficult to get into those things and change the batteries!!!
5. You will wake up and immediately go over your to do list for the day. It will include such things as: shower, blowdry hair, feed baby, put baby down for naps, eat breakfast, clean kitchen, buy groceries, see grandma, walk the dog, and make dinner. You will then pick 3 or 4 items from the list and spend the entire day trying to get them done. *note, it is not an option to not pick the feeding baby or putting baby down for naps.
6. Putting baby down for naps and at bedtime will take anywhere from 10 minutes to 2 hours. Plan accordingly.
7. You will attempt to talk about things other than your baby when you go out in public or have people over. You will fail miserably.
8. Everyone everywhere you go will tell you, in great detail, what they think you're doing wrong.
9. Old people love babies. Like, seriously. Any one over the age of 70 is crazy about a baby, as long as its not crying...
10. You can dress your daughter head to toe in pink ruffles... people will still ask you if she's a girl or boy.
11. You will, from time to time, be asked when the next one is due. You will have to contain yourself to keep from punching people occasionally.
12. You re-discover children's books, and it feels like coming home after a very long, long journey.
13. You no longer have to figure out what your priorities are.
14. You realize just how awesome sesame street really is, and sometimes find yourself watching it even after they have gone down for a nap.
and finally....
15. You look down at their tiny chest rise and fall as they are sleeping and realize you had absolutely no idea what love was until now.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
10 Things...
10 Things I Want to Teach my Daughter Before she Turns 10....
I recently saw a couple of these, and enjoyed them very much, links below
http://blogs.babble.com/toddler-times/2012/07/18/10-things-i-want-my-daughter-to-know/?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=babbleeditors&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=post#i-will-always-be-there-for-you-no-matter-what
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lindsey-mead-russell/ten-things-ten-years-olds-should-know_b_1553134.html
I felt inspired to write one of my own. Below is my list of the top 10 things I hope my daughter learns by the time she turns 10....
1. You are absolutely beautiful. Exquisite. There has never been anyone before who looks exactly like you and there never will be again.
2. Ignore anyone or anything that tries to tell you differently. Be proud of your body and who you are in your own skin. Relish that you look the way you do and don't compare yourself to anyone else. If anyone ever tries making you feel badly about the curve of your leg or the crook of your nose, ditch them. Ditch them fast. Never waste your time with anyone who wants to make you feel badly about your god-given appearance.
3. Please please please don't hurry into wearing make-up and short skirts. You are about to enter junior high and it is a whole different world than the one you will be used to. Please don't ever try to compete with older girls. I know it is incredibly intoxicating to begin to get attention from boys but please, there is so much more to your life than that. Trust me, you will one day get more than enough attention, don't be in a hurry to start getting it as soon as you can.
4. I know you will start to become restless and want to grow up as fast as you can but try as hard as you can to live and enjoy the now. I know you will feel ugly and awkward and foolish from time to time, but growing up fast won't make you feel any more pretty, graceful or smart... trust me. Childhood is far to short, and you will soon find yourself 23 years old and wishing for the wistful days when you were just 11....
5. You are at a magical age right now, please appreciate it. You are old enough and smart enough to begin developing your own opinions and ideals without yet being jaded or tarnished by outside crap (boys, society, your parents, etc...). Hold on to these ideals as long as you possibly can, preferably forever.
6. Write down all of your ideas and aspirations. Always write. Pour your heart into a journal. Write down every thought, idea, opinion and ideal you have in your head. One day you will enjoy reading these.
7. You are old enough and smart enough to know what is right and wrong in most situations. Always trust your gut. If something doesn't feel right to you, or you think something is wrong, have the confidence to stick to your beliefs and act accordingly. Don't be afraid to stand up to anyone, even if they are an adult. If you really can't decide what to do in a certain situation, or if you need help dealing with something, please know that you can come to me. I may fail from time to time, but I promise I will try my absolute hardest not to pass judgments or jump to conclusions if you come to me with a problem. I will treasure that you feel you can open up to me.
8. Know that I understand you are human, just as I am. You will make mistakes from time to time, its part of growing up. I may sometimes be hurt, angry, or disappointed in your actions, but it will never change the way I feel about you.
9. Compassion and empathy are everything. As often as you can, try to widen your viewpoint and consider things from someone else's point of view. You don't need to be a doormat for people, but being open to other points of view is a skill that will take you far in this world.
10. I will always, without question, be there for you. I am proud to have you as my daughter and nothing will ever change that. The day I gave birth to you was, without question, the greatest day of my life. Please know that you can never screw anything up so badly that I would turn away from you. I love you without limitations or stipulations. As long as there is a breath in my body I will love you and be there for you, no matter what. So please, please never feel that you are unloved or un-loveable, because frankly my dear, you are already loved more than you can possibly imagine.
I recently saw a couple of these, and enjoyed them very much, links below
http://blogs.babble.com/toddler-times/2012/07/18/10-things-i-want-my-daughter-to-know/?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=babbleeditors&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=post#i-will-always-be-there-for-you-no-matter-what
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lindsey-mead-russell/ten-things-ten-years-olds-should-know_b_1553134.html
I felt inspired to write one of my own. Below is my list of the top 10 things I hope my daughter learns by the time she turns 10....
1. You are absolutely beautiful. Exquisite. There has never been anyone before who looks exactly like you and there never will be again.
2. Ignore anyone or anything that tries to tell you differently. Be proud of your body and who you are in your own skin. Relish that you look the way you do and don't compare yourself to anyone else. If anyone ever tries making you feel badly about the curve of your leg or the crook of your nose, ditch them. Ditch them fast. Never waste your time with anyone who wants to make you feel badly about your god-given appearance.
3. Please please please don't hurry into wearing make-up and short skirts. You are about to enter junior high and it is a whole different world than the one you will be used to. Please don't ever try to compete with older girls. I know it is incredibly intoxicating to begin to get attention from boys but please, there is so much more to your life than that. Trust me, you will one day get more than enough attention, don't be in a hurry to start getting it as soon as you can.
4. I know you will start to become restless and want to grow up as fast as you can but try as hard as you can to live and enjoy the now. I know you will feel ugly and awkward and foolish from time to time, but growing up fast won't make you feel any more pretty, graceful or smart... trust me. Childhood is far to short, and you will soon find yourself 23 years old and wishing for the wistful days when you were just 11....
5. You are at a magical age right now, please appreciate it. You are old enough and smart enough to begin developing your own opinions and ideals without yet being jaded or tarnished by outside crap (boys, society, your parents, etc...). Hold on to these ideals as long as you possibly can, preferably forever.
6. Write down all of your ideas and aspirations. Always write. Pour your heart into a journal. Write down every thought, idea, opinion and ideal you have in your head. One day you will enjoy reading these.
7. You are old enough and smart enough to know what is right and wrong in most situations. Always trust your gut. If something doesn't feel right to you, or you think something is wrong, have the confidence to stick to your beliefs and act accordingly. Don't be afraid to stand up to anyone, even if they are an adult. If you really can't decide what to do in a certain situation, or if you need help dealing with something, please know that you can come to me. I may fail from time to time, but I promise I will try my absolute hardest not to pass judgments or jump to conclusions if you come to me with a problem. I will treasure that you feel you can open up to me.
8. Know that I understand you are human, just as I am. You will make mistakes from time to time, its part of growing up. I may sometimes be hurt, angry, or disappointed in your actions, but it will never change the way I feel about you.
9. Compassion and empathy are everything. As often as you can, try to widen your viewpoint and consider things from someone else's point of view. You don't need to be a doormat for people, but being open to other points of view is a skill that will take you far in this world.
10. I will always, without question, be there for you. I am proud to have you as my daughter and nothing will ever change that. The day I gave birth to you was, without question, the greatest day of my life. Please know that you can never screw anything up so badly that I would turn away from you. I love you without limitations or stipulations. As long as there is a breath in my body I will love you and be there for you, no matter what. So please, please never feel that you are unloved or un-loveable, because frankly my dear, you are already loved more than you can possibly imagine.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Happiness is....
My mornings usually go something like this: little bean wakes up in the early morning hours and I bring her into our bed to feed her and coax her into a couple more hours of sleep. My husband is not such a fan of this, as by the time we wake up, little bean has turned sideways, snuggling her face into mine (though sometimes she pulls my hair!) and placing one or both feet directly onto my husband's throat and face. She kicks in her sleep, you get the idea... One time he even woke up to her grabbing his lower lip with both hands and very enthusiastically pulling down with all her might. But she sighs and snores in her sleep making the sweetest little sounds I have ever heard, so I feel all should be forgiven. Sometime in the night the dog and the cat both make their way onto the bed as well. We must feel generous in our sleep because both the husband and myself end up contorting ourselves into some weird "S" shape while we sleep in order to accommodate both of our fur babies at the bottom of the bed. Occasionally we will wake up and it will dawn on us, "Hey, this is OUR bed!" and make them go and use the two pet beds we have, only to wake up an hour later back at square one. And so it goes, we wake up, contorted into "S" shapes, being kicked in the throat and having our already thinning hair being pulled out. And I love it.... To me, happiness is waking up to a completely overcrowded bed each morning.
Many people think I am crazy. Some are probably horrified that I bring our baby into bed with us, especially with our pets. Everyone is allowed their opinion, and this happens to be mine. There is something wonderful about a family bed, something that doesn't happen during the business of the day, something that I can only really appreciate in the still, quiet hours of the day.
Sometimes I get so busy during the day that I forget to appreciate that all of these wonderful beings are HERE! They are here with me, everyday. How lucky am I, that I have all 4 of them. For a long time (well, really only about 7 years) I began to think that I wouldn't have this in my life. A series of failed relationships in my 20's had me convinced that the "family" life was something unattainable for me, and I best devote my time and energy to other things. I began to focus on school and career, thinking if I became successful enough I would be able to adopt one day and build the life that had eluded me. As it often happens, God had other plans for me while I was busy making my plans, and delivered to me everything I had ever dreamed of laying alone at night in a spacious bed, just me and my cat.
So in the early morning hours, when I wake up because a cat or dog has just perched himself on my feet, or a little baby has rolled over and nuzzled in looking for my breast, or my husband starts snoring.... I smile. I smile and say a little prayer of gratitude that I am this lucky. "You should get a King bed!" I often hear people say, "We should get a California King!" my husband will say... not a chance... :)
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Crazy New Mommies...
Something that has been on my mind since my daughter was born is the fact that my husband and I decided not to put her name or face on Facebook. Well, that hasn't really been on my mind so much as the reaction that we got. We have a few photos of her up, none where you can get a really good look at her face, but there are a couple that are side profile. There are enough on our pages that friends and family we don't see often can tell we've had a kid, which we thought was well enough. For some however, it's not. Reactions have ranged from "I think its nice that you don't have a ton of photos up!" to "Why can't I see her face!" to my favorite, rumors of a possible disability or facial deformity. What bothered me was that some people thought the only reason I wouldn't plaster photos of my daughter all over Facebook was because I was ashamed of her in some way. For the record, I love my baby, and if I was into putting pictures of her all over Facebook, no almond-shaped eye or cleft-palate would keep me from doing so. I think its wonderful to see photos of all kinds of blessed little creatures, we just decided to keep our one blessed little creature off Facebook for our own reasons. Because this has been on my mind from time to time (and has been questioned of me from time to time as well), I began to really notice other people's kids on Facebook a lot more. Some kids I started seeing A LOT more..... and so I began to wonder if there is a test one can do to establish whether or not one has become a "Crazy New Mommy." And by "Crazy New Mommy" I am referring to the obviously clinical diagnosis of pushing one's children on others using the social medium that is Facebook. Below is my best, most official shot at a questionnaire for just such an occasion. Answer yes or no to the following questions and then tally your score.
1. Do your status updates frequently include both size and color of bowel movements? Yes or No
2. Do you think that you are the only woman that has ever given birth? Yes or No
3. Do you believe that your baby is, without question, the smartest child that has ever existed? Yes or No
4. Do you often list your child's developmental milestones as your Facebook status, careful to point out that your child is weeks ahead of the timeline laid out for you by the health nurse? Yes or No
5. Do you feel the need to point out to other parents how obviously behind their child is developmentally in comparison to yours? Yes or No
6. Do you often feel the need to explain to other parents how to get their child to sleep through the night, as yours has been doing it since birth? Yes or No
7. Is your child the most beautiful creature that has ever existed? Yes or No
8. Is it your duty to take as many photos of said beautiful creature as humanly possible? Yes or No
9. If your child is less than 3 months old, do you have more than 200 photos of said child on your Facebook profile? Yes or No
10. If your child is between 3 months and 5 years, do you have more than 1000 photos of said child on your Facebook profile? Yes or No
11. Do the photo explanations on your Facebook albums include things such as "first time walking on pavement" and "finding a piece of lint on the carpet?" Yes or No
12. Do you often criticize the parenting style of anyone who has chosen a different parenting style than the one you have chosen? Yes or No
13. Do you often make these criticisms publicly over Facebook or some other form of social media? Yes or No
14. Do you have one child less than 12 months but often impart your vast knowledge of child-raising on anyone with 3 or more children of various ages? Yes or No
15. Are you currently disagreeing with this post and most of the items in this list? Yes or No
1. Do your status updates frequently include both size and color of bowel movements? Yes or No
2. Do you think that you are the only woman that has ever given birth? Yes or No
3. Do you believe that your baby is, without question, the smartest child that has ever existed? Yes or No
4. Do you often list your child's developmental milestones as your Facebook status, careful to point out that your child is weeks ahead of the timeline laid out for you by the health nurse? Yes or No
5. Do you feel the need to point out to other parents how obviously behind their child is developmentally in comparison to yours? Yes or No
6. Do you often feel the need to explain to other parents how to get their child to sleep through the night, as yours has been doing it since birth? Yes or No
7. Is your child the most beautiful creature that has ever existed? Yes or No
8. Is it your duty to take as many photos of said beautiful creature as humanly possible? Yes or No
9. If your child is less than 3 months old, do you have more than 200 photos of said child on your Facebook profile? Yes or No
10. If your child is between 3 months and 5 years, do you have more than 1000 photos of said child on your Facebook profile? Yes or No
11. Do the photo explanations on your Facebook albums include things such as "first time walking on pavement" and "finding a piece of lint on the carpet?" Yes or No
12. Do you often criticize the parenting style of anyone who has chosen a different parenting style than the one you have chosen? Yes or No
13. Do you often make these criticisms publicly over Facebook or some other form of social media? Yes or No
14. Do you have one child less than 12 months but often impart your vast knowledge of child-raising on anyone with 3 or more children of various ages? Yes or No
15. Are you currently disagreeing with this post and most of the items in this list? Yes or No
If you answered Yes to 6 or more questions, chances are you could be a crazy new mommy..... I myself squeaked in at 5.... Whew!
Monday, May 28, 2012
Shorty shorts to Mom Jeans... The Journey Continues
While out on date night a while ago I was taken aback by a pretty young girl wearing shorts that were short enough she could have caught herpes if she sat down in the wrong place. I made the mistake of saying to Hubby "I wonder if I would wear shorts like that if I had the legs," to which he replied... "don't kid yourself... of course you would!" While I realize he's probably right, if it wasn't for my collection of spider veins and cellulite I would probably still be dressing a little inappropriate, I hope that the "I'm someone's mother" inner voice would over-ride it. Anyone who knew me in my late teens and early twenties may remember, among other outfits, the gold, skin-tight tiger print dress I used to wear on formal nights on the ships or the day I wore a handkerchief as a shirt in grade 12 (yes, you read that correctly). I have to say though that the normal bit of weight gain that comes with getting older and having a baby has changed how I dress, but I am hoping so too has the realization that I am 30 and can in NO WAY get away with wearing what my 16-year-old self would wear. When I started really thinking about it, I guess that most of the changes to my wardrobe have been slowly creeping up on me:
- I buy clothes at Costco now, I'm not too sure when this happened, but I love them. 16-year-old me would be disgusted by this...
- I am one set of pleats away from mom jeans. The other day I bought a pair of jean capris at Costco and was delighted when I brought them home and found that they fit perfectly, just how I wanted them to. I was less delighted however, when I saw the tag that said "tummy control." What does that really mean anyway? Since when does my tummy need controlling? My temper maybe, but not my tummy....
- The first time I saw the commercial for Pajama Jeans I immediately thought "what a great idea!"
- I routinely argue with my husband that Jeggings are not Pajama jeans... He thinks I'm in denial, I think he needs a smack.
-If I can't breastfeed while wearing it, I don't wear it. It's too much work, especially when your boobs change size hourly. (seriously not an exaggeration)
- I used to have "bar" cleavage and "normal" cleavage.... Now I have "normal" cleavage and "church" cleavage. (it is funny, how after years of pushing and stuffing those puppies up, you find yourself trying to strap down some outta control nursing boobies...)
- I used to stuff my bra with everything from sweat socks to "chicken cutlets".... Now I stuff them with little pads of absorbent material. I basically walk around with maxi pads or panty liners in my bra at all times.... nursing is fun.
-I used to just have sweatpants. Now I separate them into regular, wear-around-the-house sweatpants and nice, wear-to-Costco sweatpants (otherwise known as Lululemons)
-I used to buy my underwear at stores that only sold undergarments, and they would nicely wrap the pretty, lacey things in tissue paper. Now I buy my underwear in the same store I can buy motor oil... and the plastic package of 5 white ones and 5 beige ones is a thing of beauty. If I'm feeling REALLY sassy then I'll get the package of black ones...
- When reminded and sometimes encouraged by my husband to wear some of the clothes I used to wear just 3 or 4 years ago, I find myself replying with "I can't wear that now! I'm someone's MOTHER!!!"
Monday, May 21, 2012
The "Baby Weight" Conversation
Tonight I come to you a particularly distressed mommy. It's not because my little bean seems to be crying more than usual (though she is) and it's not because I have an ungodly amount of laundry to do (though I do)... it's because of a particularly distressing article that I ended up seeing and unfortunately reading on the yahoo website. After a long day and a lot of baby crying, I decided to sit down at the computer with a bevy after finally getting little bean to sleep. A sort of "mommy recharge time" if you will. I happened upon an article and once I read it, I found myself stunned, angry, sad, and confused. For anyone interested, here is the article in question:
http://ca.omg.yahoo.com/blogs/celebrity-broods/bollywood-star-aishwarya-rai-blasted-not-losing-baby-165259898.html
Words cannot express my feelings right now. As someone who had always felt less than confident with my physical appearance, pregnancy and motherhood has been a sort of safe-haven for me, or at least... it was. Pregnancy and breastfeeding allowed me to have a perspective on my body that I had never had before. Not only was I able to grow a beloved little person inside of me, but I could also bring her into this world and then feed her. I never knew how amazing my body was before and I started to appreciate it like never before. That and I suddenly had an amazing rack. My perfectionist mindset also changed a lot. My inner dialogue was NICE for a change, actually, it was nice for the first time ever. The pressure was finally off. No matter how I looked in comparison to other girls it didn't matter because "I just had a baby!"
And now a garbage article on some website somewhere has me questioning my new-found confidence. So I questioned this, why, WHY is some stupid article getting to me? The more I thought about it the more it dawned on me, I hear this conversation every day. How many times have you heard your mother, your sister, your friend, your mother-in-law etc.... make a comment about another woman's post-baby appearance? Probably pretty often. The truth is, the conversation that is going on in the article is one that happens in our everyday lives too, not just in Hollywood. How many times have you heard someone make comments about their own or someone else's appearance after they have had a baby? We notice (and all too often make comments to others) when someone gains more (or less) than the "standard" 25 to 30lbs during pregnancy. We notice how quickly or slowly those extra pounds come off.... we most certainly notice if they stay indefinitely. We notice when bra size changes and when excess "baby tummy" goes away. If someone looses the weight quickly we tout them as some kind of super mommy and want to know their secret. If someone doesn't loose the weight quickly or at all there is a kind of "join the club" mentality. An attitude of "ha ha silly girl... did you think you were going to look cute forever? Give up! Your a mommy now!" And if you gain quite a lot of weight and are failing to loose it quickly, god help you. You must be a lazy person, content to sit on the couch watching your baby jump away in the jolly jumper.
What is it that makes us put so much importance on a woman's appearance? Now not only do you have to be a superwoman, with a clean house and a clean, happy baby (impossible). Not only do you need to squeeze into those lululemons and cart your baby off to mommy and me yoga 2 days after giving birth, you have to look good doing it. No no no... you can't do mommy and me yoga and loose the weight eventually, you have to SHOW UP starting the class looking good. You should pretty much be able to walk out of the hospital wearing your pre-baby jeans. If not, you must have failed as a woman.
I guess the point of this rant was just to get us all thinking. To at least question why we have these conversations and hopefully, to question if we want to continue them. I for one will be defending the next woman I hear being criticized for not "loosing the baby weight fast enough." Friend, family or celebrity it doesn't matter. When you stand up for one new mommy and halt the conversation, you stand up for us all. And if anyone needs back up, it's us sleep-deprived new mommies....
http://ca.omg.yahoo.com/blogs/celebrity-broods/bollywood-star-aishwarya-rai-blasted-not-losing-baby-165259898.html
Words cannot express my feelings right now. As someone who had always felt less than confident with my physical appearance, pregnancy and motherhood has been a sort of safe-haven for me, or at least... it was. Pregnancy and breastfeeding allowed me to have a perspective on my body that I had never had before. Not only was I able to grow a beloved little person inside of me, but I could also bring her into this world and then feed her. I never knew how amazing my body was before and I started to appreciate it like never before. That and I suddenly had an amazing rack. My perfectionist mindset also changed a lot. My inner dialogue was NICE for a change, actually, it was nice for the first time ever. The pressure was finally off. No matter how I looked in comparison to other girls it didn't matter because "I just had a baby!"
And now a garbage article on some website somewhere has me questioning my new-found confidence. So I questioned this, why, WHY is some stupid article getting to me? The more I thought about it the more it dawned on me, I hear this conversation every day. How many times have you heard your mother, your sister, your friend, your mother-in-law etc.... make a comment about another woman's post-baby appearance? Probably pretty often. The truth is, the conversation that is going on in the article is one that happens in our everyday lives too, not just in Hollywood. How many times have you heard someone make comments about their own or someone else's appearance after they have had a baby? We notice (and all too often make comments to others) when someone gains more (or less) than the "standard" 25 to 30lbs during pregnancy. We notice how quickly or slowly those extra pounds come off.... we most certainly notice if they stay indefinitely. We notice when bra size changes and when excess "baby tummy" goes away. If someone looses the weight quickly we tout them as some kind of super mommy and want to know their secret. If someone doesn't loose the weight quickly or at all there is a kind of "join the club" mentality. An attitude of "ha ha silly girl... did you think you were going to look cute forever? Give up! Your a mommy now!" And if you gain quite a lot of weight and are failing to loose it quickly, god help you. You must be a lazy person, content to sit on the couch watching your baby jump away in the jolly jumper.
What is it that makes us put so much importance on a woman's appearance? Now not only do you have to be a superwoman, with a clean house and a clean, happy baby (impossible). Not only do you need to squeeze into those lululemons and cart your baby off to mommy and me yoga 2 days after giving birth, you have to look good doing it. No no no... you can't do mommy and me yoga and loose the weight eventually, you have to SHOW UP starting the class looking good. You should pretty much be able to walk out of the hospital wearing your pre-baby jeans. If not, you must have failed as a woman.
I guess the point of this rant was just to get us all thinking. To at least question why we have these conversations and hopefully, to question if we want to continue them. I for one will be defending the next woman I hear being criticized for not "loosing the baby weight fast enough." Friend, family or celebrity it doesn't matter. When you stand up for one new mommy and halt the conversation, you stand up for us all. And if anyone needs back up, it's us sleep-deprived new mommies....
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Happy Mommies Day
So today is my first official Mother's Day (unless you count pets). Not only that but my little bean will be 7 months old on Monday. It is amazing how fast time has flown by. In honor of Mother's Day I thought I would reminisce about all the things that my mother used to do that drove me crazy growing up... all the things that I now find myself doing on a regular basis.... it's amazing what a change in perspective can do.
- Microwaving coffee. I used to find this habit utterly disgusting. I would think, "Just drink it or make a new one!" Now I am a mom and I completely understand.... rarely do I eat a hot meal or drink my coffee while it is hot anymore. I think little bean has a built in timer that tells her to fuss the instant I sit down to eat or drink something.
- Eating a lunch consisting of a few pickles, some cheese, and some crackers. Or just a piece of chocolate or a cookie. I would think to myself "Mom! Make yourself a proper meal!" I now understand, however, that you either have time to make something to eat or to eat something, but not both... such is the mommy's dilemma...
- Putting a pair of sunglasses on my head and calling it a hair do..... sometimes you don't get to shower, 'nuff said.
- What I called the "speed vacuum." This consisted of my mother walking around and picking up large pieces of lint and crumbs off the floor before someone came over. A way of making it look like you vacuumed without actually vacuuming. This used to drive me CRAZY! And now, guess what? I may just be a speed vacuuming champion....
- Peeing with the door open. This drove me absolutely nuts when I was a teenager. I would close the door, lock the door, I probably would have dead bolted it if I could have, so I really couldn't understand why someone would go pee with the door wide open, not just unlocked. Now that I am a mom I find myself doing this often, the "I really have to go pee but only if I can still hear what is going on in every single room of this house..."
- Worrying. I, like most teenagers, could simply not understand why my mother worried so much. Didn't she understand that I already knew everything about everything and there was nothing to worry about! However, something strange happens when you become a mother, and when your heart starts living, breathing, and walking around outside of your chest, you begin to worry a bit. Well, actually, you worry about everything! My current list of worries includes but is not limited to:
- Microwaving coffee. I used to find this habit utterly disgusting. I would think, "Just drink it or make a new one!" Now I am a mom and I completely understand.... rarely do I eat a hot meal or drink my coffee while it is hot anymore. I think little bean has a built in timer that tells her to fuss the instant I sit down to eat or drink something.
- Eating a lunch consisting of a few pickles, some cheese, and some crackers. Or just a piece of chocolate or a cookie. I would think to myself "Mom! Make yourself a proper meal!" I now understand, however, that you either have time to make something to eat or to eat something, but not both... such is the mommy's dilemma...
- Putting a pair of sunglasses on my head and calling it a hair do..... sometimes you don't get to shower, 'nuff said.
- What I called the "speed vacuum." This consisted of my mother walking around and picking up large pieces of lint and crumbs off the floor before someone came over. A way of making it look like you vacuumed without actually vacuuming. This used to drive me CRAZY! And now, guess what? I may just be a speed vacuuming champion....
- Peeing with the door open. This drove me absolutely nuts when I was a teenager. I would close the door, lock the door, I probably would have dead bolted it if I could have, so I really couldn't understand why someone would go pee with the door wide open, not just unlocked. Now that I am a mom I find myself doing this often, the "I really have to go pee but only if I can still hear what is going on in every single room of this house..."
- Worrying. I, like most teenagers, could simply not understand why my mother worried so much. Didn't she understand that I already knew everything about everything and there was nothing to worry about! However, something strange happens when you become a mother, and when your heart starts living, breathing, and walking around outside of your chest, you begin to worry a bit. Well, actually, you worry about everything! My current list of worries includes but is not limited to:
- falling when walking down stairs with her
- falling when carrying her at anytime
- anyone falling while carrying her
- getting into an accident while driving with her in the vehicle, and having it catch on fire while we are upside down in the ditch after rolling 6 times.
- dry drowning in the bathtub (thank Oprah for this one...)
- suffocation on a crochet blanket with holes all over it
- having the straps on her jolly jumper "let go" for absolutely no reason
- aliens. Yes you read that correctly, aliens. Last night when I got up to feed little bean in the wee hours of the morning I heard a strange sound outside. Though I'm sure it was probably a train (we live behind a train track) my mind immediately jumped to a possible apocalyptic alien attack, and I began to lament about how much I was going to suck at defending my family against aliens..... Perhaps I need to nap a little during the day when little bean goes down....
So, my suggestion is to make sure you hug your mom today. After all, you put her through a lot during those teen years. And if you are currently a teenager who knows everything, just wait.... soon all those things you tell yourself: "I'll never do that!"............ you will.... you will :)
So, my suggestion is to make sure you hug your mom today. After all, you put her through a lot during those teen years. And if you are currently a teenager who knows everything, just wait.... soon all those things you tell yourself: "I'll never do that!"............ you will.... you will :)
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Its hard out here for a Momma....
My husband says I over-think things and worry far too much. It is possible that he has a point. It has come to my attention in the last few months that I have given birth to a girl and will, inevitably, have to deal with a pre-teen and then teenage girl at some point.... This thought scares the ever-living piss out of me.... As much as I would prefer it if she would just stay a 7 month old forever (you know, content to just smile at me and can't lip me off or walk anywhere yet) I realize that this preference is futile, and compared to the alternative I would much rather have things the way they are. Nonetheless my little mind worries about the things to come, and below are the list of things I am most frightened of:
1. Barbies/Bratz dolls. I don't know when it happened, but barbie turned into a raging drag queen. No, nevermind, all the drag queens I've seen look good.... these dolls look scary. Like hot-pink eye-shadow up to the eyebrows scary....
2. Trips to the mall. Right now I am scared of the thought of someone taking her. Most likely this fear will change over time to the fear of the dreaded "but I WAAANNNNTTTT it" temper tantrum. Dear God, please give me the strength to take my daughter's hand and rip her out of the mall if I ever see her do the things I have seen other children do while their parents pull out their wallets, unphased by the whining and screaming...
3. Boys. Well, its not really boys that worry me, its their hormones. The ones that take over and cause a normal nice young man to stab his best friend in the arm in order to see a pair of boobs kind of hormones.
4. Actually I will backtrack on that. Its not just nice little boys with hormones that worry me. Older boys scare the crap out of me. Dear lord, please give her the vision to see that if she is in grade 9 and a guy in grade 12 wants to be her boyfriend, its because none of the girls in grade 12, 11 or 10 want to go near him. God help any man over the age of 18 that ever comes to my door to pick up my teenage daughter.... for he will soon be missing some important body parts...
But leading from that....
5. The gay marriage debate. May my daughter, by the time she is 45 and ready to lose her virginity on her wedding night, be able to lose that virginity to whomever she wants. Let her and my future grandchildren be in a world where there is just marriage and not "gay-marriage."
6. Drinking and Drug use. I know it will happen... but please dear Lord, lead her towards one or two sips of Boons and away from the Tequila body shots, and to experiment once or twice with the green stuff but not anything else. May that pretty little nose stay as clean as her mother's.
7. The Flames.... If you are anything other than an Oilers fan I don't know if your father could ever forgive you....
8. Cutting/ Safety Pins through the skin/ Whatever else kids are doing these days. Dear Lord if she is ever in so much pain that she feels the need to cut her flesh, please please please lead her to me so I can pour love all over her hurts. And if she starts putting weird things in weird places only because her friends think its cool that she put a safety pin through the back of her neck... please please please lead me to her so I can slap her silly.
9. Other Girls. Girls can be mean.... mean mean mean.... Please Please Please God, let her meet some nice friends. Ones that aren't too pretty or popular but who are exceptionally smart and well read. Ones that will stay up all night at sleep overs and braid her hair and keep all her secrets....
10. Driving in a vehicle, at anytime, anywhere, with anyone. I am starting to loathe whomever thought it would be a good idea to put us all in little metal boxes so we could zing around the country at 120 Km per hour, governed only by little lines painted on the ground and pretty changing lights. Whomever it was certainly wasn't someone's mother....
1. Barbies/Bratz dolls. I don't know when it happened, but barbie turned into a raging drag queen. No, nevermind, all the drag queens I've seen look good.... these dolls look scary. Like hot-pink eye-shadow up to the eyebrows scary....
2. Trips to the mall. Right now I am scared of the thought of someone taking her. Most likely this fear will change over time to the fear of the dreaded "but I WAAANNNNTTTT it" temper tantrum. Dear God, please give me the strength to take my daughter's hand and rip her out of the mall if I ever see her do the things I have seen other children do while their parents pull out their wallets, unphased by the whining and screaming...
3. Boys. Well, its not really boys that worry me, its their hormones. The ones that take over and cause a normal nice young man to stab his best friend in the arm in order to see a pair of boobs kind of hormones.
4. Actually I will backtrack on that. Its not just nice little boys with hormones that worry me. Older boys scare the crap out of me. Dear lord, please give her the vision to see that if she is in grade 9 and a guy in grade 12 wants to be her boyfriend, its because none of the girls in grade 12, 11 or 10 want to go near him. God help any man over the age of 18 that ever comes to my door to pick up my teenage daughter.... for he will soon be missing some important body parts...
But leading from that....
5. The gay marriage debate. May my daughter, by the time she is 45 and ready to lose her virginity on her wedding night, be able to lose that virginity to whomever she wants. Let her and my future grandchildren be in a world where there is just marriage and not "gay-marriage."
6. Drinking and Drug use. I know it will happen... but please dear Lord, lead her towards one or two sips of Boons and away from the Tequila body shots, and to experiment once or twice with the green stuff but not anything else. May that pretty little nose stay as clean as her mother's.
7. The Flames.... If you are anything other than an Oilers fan I don't know if your father could ever forgive you....
8. Cutting/ Safety Pins through the skin/ Whatever else kids are doing these days. Dear Lord if she is ever in so much pain that she feels the need to cut her flesh, please please please lead her to me so I can pour love all over her hurts. And if she starts putting weird things in weird places only because her friends think its cool that she put a safety pin through the back of her neck... please please please lead me to her so I can slap her silly.
9. Other Girls. Girls can be mean.... mean mean mean.... Please Please Please God, let her meet some nice friends. Ones that aren't too pretty or popular but who are exceptionally smart and well read. Ones that will stay up all night at sleep overs and braid her hair and keep all her secrets....
10. Driving in a vehicle, at anytime, anywhere, with anyone. I am starting to loathe whomever thought it would be a good idea to put us all in little metal boxes so we could zing around the country at 120 Km per hour, governed only by little lines painted on the ground and pretty changing lights. Whomever it was certainly wasn't someone's mother....
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Not So Extreme Couponing
Today is 15% off Tuesday, my favorite day of the month. To celebrate I thought I would write a blog. Like many others I have become obsessed with the TLC show Extreme Couponing, which follows several Americans during their weekly grocery shopping trips. Unfortunately for us Canadians, several of the deals available in US stores are not available in ours. Different rules and regulations around coupon use mean that we cannot duplicate the crazy "98%" savings that we see on the American show. I have however, been able to pick up a few tips and tricks from the show that can be used by anyone here at home:
-Plan your weekly shopping trips and meal plans around what's on sale. An easy peasy way to do this is to go and view the deals of your favorite store online, so you can organize your shopping list without having to leave the couch. (studies have shown that you tend to spend far less in the store if you go in with a list and stick to it!)
-As always, stock up on non-perishable items when on sale (but no need to go into the hording phase!) Sales go in rotation, so if something is on sale stock up for the next 3 or 4 months until it goes on sale again. Then you can avoid having to ever pay full price!
- Collect coupons for items that you know you will need. These can be collected from newspapers or from websites. I recommend save.ca, gocoupon.ca and brandsaver.ca. The coupon booklets that come in the newspaper are also good, my favorite is the P&G Brandsaver one because it always has diaper coupons!
- Check with store policy, but see if you can use coupons for items that the store already has on sale so you can maximize your savings. I do this all the time and used to also combine this tactic with 15% off Tuesday, but alas.... they changed the policy and no longer allow coupon use on this day. Nonetheless.....
-Always do your large monthly grocery haul on the first tuesday of every month, as nearly every store chooses to offer an extra %15 off your bill (provided you have a store card, which costs nothing and I highly recommend!)
-In Red Deer, students of RDC can get 10% off at Sobeys when presenting their ID card, check your city for similar deals if you are a student.
Other than that, always be sure to bring your own bags, as we have enough plastic in the landfills as is. I used as many of these tricks as I could and I got my last grocery bill down from $189 to $130. Every little bit helps!
Happy Shopping
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
How to interact with pregnant women....
Just a post to introduce myself to the world of blogging. I had been thinking of writing something like this for a while on facebook but feel as though this would be a much better forum. I had learned a lot while I was pregnant with my now 6-month old daughter, a lot about myself but more surprisingly, a lot about people in general. Below is a list of my top 20 things to never say to a pregnant woman. Please, take note:
1. Do not under any circumstances refer to a pregnant woman as anything other than "cute" or "glowing." The following words should never cross your lips when speaking with an expectant mom: Tubby, Whale, Huge, Orca, Hippo, Fatass or Rotund.
2. "Wow you must be ready to pop any day now!" Well no... I have 4 months to go... but thanks...
3. "You look small, are you sure you're getting enough nutrients to that baby?" Well I was trying to starve him but I guess I won't anymore.... Now I'm confused since about 20 minutes ago, someone just told me I looked ready to pop...
4. "Are you sure there is only one in there?" Sooooo not funny... and now I'm really confused since about 20 minutes ago someone told me I looked too small...
5. "Oh you look just like I did when I was pregnant!" If you are a normal healthy person, go ahead and say this as much as you want. If you are more than 75 lbs overweight, avoid this one....
6. "You're not getting a C-section? Why would you want to push that baby out?" I dunno.... I hear its fun...
7. "You're getting a C-section again? You're just scared of giving birth." Well that and the medical doctor said it was safest for my baby.... but you're right, I must be less of a woman for putting my child's safety ahead of my vaginal pride...
8. "You need to have a home birth, its the only safe alternative" or "You need to give birth at the hospital, its the only safe alternative" How about I just wing it and see what happens?
9. "So, what's your birth plan?" Uh.... I plan on having a baby?
10. "You realize that you HAVE to breastfeed, or the baby will never bond with you" Settle down lactivists... settle down. Pretty sure the kid will find some way to relate to me regardless....
11. "Well I couldn't breastfeed. First my nipples started bleeding and then... " STOP! Please, for the love of god and all that is holey... stop.
12. "When is your due date?" Please don't remind me how long I have left.....
13. "You're taking your mat leave already? You're going to be so bored! Why would you do that?" I dunno... maybe because I am exhausted and crying all the time, or my lady parts are doing things they shouldn't and Doctor says its time.... you pick
14. "Well when I had my babies I worked right up until I gave birth. Back then we didn't have the luxury of taking so much time off..." Again... thank you for making me feel like less of a woman.
15. "Your working that long!? When I had my babies I stopped working as soon as I hit 6 months, I wasn't risking anything!" Well then can you go talk to that crazy bitch over there? Because 20 minutes ago she told me I had to work right up until I start pushing...
16. "Your going to eat that?" This is all I can keep down at the moment... back away or you may lose some flesh in a minute...
17. "Well when I gave birth I didn't need any drugs..." Well la-de-frickin-da...
18. "When I gave birth it was so horrible, first the doctor cut..." STOP! REALLY!... Stop right there.... I don't want to hear any of your horror stories... LA LA LA LA LA LA....
19. "So what are you going to name the baby" only to be shortly followed by "UGGG! You're naming your baby that!?!"
and finally...
20. "Can I touch your belly!?" If I know who you are, no problem... If you are a random old man I have never met before.... yuck.....
Did I miss any?
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